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Everyone knows, to some extent,
what it feels like to be hungry and empty of food. The emptier you
feel, the more you start to think about food and the less you can
think of anything else.
I had an eating disorder for 6
years, so I spent a lot of time thinking about food. It was a very
useful way of not having to think about life and relationships and
growing up and the future. I was just numb to feelings about that
"stuff" - food was easier to think about. I was good at
something - after all, no one could diet as well as me. Also, if I
felt guilty, going without food felt like punishment - paying the
price.
I said I was a Christian, but my real "god"
was the eating disorder - I lived for it and followed its "rules"
about what I could and couldn't eat.
Because I had made
myself physically ill, I agreed to get "help" and faced
up to the fact that I was "a person with a problem".
Only I didn't see it as a problem - more like a way out of my
problems. I didn't want to lose it and resented anyone who tried
to take it away from me, even though they were trying to help and
do what was best for me.
I was eventually admitted to a
psychiatric hospital and put on a section because I tried to run
away. While I was in hospital I was very afraid and felt out of
control - being told what to eat, and having to talk about
feelings on things except food in the therapy group. I became
physically better, and though my stomach was no longer empty, I
still wanted my head to be empty of any "difficult"
thoughts.
Throughout this time I carried on praying and
reading my Bible, but God was still only a small part of my life.
When I was attending hospital as a day-patient, something was said
in one of the therapy groups, which I considered to be against
Christian teaching. I asked my mum to help me find a Christian
counsellor instead. I'm not sure how much of me wanted to get away
from hospital because of God and how much was because I wanted to
keep my other "god", but some little bit of me clung
blindly to the Lord and we found a Christian counsellor.
Meanwhile, I became physically ill again.
I started to
face up to why I felt I needed the eating disorder and how I was
worried what would be left if I recovered from it. I didn't want
to lose it because it would take away the meaning in my life and
I'd have to face my problems without a safety net or an escape
route.
One day, in church, physically and emotionally
empty, I suddenly felt full of something new - I saw a statue of
Jesus with his wounds exposed and it hit me: "For God so
loved the world that he gave his one and only Son..." (John
3:16). JESUS DIED FOR ME because GOD LOVES ME AND
WANTS ME TO BE CLOSE TO HIM, just because I'M ME!
Jesus took the rap for all the things all of us have done by dying
on the cross, taking the punishment we should have had - being
separated from God. God so wanted us to be close to him, he let
Jesus take the punishment instead of us.
That feeling
of love, PURE LOVE, filled me up.
That was six
months ago. Slowly, after that, I started to accept other people's
love for me - I started to really love and trust other people. I
started to feel safe and secure and part of God's plans.
A few months down the line and I decided to be free from
eating disorder's rules and live for God instead. The Bible says "and
the truth shall set you free". The truth that I was special
to God and loved by Him, no matter what, has set me free from the
dependence I had on the other "god".
It's
sometimes difficult now I'm physically recovering, because old
habits sometimes hang on, but at the end of the day God's in
charge and I know the truth that the eating disorder is pointless.
I no longer want to be empty - physically or mentally - I want to
be full of God's love - to take in and give out.
The
TRUTH is that UNCONDITIONAL LOVE is GOD'S GIFT to EACH
OF US. He won't force it on us, but it's there for us to take
and he wants to give it.
Thank you to Ramsgate House
and Altrincham Priory Hospital for their help and care. Special
thanks to my long-suffering mum, my dad, Janine and Ruth, Helena,
Nikki, Rosemary, Dr. Turnbull, ABC, Linda and John and all who
prayed for me and helped me out "God's Way".
BIGGEST
thanks to God for loving me and Jesus for dying for me.
Ruth
Clark
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