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EDGES MAGAZINE Issue 17 |
April/May 1999 |
MEN
CAN ALSO GET BULLIED.
Richard works as a Counsellor with men in the North West.
For the last ten years I have been
counselling, in very poor areas, fathers who I have been very
concerned about, who feel cut off from life. These men have been
depressed and feel they have been cut off from their own families,
from their children and from the wider community.
Some of the men, when I first was in touch, would say their
lives were hell because they just didn't know how to cope with
relationships, with their own children, and other people in the
community. For them every day was the same. So over four years ago I
started a group for dads in this very deprived area. I was amazed at
the response from the dads who came and wanted to come; and the main
item on the agenda that they were concerned about was that they
dreaded the summer holidays coming because the summer holidays was a
long period where they did not know what to do with their children,
they just said it was hell. So what I did to help them, was to visit
local parks close to where they lived which they never knew existed.
I was amazed they didn't know these parks existed. So what we did
was show them the parks, and then during the summer holidays we
arranged picnics with them and their children to visit the parks and
they were amazed at how much they enjoyed themselves. It was a
simple exercise, they just made sandwiches and the kids could get
wet in safety to run and play, no traffic, so they could relax. One
dad, a week before, had taken four kids to the seaside and had spent
over £100 and came back miserable and just unhappy. But these
are simple things, we have lost the art of simple pleasures. Mainly
I think this is because some of the men never knew from their own
fathers how to be dad to their own children. Their father may have
been an alcoholic, or had long illnesses, or were absent from home
so they never had a role-model to know what was expected of them in
looking after their children. With guidance and help the fathers can
then get to know their children, build a relationship and have a
really positive time with the children.
There have been
instances were men have been abused by their wives and also men who
when they were children were abused by adults in the families where
they came from. I felt in dealing with this, that the men
desperately needed somebody they could talk to in confidence.
Sometimes they were embarrassed to talk about it, very embarrassed
to talk about it, but it was very important that they felt they had
somebody they could share with, they could trust, and from that,
slowly, you could build up a relationship with them..
Issues
of domestic violence arise because people are just stuck at home,
nothing to do, nothing to aim for, sheer frustration of not having
any outlets to develop their interests. One of the most encouraging
things about the fathers' group is helping the men to develop their
own interests. I have been amazed by some, who loved music, never
had the chance to play a musical instrument and have an outlet like
that; one dad is teaching another one how to play the guitar and
another plays the keyboard.
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