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EDGES MAGAZINE Issue 18 |
Ju1-Aug 1999 |
NO LONGER A JUNKIE We caught up with Amanda recently. She moved from the North West and is now living in a hostel in central London.  I've
been in London for 9 months now. Since then I've been trying to
clean up from my drug addiction. I've found it very difficult going
back to my home area. I found it difficult there, I found nothing
really to motivate me. I got very stuck in a rut and every few
months I was using and feeling so frustrated with this. I felt that
I just needed some direction for my life and maybe a fresh start.
After going back to using drugs again in August, last year was
absolutely desperate. I felt I was just going round in circles, and
in the summer of that year, I happened to meet a girl, a former
addict from London who was a few years clean. After keeping in touch
with her and telling her the hopelessness of my situation, she
suggested I come down and stay with her. Since coming down to London it hasn't been easy for me. I stayed with the girl and some of her friends on a settee for 3 months, trying to get into various hostels and clean houses which isn't easy at all. This is because of the homeless and drug situation in London and the shortage of accommodation. However, I felt it was the right thing to do, so I stayed clean and I felt motivated again. I carried on trying, pushing and using all the services down here and eventually, after 6 months I got myself into a really good clean house in the city. The project I'm in now is a really good set up, it's specifically for people who have seen drug addiction. I want to get some direction and a new way of life. Linked up with the project is a 8 bedroomed hostel where residents have to be abstinent. You have guidance on how to go round getting jobs. When you have a criminal record and haven't got a CV, a resettlement officer refers you to a housing association. So after being in this hostel a few months and getting a chance to build your life back up, we are being housed at the end of it, which is amazing down here. I feel that my life has totally changed. I feel motivated, I really want to stay clean and get back to a normal way of life. I've had some great times down here. I've also met my boyfriend at a Narcotic Anonymous meeting that I attend. I've never really had a proper relationship before because of my using. It is good to know there's always someone there for me. In the relationships I've had in the past, I haven't really been able to feel for the people because I've been using. They've mainly been dependant on each other for getting drugs, using drugs, there's been lying and cheating involved. That's when I was using drugs. I could never really care for another person and to be fair with them because everything was all for myself and my drugs. This is totally different. I've never communicated with people before and talked through problems. I've always run away from everything, including when things have gone bad with boyfriends. I know it's horrible but I've always used them in the past for what I can get out of them and moved on. I've never wanted to commit myself because I've always been running away and chasing the next drug, but now I really feel that it's someone that I can have a settled life with, we communicate, we talk through problems. When I came down to London I know that if I did go back to using drugs and if I did get involved with the wrong people, it could be a very bad move for me because the drug and homeless situation down here and the way people live on the streets is far worse than at home. If I stayed at home I would get into a lot of trouble. I now attend Narcotic Anonymous meetings. When I came to London it gave me something to do. I was just getting my mind together. It gave me that bit of hope to hang on to. Some people have gone through these struggles and come out with good lives at the end of it. Another thing is, I have surrounded myself with good people. People who wanted to stay clean and give me good spiritual guidance along the way. The project I'm in now, the idea is the average stay there is 9-12 months, where in that time you will have built up some kind of life. They help you with college courses, any kind of voluntary work that you want to do, like budgeting and skills that you need like cooking, taking care of yourself. When you are addicted to drugs you do not know how to do these things. After about 9 months, they re-house you. Then for the next 6 months they do give you support up to as much and at what level you want. Usually, it's a once a month visit, just to see if you are managing with your bills, and they help you out with furniture. Really, they just give you as much support as you need once you get into your house, which is obviously the next stage in your recovery to maintain that and build up your life. I did go into treatment in 1997, but really it was for the wrong motives. Firstly, to escape a prison sentence and because I had been using for so long and my life was so crazy. I didn't really understand, or believe, or listen to what they where telling me. I didn't realise how much I needed to change my lifestyle, I still thought that I could hang around with the same people. My attitudes to life had to change. I was too vulnerable to go back to my home town, where there are a lot of memories of using and a lot of connections with people I really needed to avoid. The hopelessness and the lack of motivation that I felt in that area and with everything that I knew, I found so hard to change. That's how it was for me, each time that I got into that space where I just felt hopeless and didn't really listen to what the treatment was telling me, I'd use and then I'd be in that place again. I didn't want to use and I'd feel so desperate and hopeless and that I'd failed again and that it was just a circle like that for the last two years. When I was using, there were so many low moments, but because I just used the drugs they'd take them away. I'd try not to feel a lot but the worst moments were being in the prison, withdrawing, thinking "how's this happened?" The lowest moments for me were realizing I had nowhere to live, I had no friends, I hadn't been in touch with my family, I destroyed everything in my life. Also when I relapsed. I did have time when I was clean and I really felt an achievement, and I really felt good from that, and thought that I wouldn't use again. But I found the powerlessness and the addiction dragging me back. Since coming to London I'm six months clean again and it just feels totally different. I mean, here's a good city . You've got a lot of good services for addicts, a lot of support. My life's just totally different. I feel that motivation, that I'm enjoying being clean and it means that I'm happy so far, believing that the possibilities that were told to me when I was clean actually can come true. I mean I'm on my way to being re-housed. For me coming down to London has been so good in a lot of ways. The City's full of life and opportunities |
I'M
SEARCHING FOR STABILITY.  My
name is Lubush and I am 24. I'm from Budapest. I came to London last
August as a tourist. It's almost a year and I'm still here. I don't
know why, but I am still here. I left home when I was 15 and slept
rough for several months. I got hooked on drugs when I was 16 and
did some terrible things to feed my habit. I lived in Amsterdam for
a couple of years. Then I went back home. I managed to get my life
together again. I met a girl called Maria and we lived together for
1 year. I got a job in a wine bar. Things looked really good. Then
Maria met some one else and I was alone. At first it wasn't to bad.
I was able to save quite a bit of money because I didn't got out a
lot. I then decided I would come to London. I managed to get a visa.
I came as a tourist. I really came because I wanted to get a job
here. At first I stayed in a tourist hostel and had a good time
spending my money as I looked at the sights. Soon my money started
to run out and I found I was beginning to panic. My old habits of
drug taking came back. I never got a job. I try and earn some money
each day begging. I am searching for stability but I can't find it.
London is a fun place to be. Although at times it can be lonely. My
parents think I'm working over here. Little do they know. |
 MATTHEW'S
PROGRESS. Matthew has contributed to Edges Magazine in the past. In fact he stayed in a hostel in Blackburn near the offices of our organisation. He then moved down to London. Edges Magazine caught up with him recently. He has found accomodation and is trying to get his life together. We wish him well. |
