EDGES MAGAZINE Issue 19

October 1999

OUR MAGAZINE ON THE STREETS OF LONDON
BELIEVE ME IT'S HARD
Paul arrived in London 2 days ago

PaulI came to London two days ago from Brighton. What attracts me about London is that there’s more homelessness here, and they seem like part of our own family. I have been homeless for four years now. It all started when my relationship with my girlfriend ended, and I couldn’t see my kid anymore. I left everything with them and I walked out, and got myself into a really serious drink problem. I don’t drink anymore, and now I’m just looking to settle down but nobody will give us a chance. For the last four years I’ve been on the streets in Leeds, Bristol, Bath, Wiltshire, Swindon and Oxfordshire, I’ve been practically everywhere on the streets.

I’ve discovered that the problem has increased so much. Before I was on the streets I just watched it on TV, but now I’m on the streets I can say that it really is as bad as you see on the TV and in the papers, and there isn’t anybody out there that cares. It’s definitely getting worse. To be honest with you I don’t have anything to do with the government. The government’s done nothing for me whatsoever. I’d like to tell Tony Blair that all these derelict buildings standing here, he could put Lottery money into rebuilding and rehabilitating people’s lives, so that we can live normally just like everybody else and go out and get a job, and earn money, and put in to society. Instead of sitting in the cold begging for your next cup of tea, be putting in to society instead of just taking out.

Since arriving in London, we’ve looked for accommodation, shelters, we’ve had no luck. They’re totally full, all booked up, the only shelters you can get into are hostels if you pay twenty pounds a night, which obviously we can’t afford, we haven’t got the money to do that. The rest of the time we have been looking in bins for food because we can’t find anywhere to get any food from. As I said earlier, I’ve been to a funeral last week. I’ve been to a few churches in London and spoke to a few priests to say some prayers. The priests have been helpful talk- wise, but other than that, nothing apart from talking.

I’m thirty-four now, I was born in Bath, I have no family whatsoever. I was put into a children's home at two years old. I didn’t really understand what it was like in the children’s home until I reached the age of eleven or twelve, it is not nice, it’s a very strict regime, and it feels like you’re being punished for something you haven’t done. What I didn’t like about the children’s home was the strictness of the rules, the regime that they set down. Obviously there are rules and regulations, but I felt there were rules which I was being punished for, because I didn’t ask to go into a children’s home, I didn’t ask to come from a violent background, and I didn’t like authority.

I rebelled a lot, I got myself into trouble, I went into detention centres, borstals, prisons, so basically since I’ve left the children's home all I’ve known is institutionalisation. This made me feel hatred, unwanted, rejected, I didn’t like society one bit. I rebelled against society, I didn’t like anybody in society, I had a very serious drug and drink problem, to try and escape and hide away from the hurt. The feelings, the memories, escapism, that’s basically why I took drugs, to escape. The drugs made me feel relaxed, and a little more confident. I didn’t worry about anything, took everything day by day until it got to the point where I was just worrying about where my next amount of drugs was coming from, and then I found myself in very serious trouble. I would pinch. I don’t now obviously because I’m off it. I pinched, I begged, I busked, I would do anything to get that last bit of drugs. I couldn’t wake up in the morning and face reality, it hurt too much.

I fell in love, it was a good relationship, it went well, I felt wanted, I wasn’t rejected, I had nice clothes, I had money, I had a car, I had everything that everybody else would have. Then the relationship ended through mother in law problems, as far as she was concerned I was never good enough for her. It went on too long for me, started to do my head in, I hit drugs again, and I think it was best that I ended it there, which I had to do. It was doing my head in to the extent that I would lie just to get out, just to get away from her and her mum.

I have three children, my youngest daughter is three years old, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t pray for them, that I don’t miss them. I punish myself for that, I don’t know, I just punish myself. They’re always in my heart, and if I could get things back together again, I’d be the first one in the queue to do it, because I’ve had enough of this, four years on the streets, I’ve had enough of it. The most frightening thing I’ve seen on the street is my mate, he was begging, same as I was, and someone came and put a knife across his face and his throat, and he died. I was actually covered in his blood. That was the most frightening thing I’ve ever ever experienced. I still think about it.

Being homeless has taught me that if you’ve got something in the first place, don’t ever let it go, don’t be tempted, don’t let anything take it away, because one drink leads to another drink, you become an alcoholic, one drug leads to another drug, you become a drug addict. I know because I have been both of those, and I have lost everything. Everything I could possibly own, all I own is what I’m wearing and my sleeping bag, that’s all I’ve got and I’m thirty - four years old. At the moment, the future holds nothing. I can’t predict the future, I can only hope that somebody will give me a chance, and have a room and a job, and the chance of settling down, and living life like normal people live day by day.

I have had many jobs, my main skill is being a mechanic, I can maintain a car no problem. If I had a chance I’d go straight into buying and selling cars, if I was given that opportunity to start work. I need a starter, I need that backup to get me onto my feet, and then I’d get a job, and I think I’d be quite happy then. Until then it’s not a case of just sitting on the streets, being lazy, expecting people to give you money here and there, because I don’t sit there for the fun of it, I don’t sit there because I enjoy it. I despise sitting there, feeling low, no self respect, you lose everything. you don’t even feel you’ve got a heart anymore. I do believe in God, because many times, my friend who has just passed away, used to pray for me, and I used to pray for him, and funny as it may seem, miracles or not miracles, God has definitely helped me in a lot of ways. I do pray every night for my best friend, who I’m with every day, every minute of the day, protecting him, looking after him like he does me, so God has been a great help.





THE STREET'S ARE HARSH.
Jay is 26. We caught up with him recently. He has come to London homeless.

JayI’m twenty six, I’ve been in London two days, I came here with my friend Paul from Brighton, after a funeral. That’s how I’ve ended up on the streets in London. Mainly, it’s like, there’s loads of homeless people on the streets, bit of a stupid move really, but we were just hoping to find some kind of accommodation, or work, or something down here. Like everybody else, people seem to head for London because they think the streets are paved with gold, but it’s not like that. London hasn’t changed since the last time I was here, which was about eight to ten months ago. It’s still exactly the same, there’s still everybody roaming around homeless, there’s still people dealing drugs on the street, it just hasn’t changed at all. It’s not getting any better, it’s getting worse.

I’ve been homeless over four years, I came to be homeless from living with my parents, my background. It just wasn’t a good environment, I wouldn’t like to go into details, but it just wasn’t a good environment. I moved in with friends, so I was relying on them, then they had a kid coming along so I moved out. I was in a long term relationship, then that collapsed. That’s how I became virtually bang on the streets.

I spent some time in prison in Dorset, in Sussex, but only for minor offences, only short periods of time. Non payment of fines, and things like that, which I prefer to do the prison sentence because I get the food, I know there’ll be a roof over my head, rather than pay the fine because I haven’t got the money in the first place. The future at the moment, it’s day by day, it’s the way I see things, it really is. I don’t know what’s happening, I don’t know what I’m doing tomorrow, it’s just a matter of where the next meal’s coming from. Hopefully, some accommodation’s going to turn up, it’s a cloud on my future.

What I’ve discovered on the streets is that it’s a harsh world, there are sour people out there, but most people are there fending for themselves, which is fair enough. I’ve been homeless in more or less every town and city across the country, I’ve traveled everywhere, y’know, Sussex, Oxford, same as with my friend. I’ve traveled virtually the whole length of the country just trying to find accommodation. The odd places we were lucky, we might find a hostel or night shelter where we could stay for a week, but after that week runs out you can’t stay there any longer. That’s where I’ve traveled and how I’ve traveled.

I’ve got no objections with the police as such, but they can harass you, it’s like you could be sitting down resting and they come and harass you for begging, when you’re not begging, you’re just sitting there. Except for one crime in Taunton, me and my friend got arrested for a crime we didn’t commit, we were just in the area. We were arrested and held for I think it was fourteen hours, and then we were let go without a charge, and that was just because we were on the streets, and that did annoy me. They were just doing their job, that’s how it goes.

At times people can be cruel, like you’re sitting down and you ask if they can just spare a little bit of change, and they might spit at you or whatever. Sometimes they catch you when you're in a mood yourself, and you might bark back, then something kicks off, you know, and it’s always your fault. I’ve been attacked, you know, hit, kicked when I was asleep, lying in a doorway or something and somebody will come up to me, call me a scum bag and kick me. It’s like I’ve not done anything wrong, I’ve got no choice, I’m sleeping there, I can’t find anywhere else to sleep so I’ve just slept there, and someone’ll just come up and literally attack me because they’re drunk, or spit at me. Well, if someone honestly expects me to sit there while they spit at me, well I’m afraid I can’t do that. I try not to retaliate, but if people catch you when you’re in the wrong mood, say you’ve not eaten for days and all you’ve had all the time is just grief, then you will retaliate in some ways, you’ll get pretty annoyed.

Anybody who’s thinking of leaving home, hitting the streets, it’s nothing like what it seems it’s going to be like out there, it is a hard world. Fending day for day, like, literally I was just trying to get my eyes closed just half an hour ago, and I had to sleep with one eye open. I thought someone was going to spit at me, or kick me. I would say just stay at home, it’s the only thing I have to say. From what I’ve seen, from last time I’ve been in London and this time, it’s rife, you know. There used to be clubbers, their bits and pieces, and other homeless people with hardcore drugs and it just seems to have got a lot more rife, a lot more blatant, a lot worse. It just doesn’t seem to be getting any better for the future. People are taking drugs just to escape the way they’re feeling, to escape the lifestyle, to escape the cold sometimes, just to escape themselves, from where they’ve come from, or whatever.

Kids have got to learn that when they have an argument with their parents, it’s not because they don’t want them to go out and do something, or they don’t want them to go out and enjoy themselves, it’s because they’re trying to protect them, and protect what they’ve got. After all, they are their children, and if they ended up like us, on the streets, they would be in for some very nasty experiences. Stay at home, listen to your parents, it’s not fun out here, it’s a dangerous world, and believe in God, it does help




KATE RUNS FROM HER FAMILY

I came to London to get away from my family. I just could no longer put up with them. I liked staying out at night with my friends but my dad was really strict I had to be in for 11 every night. My mum wasn't too bad, I think she understood me better. My two brothers couldn't do anything wrong in my dad's eyes. Even though they are younger than me I feel sorry for them when they grow up.

I don't really want to talk about my Dad cos things happened and it hurts me when I think about it. But I just couldn't stay at home any longer. I met this guy in the centre of Slough and I got to know him quite well. He was a busker. I became friends with him and I used to go back to the squats. That’s when things really started to get bad. Some nights I would stay out all night. I was in my final year at school and I didn't see the need to go. My Dad started to get mad at me. I just had enough so I decided to leave home. I stopped in Slough for a few days and then I went on to Reading with a few of my mates. That was about 4 years ago. I've been home twice to see my mum and I phone her every so often. I've been in London for about four years. Pete is my boy friend we live in a squat and things are not going too bad for us. I've been in prison twice for stealing but I'm trying to stay out of trouble. Sometimes it's hard.

I do take drugs. I can't come off them I've tried and tried. Gear helps me forget. My body needs it. Sometimes I get frightened I think if I get pregnant what will happen to my baby? My friend Sonia has just had a baby and it's addicted. That makes me feel bad cos that could be my baby. I beg each day In Leicester Square. Sometimes I earn quite a bit but it all goes on drugs. I'm not really happy but maybe tomorrow I will find happiness. I think about my two brothers a lot. One has just past all his GCSE'S. He's got a bright future. Look at me a junkie in need of a fix, Where did I go wrong?


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. Material Copyright © 1999 THOMAS (Those on the Margins of a Society)
THOMAS is an integral part of Catholic Welfare Societies, Registered Charity number 503102