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Justin is in our Reconcile Project Around the time of my options, at school, I started to use solvents. I was disillusioned because I felt that I wasnt alloallowed, by my parents,to do the subjects that I wanted. I was being pushed into shapes that did not fit, and needed to escape . My disillusionment continued long after my decision to stop using solvents,and stayed with me throughout the rest of my school life. I lost interest in doing well,and by the time my exams came up I just couldnt be bothered to even try. Then,aged about 16,I got into smoking pot and taking acid. I was drinking a lot,especially at weekends.I had moved out of home because I wasnt getting on with my mum.I had lost my job and I couldnt handle her going on to me about it.I always thought then that she worried too much,but now I know she just cared,and wanted for me what was best. Things werent too good really there were 4 of us sharing 2 bedsits. Two of us were out of work,and being in all the time was getting us down.We both drank heavily and briefly got into sniffing petrol. We both just wanted to escape our circumstances.Life seemed desperate, and I was desperately unhappy. I had had enough. Then I enrolled on a couple of college courses, got a job in a bar and moved back in with my mum. I think I had just turned 18 at this point.I was still drinking to excess but only at weekends,and I would still take acid and magic mushrooms now and again.I was smoking pot throughout. I lost my job at the bar but I wasnt bothered. I stopped drinking and started volunteering at the local Leonard Cheshire Home for physically disabled adults. I was still at college , but when I was offered a paid position at the Cheshire Home I let college fall by the wayside. Things were good though.I was still taking drugs,but I was keeping everything together. I was happy with myself. I got into taking pills(ecstasy) now and then.I would save up for a month or so and then go and blow all my money on a good night out. I still didnt drink so money was going on pills,trips, speed,pot and,of course travelling expenses and stuff. I still managed to keep it all together for a while, but slowly my drug use was increasing. Justin is in our Reconcile Project. He is pictured in our art therapy class. Eventually I was taking loads of pills all weekend. At this time I was getting disillusioned with work and wasnt sure if I could keep working there because of the way things were run.The ensuing conflict within me pushed me further into the drugs I was escaping again.Eventually I left the job moved again and started drinking again.On top of all the pills I was taking ! Things got worse quickly. The next 6 months are hazy. I was constantly out of my head.I had been seeing someone with 4 kids but there was no way I could hold it all together. She had had enough and told me to leave, I was about 22 by now. I was lucky to ha ve friends who were able to keep me off the streets and although it took a long time, stability did slowly return.I calmed down and went back to occasional use . I was homeless and sleeping on friends floors but things were a lot better. These were good development times.I was on a spiritual discovery of myself.I met many new friends and some old ones and we all seemed to share this common spirituality and a great sense of adventure. It was this adventurous side that took me to the west coast of Scotland in August 1994.I was on holiday with 2 close friends,the natural beauty that surrounded us,in everything we saw, was awesome. But then disaster struck. It was the most beautiful of the late summers mornings that tempted our adventure hungry souls to explore Loch Awes eerie tranquility. My friend Joe Kerrare and I ventured into the delightful secrecy of its islands and crannogs. A freak wind hit our canoe and capsized us.We were clinging on to the canoe but everytime a gust of wind came down the Cruachens Glen the vessel span. Joe was getting into difficulty. Fighting for breath,fighting for his life. I had no time to think.Slowly he got heavier as his lungs filled with water. The both of us began to sink,I stayed with him until we hit the bottom,where I had to make the most difficult choice of my life to leave him and fight for my own survival KNOWING he was gone. Although my life had been turned upside down at this point,things were clearly into perspective. I moved into my own flat abo ve a book shop in central Todmorden.It was a lovely space to be in , and I kept it together for some time. I had set up a studio in my flat with some friends.I was learning to make music and this was a good time for expressing myself through it. Difficulties began when I took a job, which I enjoyed, but that was very low paid. I was working for nearly 40 hours per week,and in real terms I was only around £15 a week better off. I started to let the bills slip, the stress mounted up and I began falling behind with the rent. It was like trying to juggle three balls in one hand. I felt that I needed to escape again and so I did,in spring 97. I moved out of my lovely flat and into a friends house. It was only a few minutes walk from work. I got a new girlfriend and for a short time things were good. But then the pressures of the relationship plus money troubles when old bills caught up with me began to take their toll. I tried heroin with some friends who were using and it seemed perfect. The escape was total. Nothing mattered anymore until,that is,I stepped over the line in to addiction. Then only one thing mattered, where would I get my next fix. Somehow I still managed to hold down my job! But this was a tra p. I couldnt give up Heroin whilst working because I would be ill.So, just to function normally I needed my fix.Then,after a huge row with my girlfriend I decided enough was enough and I weeks.It was during this clean period that we planned to have a child. I think I went back to work too soon because I found myself in the pub every night replacing the heroin with alcohol and often skipping my tea(a sure sign that everything is not O.K.). Then one night,whilst drinking,I bumped into some old using friends. At first I only used again infrequently but before long I was knocking,again,at addictions dark door. Since this time I have tried many times to give up. I have cried many times at the disparity of my situation. I was clean for the birth of my son, George, just over 12 months ago. But when he was admitted to the hospital I had found an excuse to use. It is difficult to bear the shame I feel when I see photos of myself totally out of my head holding my son,in hospital,when hes barely a week old! My 5 weeks at T.H.O.M.A.S.have been a great help. Removed from the situations that had,ultimately, brought me here I have been given the chance to have a good look at myself.Even though I feel guilty for leaving my son (the day before his 1st birthday) I know deep down the best present I can give him is to stay clean. When my time with the project comes to an end I plan to take responsibility for my son seriously. Im also going to throw myself back into my music which I have neglected throughout my heroin addiction. Going back to school seems appealing too, again,probably to do a course in music technology plus basic maths. I feel more confident in myself now and in my ability to succeed. For the first time I can say that its unlikely that I will return to heroin use , and that I will face my future whatever it brings head on.I will do this by dealing with events as they occur, instead of using my old plan ESCAPE. |
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