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EDGES MAGAZINE Issue
23 |
October
2000 |
THIS PROJECT
CAN
MAKE A REAL DIFFERENCE
Gavin
came to us on Drugs. He is now preparing to go to college.
I
came to the Reconcile Project this year in May after I had relapsed after
twelve months of therapy in another programme. I obviously hadnt learned
what I needed to learn, which is what I feel I have gained through coming to
the Reconcile Project at St. Annes House.
I first experimented
with cannabis and alcohol when I was fourteen. I got onto the more taboo drugs
when I got to the age of sixteen. I was taking LSD, amphetamines and ecstasy.
This was a time when there was a lot of parties and night-club activity.
I tried going to college when I left school but I was too busy trying
to fit in with the in crowd. This led to me losing interest in my
college course and leaving. I took up various YTS Schemes but I never held
anything down for long. I was hanging around with the boys and getting high.
This lasted for about a year and a half. I came to a point where I realised
that I need to fund my social life. I started working for a warehouse company
and my money was just going on nights out. I was taking amphetamines or some
sort of drug at least every weekend. I used to smoke a lot of cannabis on a
regular basis. All the time I realised that I was missing out on opportunities
and every time I tried to take up another opportunity I would mess it up. My
energy was going towards the drugs and I was losing my drive. This was really
cutting me up because I felt like I was losing out on some much in life and
some of my friends had calmed down and where getting on with their lives.
I flunked my GCSEs and thats why I started smoking cannabis
regularly, because of the stress. I was young but I knew I had potential and
that I could somehow develop it. I started to feel inadequate, not because I
didnt have skills, but because I hadnt used them for so long. I
became very scatty and in general found life just hard work.
Whatever I
was taking to get me going at the weekends I used to have the come down during
the week. The worse I felt the more cannabis I smoked. That sent me right into
my head, into a fantasy land dreaming about what I would like to be. Day
dreaming became a big part of my life because I was bored all the time. I
lacked natural stimulation. When we would go for a kick around on the park it
wouldnt be too long before I decided that I wanted a joint. It was a lazy
attitude that developed into a monster.
I did work. For a lot of the
time I worked with some of my friends but it was the same thing again, I
couldnt stick it out, I was always looking for somewhere where the grass
is greener. My work friends were giving me grief, trying to put me straight and
telling me to stop taking all these drugs at weekends and to get back to
college. I would see other people at weekends taking more than me and I would
use this to justify my own bad attitude that I had developed.
My
parents got divorced when I was just turned seventeen and I used to play them
off against each other so I could support my going out habit.
I was
taking drugs because it felt like I was the person I wanted to be, an outgoing
character. It was all a false facade though. I wouldnt let people get too
close to me because the truth was that I had just lost my bottle.
In
1994 I think it was, I discovered someone who had tried heroin. This person was
actually in my social circles. That day I was curious so I asked him if he
could get me some. It didnt develop into a problem until other people
started finding out. It then started getting into my head saying, do you
want to have another go, and I was that daft I was just game for
anything. It was my own fault but some of it was to do with peer pressure. I
found that heroin was starting to fill the void that I was feeling. It made me
feel confident and comfortable and heroin took away all the anxieties that I
felt.
It has been a long battle since about 1996. I have been to hell
and back with the drug and so have my family. In 1997 I had my first go at
getting away from the drugs. I went on a course called the Princes Trust
for three months and I was doing well. The problem was that after three months
I got a bit complacent and thought that I was OK. I ended up relapsing and
going through a few jobs like telesales and a warehouse job.
At the end
of 1998 I was such a mess. I was basically dead on my feet. I was one scruffy
individual who didnt take much interest in his appearance. I decided to
go and seek help from the hospital in Chorley, where I am from. I got into a
detox programme from where I got into Inward House in Lancaster which is a
rehabilitation centre. I was doing well there but for some reason, after doing
twelve months, I went off and used. It was because I hadnt spoken enough
about what was really going on for me and how I felt. I was back in my head
again, in fantasy land.
The T.H.O.M.A.S. Organisation has given me
confidence and the ability to stop myself from being so self-defeating. All the
lads here have been through it like I have, relapsed a couple of times, and
come out of the other side. I have basically learnt to think about how I feel
and I now see the beauty of keeping things simple.
Today is a good day
because I have just had an interview with the principal of Plater College in
Oxford. This is where I intend to move on from my therapy, to develop
academically as well. It can be done and will be done. |
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