EDGES MAGAZINE Issue 26

July/Aug 2001

Being Visible - IT'S GREAT

Paul is another ex-client who now works with our project.

I used to feel like a ghost. All through my childhood and into adulthood I never felt included. Didn't fit in. I would walk around the shopping centre in my hometown, afraid that the people milling about might notice me, yet a part of me felt pain when they walked past looking through me, oblivious of me. I so wanted to be noticed, recognised or acknowledged, but I had no idea how to accomplish this.

I shudder now; when I think of the extreme lengths I sometimes went to so I could fit in. I felt an overpowering urge to fit in, to feel accepted. This is something I feel we all as human beings need, and strive to do.

We seek identity and perhaps more importantly, for people to identify with us. Sometimes in our desperation to do this, we create masks. Physical, emotional and psychological. They are created in the way we dress, the clothes we wear; and the attitude and behaviour we adopt. However, what we fail to realise, is the acceptance and identification we so desperately desire, when we finally receive it, isn't enough, because deep down we know it's not real. We're lying to everyone, especially ourselves, and in doing so, failing to recognise and accept the most important person....our real selves!

It has taken me a long time to remove my masks, the very thought of just being emotionally naked is terrifying. The hardest thing I had to do was admit to myself and others, "I cannot cope on my own." And accept that. I feel as though I have now, and what's left is a fragile, broken and vulnerable man. Broken, but slowly mending.

I find it difficult sometimes. No masks to hide behind. I'm wide open to be hurt, but I know I'm also strong enough to face anything head on. I'm not alone. After all, there are millions of people just like me, vulnerable, but getting stronger everyday.

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. Material Copyright © 2001 THOMAS (Those on the Margins of a Society)
THOMAS is an integral part of Catholic Welfare Societies, Registered Charity number 503102