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| I have been with
T.H.O.M.A.S.now for about six weeks. During this time I have discovered the real me.When I had my first one-to-one counselling session I was told that there was a new Paul Milligan waiting to get out.I think he is beginning to appear.In myself I am actually feeling different,I ’m not always in my head anymore.I have just got to be truthful now instead of living a lie. T.H.O.M.A.S.has got me living again.Before I came here I was living rough and coming to the community drugs meeting.They managed to get me into a hostel and off the streets.I took a decision to reduce the amount of drugs I was taking, especially my methadone.People at T.H.O.M.A.S.had faith in me and helped me get onto the rehabilitation programme.As soon as I got into the hostel I stopped taking heroin there and then.I saw my chemist and drugs counsellor and decided to start a methadone reduction programme. I have been in the army and there is a big drinking culture.So,I ’ve been a heavy drinker since I was seventeen.I didn ’t start on drugs until I was nineteen.It was a case of going straight onto hard drugs really,there was no progression.I spent the last two years of my army career in Northern Ireland.We found getting drunk was a good way of dealing with it because it meant we were not brawling all the time.Some of my friends were getting caught for the drink and drugs and being booted out of the army,and doing eighteen months inside.I didn ’t want that so I bought myself out. When I got out I was like a fish out of water.I ’d been told what to do ever since I was sixteen.I didn ’t have a clue how to do anything like claiming benefits.I was lucky I got a job but life didn ’t satisfy me.It was strange because my family background had never been that stable.My sister looked after me more than my mother did because she was a bit of a drinker.When I came out of the army she was in Queen ’s Park Hospital and she has been in and out of mental institutions.I ’ve never really had a family to fall back on.I ’ve always took solace in drugs really,it ’s been like my best friend.Taking drugs has been my hobby and it ’ s generally been my whole life. I ’m nearly thirty-one now and I regret not doing anything about my drug problem sooner.When I see the younger people around me I think that they have got a bit more of a start.I know I shouldn ’t look at other people but I do.Some of the people I went to school with have got the house,the car and the mortgage.At the minute I ’m happy with where I am.It doesn ’t sound a lot but forty-five days clean is a lot for me.It ’s amazing to me. When I came here I had my doubts whether I would reach the end of week two. There have been moments when I ’ve wanted to go.Something has kept me here. You would have to drag me kicking and screaming to leave this place now. The army affected me in different ways.When I first started off basic training was very hard.A lot of bullying goes on,even though they don ’t like to admit it.When you finish training and go on to battalion it gets even worse because you ’re the new boys.After you are not the new boy anymore,when a new lot come in the older ones get you to bully them.If you don ’ t do it then you ’re going to get it yourself.I feel ashamed of it but I ’ve done my bit of bullying.It was a case of just degrading the new recruits.It was silly things like say your company ’s on guard duty you would get them to attack the guard room naked with broom handles.The guard commander would come out and they would get absolutely roasted for what they were doing, even though we put them up to it.Nobody touches you after that.It ’s simply a case of pecking order,everybody gets bullied in the army. I ’ve seen a couple of people crack up. I left the army with a drink and drug problem.Drugs are rife in the army.You start off doing drugs at the weekend and before you know it you ’re doing it every night of the week.It appears to be good fun at the time.In Northern Ireland you go out on patrol with a machine gun.You ’ve got the power to stop anyone you want on the streets.Going out having just done a few lines of cocaine off the top of the toilet,you feel ten foot tall.On duty over in Northern Ireland you need a release. Since I left the army in 1992 I have been employed but it has never been anything I ’ve really been interested i n.The first j ob I got was as a trainee.Looking back at it now I know that my employer was ripping me off but I was just happy to be working and not in the benefits trap. I came back to Blackburn with no real friends to speak of.Everyone who I had gone to school with had moved on.I fell in with the wrong crowd.My main problems at that time were prescription drugs and cannabis. I moved on from my first job to working in a plastics factory.It was mind numbing really,knowing that you had to get up in a morning and make a thousand watering cans.You couldn ’t even go to the toilet without someone relieving you.I was only there for six weeks and I started doing amphetamines.Before I knew where I was I would be doing an ounce to two ounce a week.I was taking more drugs than my wage covered.They started picking up on my mood swings in the factory.No one could look at me because I would fly off the handle.They got me to see the practice nurse who came into the factory and she got me to see the doctor.They put me on prozac.My sister knew I was doing something and she asked me to stop,so I did.I couldn ’t got to work though,I couldn ’t function. I ended up in the hospital as a day patient in the psychiatric unit for six months.All they did was pump me full of drugs basically.I never got any feedback on how I was doing.I left there after a while and just started drinking again basically. In the last few months I ’ve been living rough.T.H .O.M.A.S.got me into a hostel for five weeks befo re I joined the Reconcile Project. I haven’t looked back since. It’s been the best thing I’ve ever done. |
