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David updates Edges on his
journey. A Long Struggle |
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I was last in Edges magazine six or seven years ago. I went to Pierpoint House in 1997. After I had finished my treatment there I came back to T.H.O.M.A.S.. A bloke had written to Father Jim by the name of Dr. Smith who was offering a room to let in Cornwall for anyone who was going through a hard time. I took the opportunity because I wanted to change my life and get away from Blackburn. I thought I’d had enough of drugs but as it happened I hadn’t and I went out again to do some more research into my addiction. I loved it down in Cornwall. It was really scenic. I moved in with a retired doctor. It was a bit difficult at first because I’d never been clean and lived with anyone. Things went pretty well. The doctor accepted me for who I was and accepted my way of life. As time went on I built up my clean time and was going to meetings. I got a job as a care assistant which was a real eye opener. I found it difficult to separate my work and my home life. I started to smoke cannabis. Every couple of nights I’d sit in and have a smoke. I thought I was in control of that which for me is a negative way of thinking because I’m an addict and I’ve no control over my drug use. Even if I think I’ve got control then its relapse tackle. I then started to use amphetamine because I wanted the fast life. I’d used downers for a good few years – I’d been addicted to heroin for ten years – and I was sick of it. I wanted to feel like I was more in control. I progressed on to using cocaine. I ran myself up a lot of debt. It was not all my money. I had taken someone for quite a lot of money and these are things I’ve got to deal with today because I’m clean. I started to use cocaine intravenously. Because I was that far up there I needed to come down so I started using Benzos. So I was like up and down, up and down. A stable way of life came tumbling down around me. I had a lot to deal with so I used more. I sought help from the Community Drug Service in Cornwall and went into a treatment centre. A bloke would come around from the CDS and take mouth swabs. Everything was positive because I was actively using. The help came a couple of weeks after when I got admitted to Broad-reach House which was in Plymouth. I did a six week detox off cocaine and Benzos. I went onto a secondary unit called Close-reach. I was that hard on myself and that defiant I didn’t think I had a problem. I just totally disregarded all the chaos I’ve caused. I left Close-reach two months into treatment. I went out and relapsed on heroin. I started smoking heroin because I thought I was more in control of it. I got sick of smoking it after a while and not getting anything out of it. So I started using intravenously. I was also using crack cocaine. I wouldn’t say I was using a lot but every so often I’d treat myself. I then realised I had a problem. I sat down and thought about where I’d been, where I’d come from and what I’d had. That helps you to weigh things up –the positives and the negatives of drug use. I couldn’t find many positives. It wasn’t all negative. There were some good times but mainly it was chaotic. The lifestyle I was leading was manic. It wasn’t me – it wasn’t my way of life that I wanted. I made a decision that I needed help again. I went to see my doctor to ask for a maintenance script. As you’ve got to go through the different channels it was a couple of months before I got in touch with the CDS. I was then put on a maintenance script for methadone which I used for a couple of days. I knew that I had to break away from the circle of friends I had made down in Plymouth. Coming from Blackburn and having my family around me I thought it would be a good idea to come back to Blackburn. So I just jumped on the coach back. My mum paid for the ticket. Now I’ve been three and a half weeks clean. That’s without any mind altering chemicals. The length of time I’d been using chemicals, from the early age of eleven, I always put inside me to change the way I felt. I hated the way I felt. Today, no matter how difficult, I’m coming to terms with the way I’m feeling. Feelings can’t kill me, it’s not like sticking a needle in my arm and not knowing if I’ll wake up after that hit. It’s pretty scary to think that I was on a suicide mission for all these years. Now I haven’t got much but life is pretty good. It’s better than it has been compared to my drug use. It’s just damage, damage, damage. Father Jim asked me to do an article for Edges and I thought I don’t really want to do it but I’m grateful that I can sit and talk about my drug use and give something back to someone. I might be struggling but life isn’t really that bad when you put down drugs. You’ve always got things to deal with even when you’re using. It’s a good journey and I’ve got to keep positive thoughts in mind. If I let that little voice inside my head tell me I’m alright and that I can control my drug use it’s the addict way of life getting the better of me. There’s only that part I’ve got to deal with. The rest falls into place really. I can honestly say that I’m glad to give a little bit back instead of the way of life that’s taking, taking, taking for my own selfish needs. Hopefully, I can help anyone that’s reading and struggling. Of course you’re going to feel the physical withdrawals but it doesn’t last forever. I thought I’d lost my sense of humour. The way that I thought was just manic when I was using. I thought that would have carried on when I stopped using the drugs but the fog clears and your thinking comes back. Sanity returns. Really I just wanted to give my thoughts and my experience of drug use. I leave it there thank you. Merry Christmas everybody. |
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