Edges Magazine Issue 32 - Its Hard To Stay Off Drugs

EDGES MAGAZINE Issue 32

March 2003

It’s hard to stay off drugs – but I’m determined

My name is Gavin Barnes and I’m just coming back into the T.H.O.M.A.S. Organisation.

It’s been two years since I was last here. Since then I’ve attained a certificate of Higher Education from an Oxford college. I’ve had numerous jobs and quite a substantial amount of money in my bank account, lots of clothes, various girls and lots of new friends. I’ve also worked in the civil service which was probably the best job I’ve ever had. That ended about August of this year.

While I was in Oxford doing my Higher Education certificate I came into contact with soft drugs and participated in the taking of them. It didn’t really do what it used to do for me. Sometimes I would end up getting a little too drunk. A lot of the social scene when you’re a student does revolve around pubs. Drink is just the same as drugs. Whatever you take to alter your mood it doesn’t make any difference. When I’ve had a drink in the past it’s been to enhance the way I was feeling.

I did find that my sober times were really nice. I had started to get into things like jogging and going to the gym. The problems came when it was the summer break and I returned to my hometown. Once the structure of study was finished my brain had nothing to stimulate it. I got drunk one night back home and ended up using. I wasn’t aware of that little monster at the back of my head.

I carried on using over the summer. I also had to drop my place at a good university. I waited until the next year just bumming around. I moved home to live with my mother who wasn’t very well. She took a turn for the worst just after Christmas 2001. She died the day before New Years Eve.

After the funeral I attempted to return to the T.H.O.M.A.S. Project but I was confused and rattling. I chickened out of dealing with it. I did a runner in the early hours. I ended up in hostels for about a month later. I bumped into a friend of mine who I studied with and we went off back down to Oxford.

In Oxford I was passing time. I wanted to get back to studying. I thought that would remove this dark cloud from above my head. Time management is essential if you want to get clean but I didn’t manage my time. I was lonely too and I realised that all the friendships I had were superficial. I had been working down in Oxford for the Jobcentre. One night in the pub someone said something to me that was quite upsetting, I stormed out of the pub and went looking for heroin. I found a homeless person and asked him to score for me and he did.

I woke up the next day and didn’t go into work in the jobcentre. I ended up just burying my head in the sand. I started using again and it wasn’t long before everything came to a head. I came back to Blackburn and I’m now living in a hostel. I was on a methadone script down in Oxford which has been transferred up here. I’ve now switched on to Subutex for my detox. In twelve days time I’ll be coming back into T.H.O.M.A.S.

The last couple of years haven’t been easy and I’ve learnt an awful lot. I’m not trying to give lip-service to anything here. I’m just trying to tell you how it is. Things have got better and I need to live in the now and not in the past. I need to sort this problem out properly by speaking about what’s hanging over my head. I need to speak about things so that I’m not empowering the little monster inside my head that is addiction.