Phillip is a sex offender; he recently contacted Edges Magazine. At present he is serving an 18yr sentence in the United States. When I was first asked to write an article for Edges, I was initially hesitant. But after reading about the problems other people had faced and overcame, I felt I might have something positive to share also. I too have battled addictions and suffered loss. Because of the things I have done, I have lost my family, my job and my freedom. Yet I feel that even among the dregs of society I am a pariah. I am viewed as the worst of the worst. I am Dr. Jeykll and Mr. Hyde. I have sexually abused young girls. I have not always been a criminal. Before all of this, I was a respected member of the community. I was a firefighter and paramedic. I was a rescue specialist for the state Urban Search and Rescue team. This team, after I was locked up, was one that went to the World Trade Centre site after September 11th. Seeing my former team digging through the rubble searching for survivors caused me to more fully understand the extent of my crimes. I had not only hurt my victims, their families, the two sons I left behind; I had let down my entire country. Instead of being a part of the solution, I had become part of the problem. All this begs the question, "How did I become like this?" It was a gradual process that progressed through a downward spiral of self destruction. As with many of the testimonies given in Edges, it began with me turning to drugs and alcohol to escape my problems. I first experimented with drugs in high school. In college I abused alcohol, marijuana, cocaine and other drugs socially, at parties. Somehow, I managed to stay in school. Yet, my grades and My senior year, while drunk, I got a woman I had just started dating pregnant. Two months later, upon learning I was to be a father, I promptly went out and got drunk. Later that night, I was arrested for Driving while Intoxicated. If that weren’t enough, soon afterward, I flunked my last final leaving me two semester hours short of graduating. Wanting to do the right thing, I moved in with this woman and we were soon married. A second child came a year later. I was able to take an extra class and finally get my Bachelor's. However, by this point I had become depressed that my life was not turning out as I had wished. Although I had quit drinking, I began using drugs by myself in an attempt to feel better. Not being willing to accept responsibility for the position I had put myself in, I blamed my wife and took my frustrations out on her. I never physically harmed her, but I was very indignant to her and neglected her emotional needs. My wife understandably responded to my indifference with her own. She showed me little affection. It was not that we hated each other. We simply lacked the foundation of love that is needed to make a relationship work. As my frustration with life grew, I increasingly turned more to drugs. Eventually I was using daily. The only time I wouldn’t use was when I had to work on the ambulance. For some reason I felt I could jeopardize my life but not others. I was, in fact, a well respected and hard worker. Six months prior to my arrest, I even won the Phoenix award for resuscitating a man. I found myself starved for love and intimacy. I no longer even loved myself. I felt alone in this world. My wife had opened a home business wherein she watched children. As is normal for kids, they were affectionate and looked up to me. They really enjoyed it when I would drive the fire truck to the house so they could climb on it. But I took advantage of their natural willingness to love and engaged in inappropriate contact with the girls. I am now serving 18 years in prison. So am I a monster? That is for you to decide. I can only pick up the pieces of a once promising life. In prison, I have taken substance abuse classes. I also have been attending voluntary group counselling for sex offenders for the last two years. Additionally, I must complete a mandatory program prior to my release. Even though I have done disgusting acts myself I can not comprehend what demon one must possess to be able to take the life of a child as was publicized here in the U.S. or happened in Soham. I can only surmise that these people became so deeply mired in their own cycle of abuse and deviant behaviour they lost all touch with reality. It is this self destructive downward spiral that is the common thread one sees in addictions, whether it is heroin, cocaine or sex. This should be a warning to all who wish to experiment with drugs. I do have hope now. It is founded on faith and learning to like myself. I enjoyed helping people and hope I can still do so in the future. I have fallen so far and it is still sometimes hard to see what is out there for me. But as someone once said to me, "Don’t quit for you’re not a failure…Until you fail to |
