Edges Magazine Issue 40 - I feel Marked for Life

EDGES MAGAZINE Issue 40

December 2004

I feel Marked for Life

Sue speaks to Edges

Self-harming is another way of saying ‘I need help! I can’t cope! I want someone to give me attention!’

Self-harming however leaves you marked for life. When people self-harm they do it to relieve stress, anger and depression. When I started self-harming it started off as the odd scratch across my arms and my wrists. Sometimes if I didn’t want people to notice I’d scratch my legs. I started to harm myself because I wasn’t handling what was going on in my life. I’d be too frightened to talk to people, especially my family. I was scared that they would see right through me. So I started cutting myself; I’d sit there for an hour in my room. I would have a knife, a pair of scissors and a razor in front of me, wondering how deep, how big, or small, I should cut myself. It also depended on how much anger or stress I wanted to relieve. The first time I actually cut myself, yes, it hurt but I felt as if I’d released a lot of stress, but it wasn’t enough.

I wanted it all to go away, all the stress, anger everything, so that I could smile again. Nobody thought anything was going on so I carried on. It started once or twice a week and as time went by I began cutting myself everyday; and the cuts got bigger and deeper. I used to keep a knife or a pair of scissors by my bed and cut myself at night under my covers and that’s when I cried at night in my bed. I knew that no-one could see my face. It wasn’t until I had an argument at home and my mum grabbed my arm and I pulled away and the blood soaked through my top and that my family found out what I had been doing to myself.

The worse part was facing up to what I had done to myself and the hurt I had caused my family. So I decided to do something about it. I went to the doctor’s and he put me on antidepressants, but they just made me worse and I started again. It didn’t last long, I was referred to a counsellor and now I am slowly getting better, with the help of my friends, my family and my boyfriend.

I look back now and realise that I did it as a cry for help, and knowing that I would get the help, I stopped.