 A habit that started with a few glasses of shandy turned into 'drinking to oblivion'. Lesley retraces her steps to tell DDN about her nightmare days of playing hide and seek with social services, as her life spiralled out of control. For as long as Lesley can remember, alcohol was part of her family life. She recalls camping trips during her childhood where her parents would spend time in the pubs allowing Lesley a glass of shandy. By the time she was 18, Lesley would frequently go to pubs with her friends. She remembers making sure that she had one drink more than everybody else, especially at closing time. Lesley's first long-term personal relationship lasted three years and she was devastated by the break up. She began to drink heavily, two or three bottles of wine a day _ 'drinking to oblivion'. She continued to drink this way for a year until she went back to work. When Lesley was 29, she began dating Steve. They were drinking every night, in the pub straight after work until nine or ten o'clock. When Lesley's father fell ill, she gave up work to help her mother look after him. Her mother was an alcoholic. She kept her mother company drinking, sometimes from lunchtime. 'She deserved it, having to look after my father and I was keeping her company - my excuse.’ When her father died, Lesley and her mother hit the drink hard. Within 18 months, her mother also passed away. Again, Lesley's drinking escalated. 'I was completely off my rocker all the time.' She cannot remember exactly how much she was drinking at this time - cans of cider and lager, made up with half a bottle of whiskey a day. Lesley continued drinking chaotically until she was 37 years old when she gave birth to James. This prompted her to look at her drinking. She slowed down, having a couple of cans in the evenings. Her partner continued to drink heavily. When James started nursery, Lesley would meet her friends in the afternoon in the pub. She was drinking with people who drank like she did. She continued to drink in the evenings as well. Her drinking further escalated. Social Services became involved and James, aged seven, was taken into care. Lesley tried detoxing three times in a local psychiatric hospital. She also tried numerous home detoxes. However, she had no intention of staying off the alcohol. ‘I'd just give my body a break and go back out there ... I'd no intention to stay off it... let my liver recover and be nice to Social Services and they'll give me James back.’ She was sober for six months when Social Services gave James back to her. However, although she had cleaned up she had not changed her way of thinking. She attended a harm-reduction agency, where she was encouraged to control her drinking. 'It was giving me license to drink, wasn't it? You know, as long as I show up on time ... it was good.’ James was home six months when Steve had a stroke. He was diagnosed with brain cancer and given five weeks to live. Lesley looks back at this as a wonderful license to drink. She visited Steve in hospital every day while under the influence of alcohol. Two cans in the morning for breakfast for courage and two cans to drink during the visit hidden in the toilets. Steve was in hospital for four months before Lesley was allowed to take him home. At this point, she was drinking cider, as lager was no longer giving her a quick enough kick. She then had to take Steve to chemotherapy every day. Leslie started to try and control her drinking. She also tried changing her drinks. She tried to rationalise that she couldn't be an alcoholic because she drank whiskey and Martini, not only cheap lagers and ciders. Social Services took James off Lesley again. Her friends volunteered to foster him and Lesley was allowed supervised contact once a week. Inevitably, Steve had to go into a nursing home. When he died, Lesley weighed just six stone. With Steve gone and James in care, she felt as if her life had collapsed and began to question, ‘What have I got to live for?' Steve's funeral was on a Friday and Lesley went into the local psychiatric hospital on the following Monday to detox. Her detox lasted ten days. Once again she turned to alcohol. She drank from long glasses, decided to have only one drink before tea - but tea kept getting earlier - and was grateful for the invention of Coca-Cola (you could hide so much in it!) She started to take Valium in the morning if she did not have alcohol, in order to avoid withdrawal symptoms. Lesley was now spending most of her time on her own. She described herself as 'a poor helpless little waif with nothing going for her' at the peak of her drinking. 'I didn't care, I couldn't be bothered. I was dirty. I didn't bother washing. Didn't bother eating. I was the person no one wanted to talk to. Even my drinking friends, the majority of them had deserted me. I was an embarrassment. I was very, very lonely. Very lonely.’ During the six months after her partner Steve died, Lesley became involved with a local voluntary sector treatment agency. The initial contact was made in the detox ward at the psychiatric hospital. The local agency arranged for Lesley to go to a residential treatment centre away from her home. Even though she was aware that she had an alcohol problem, Lesley looked upon her forthcoming time at the residential centre as a holiday. It would be nice to get away, as she could do with a break. Lesley's drinking continued at the same level while she was waiting to start residential treatment. She had to sell some of her possessions, and sell or swap her prescribed Valium to obtain alcohol. By this time, it wasn't taking her much to get drunk - she would drink approximately six cans of lager or cider a day. 'I couldn't take anymore. I was just passing out or blacking out.' During 21 weeks in the residential centre, Lesley's life changed dramatically. After detoxing, she spent eight weeks in primary care, a treatment programme that aims to help patients face the reality of their addiction, change the behaviours associated with it, and provide the foundations for recovery. The programme is holistic in nature, incorporating one-to-one counselling, group work and medical support, along with audio and video presentations, lectures, stress management, relaxation sessions and aerobics. During primary care, clients work through the first five steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Members of the client community are also encouraged to help each other. Lesley had originally intended to stay only eight weeks, head back home, and try to arrange for her son to come out of foster care. However, after about three or four weeks something changed inside her and she decided she wanted to enter secondary care. This programme, which lasts another 13 weeks in residence, is a stepping-stone between primary care and returning to the wider community. It combines group therapy, one-to-one counselling and personal assignment work. Secondary care is a therapeutic community, which also involves residents taking part in the active running of the houses and household activities _ shopping, cooking, budgeting and household management. Residents are also encouraged to become involved with voluntary work within the local community. 'Secondary gives the opportunity to live in the real world while still cocooned: you still have your fallback if anything goes wrong.' When Lesley left the residential centre, her local treatment agency and social services continued to support her. She attended AA _90 meetings in 90 days - which she found really scary. She also had some support from a family member. She had intended to receive aftercare from the local treatment agency, but felt more at ease periodically attending the residential centre for this form of support as she had more people there with whom she could identify. However, she engaged in the diversionary activities at the local agency (computer classes, cooking and gardening), which she found very helpful. Three months after Lesley came home from the residential centre, James was visiting more often. As she began to stand on her own two feet more, she cut down on the time she was spending at the local treatment agency and at AA meetings. James eventually came home full-time and has remained there since. He had spent approximately three years (on and off) in care or with foster parents. Looking back, Lesley feels that she needed residential rehabilitation, rather than being treated as an outpatient, despite her strong positive feelings towards the local treatment agency. 'Some of us need to be locked up, for want of a better expression ... I didn't feel I had enough going for me. I was home and what the eye couldn't see…, I'd be drinking at home and I'd be coming in here [local agency] and lying through my teeth.' Lesley believes that her main reason for remaining abstinent was for herself and her son. 'I couldn't put my son through what he's been through another time.' She now enjoys a 'brilliant' relationship with James - they are best friends. During her drinking days, Lesley's relationship with her sister deteriorated badly. Now, they have a positive and loving relationship that far exceeds anything they had before. She started to work as a volunteer at the local treatment agency and eventually was appointed as a tenancy support worker. She no longer describes herself as lonely. 'I like to think I'm someone people get on with ... no, I know I'm someone people like to get on with and like to be with these days ... I feel worthwhile. Lesley has been sober for over four years. She has not had a compulsion to drink since she left residential treatment. But she knows that she mustn't become complacent because that could be dangerous. Life without drink is 'brilliant', she says. 'You notice everything ... Learning to live clean is good because there are lots of things you think you can't do, but you can. And it's brilliant looking out in the morning, the sun is shining, you know? The smile on my son's face. Recovery is about learning to live properly, live as we're meant to live ... something clicks and suddenly yes, I am worth living. I am worth a decent life. I am a good person.' |
