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| I was on Cannabis when I was 9 years old |
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| When I was
9 years old I took cannabis just to fit in with people. I didn’t know
anything about it and I remember feeling a bit scared but all my life I have
been one who risked things. I didn’t like it, but the next day I was back
again, trying it again. It became a regular thing during my early life and I
became involved with alcohol when I was about 10 or 11. This went on and I
became involved in crime. I was put under a Social Worker’s care; I
didn’t actually go into a home but they saw me every day and took me to
school. I was soon taken out of school and I ended up in a Support Centre until
I was 14. By that time I’d experienced LSD and amphetamines. I stayed with
the amphetamines for quite a while. By the time that I was 17 I was mixing my
drugs and then ecstasy and clubbing came. I was doing crime to support my drug
habit and on my 16th birthday I got a nine months jail sentence. Since then my
life has been in and out of jail. I progressed from amphetamines until heroin
and crack cocaine came along. I had tried heroin at 16 for a while thinking
that I could control it, but it took a grip and my life has been controlled by
it ever since. I’ve never been able to get away from it. My life has been
jail and drugs; I never really had a manageable life or a social life. I
thought I did but for a long time I was in denial. When I was 24 I got a two
years jail sentence. Drugs took me to a place where I was suicidal and I was in
a solitary part of the prison, praying, I don’t know to whom, but praying
to anyone to help take away my life. But I didn’t have the bottle to do
that. I sat in my pad and I thought who would miss me? There was nobody. I was
so lonely, because I had no one. I had stolen from and abused everyone who was
in my life. I remember sitting praying. I was shipped out to another jail where I tried a really intense rehab where I got some hope. It was based on the 12 steps programme, but I didn’t get any life skills from that rehab. I didn’t get a taste of what life is like without drugs. It was constant therapy and nothing else. I came out and I relapsed through not having the coping skills for day to day living. I had the skills to cope with my past but I didn’t know how to live from day to day. I’ve taken myself back to that despair through relapse. With the help of the people connected with that rehab they advocated for me to come here to T.H.O.M.A.S. Here I’ve been put back on track; and shown the life skills that I needed. I’ve been introduced to a life that I’ve never known. Simple things like playing football, cooking tea, being manageable around things. I’ve never been able to do this stuff. I have people around me who can help with whatever situation arises; I don’t have to be alone. I am hopeful for the future. I know that I can manage to live on my own in a house; I can cook, clean and do all the things I couldn’t do before. I know there is a life without drugs. Socialising – I’ve never been able to hold a conversation without drugs and crime; my life has been consumed by drugs. But to talk about day-to-day living – I didn’t have a clue. I couldn’t do that with people, I lied all the time. My worst moment was being in the Blocker, suicidal no hope after all the drugs I’d taken. I got into the Block for messing about on the wing, abusing staff on the wing. My family is dysfunctional, my father is an alcoholic, violent, angry, a womaniser and he played away. I grew up with this all around me. The other thing was, that when he left my mum he lived across from her, so seeing him every day with another family was hard. Kids in the street used to tell me things, so I rebelled. My mother lost control of me from an early age. I don’t know whether I was looking for a father figure, I knew I was always at school and I wanted a family, but I didn’t have much love. My mum did her best but because I never experienced it at an early age I’ve never known what it is. I put it down to that. I’ve always been searching for a family unit. Since coming to T.H.O.M.A.S. I’ve discovered I’m not the person I always thought I was, that I can have a life. I have social skills, I’m sociable, I’m not selfish. I realize that I have qualities in my life. I’m able to help other people, I can do simple things that I never thought I could do. I think the group is very important; it’s about addicts helping each other, showing that we’re not all bad, that we can help by sharing, deal with problems with each other, being honest about problems in the past and that we’re not on our own. If you’re not on your own you can be helped. I was isolated and desperate when I came to T.H.O.M.A.S. and to-day I feel a lot more confident and part of society. Just by being in the group I get hope. As I look to the future I would like to get some education, get a place of my own, help other people and to achieve the goals that I’ve always wanted, to get a job, a family. To-day I have a reasonable life, friends around me which I haven’t had in the past and that’s something I can achieve. |
