Although I live in Edinburgh, Scotland, I was born in Doncaster, England in 1971. I never lived there although both my parents are from Scotland. I have moved around a lot during my younger years, including a short spell in Spain. My childhood was a very disruptive one, with both my parents having been married and divorced 7 times between them, emotional trauma with step-parents, away at boarding school; date-raped at 16 and long term suffering of mental health problems. I often wonder had these situations not occurred would I have suffered from a breakdown at 16; who knows? It was while taking my exams just after my 16th birthday that my emotional health deteriorated. I felt so overwhelmed by tiredness, I would often fall asleep while trying to study, I couldn't concentrate and classes and life became meaningless, my school reports were less encouraging as well. I thought a change of school would benefit my well being, so I moved to Edinburgh in Aug 87 to boarding school. For the first few months I was ecstatic; I wonder whether I was too high, because I came down so suddenly, so low, that I took an overdose in Nov 87. I saw the psychiatrist every 6 weeks, but I felt the same, school was such a struggle, lost in my own thoughts of despair, my head echoed, my brain numb. Nearing my final exams I shared a flat with my cousin, I took another overdose 6 months after, this time I left a note. I was admitted to hospital. I was scared, images and thoughts about what a psychiatric hospital would be like, loony bin, mad people, screaming, torture. I was wrong. I was safe from my self-destruction; quiet; nurses were friendly and doctors wanted to help. I was admitted to an adult ward, which they felt was inappropriate and they referred me to the "Young People's Unit" (one of a very small number), specialising in young people from about 12 up to 22 yrs of age, I was 17. It was a place to express yourself, lots of therapies, small doses of medication, just enough to lift me from my torture, and most of all to share with other young people. I was severely depressed, I self-harmed, was slightly paranoid and delusional. I spent 7 months as an in-patient, and then was well enough to get my own flat with another girl from the same unit. I didn't stay well for long, the paranoia and delusions got worse, as did the self-harm and I started hearing noises and voices. I was admitted at age 19 to the hospital, for 6 months. It was decided that I needed a supported environment in order to get better and get the help I needed. I also started some new medication I applied for supported accommodation and was accepted - an environment of support from mental health workers and other residents with mental illness. There I met my now husband; as our relationship became closer we applied together for a flat and we moved. This was a difficult adjustment after having been cared for for so long, but my husband has been a tower of strength through all the difficult times. I was discharged from the "Young People's Unit" when I was 22. I was old enough then to use the adult services. I'd still been suffering and had taken an overdose in July 92; I nearly died. Although in between episodes I'd not been too bad, never back to what I was, but functioning. Along with changes in medication and other services I had been pretty well until Sept 1997, (between 1993 and 1997 I had no contact with psychiatric services, apart from seeing my GP for my medication), when gradually I deteriorated, the paranoia and delusions came back as did the voices and I was sent to a day unit and put on a medication which I feel contributed to my overdoses in Dec 97 & Jan 98. I suffered "paradoxical side-effects"; the drug was doing the opposite of what it was meant to do. I felt physically and mentally ill, the final straw was hearing voices telling me to kill myself, that it wasn't worth living anymore, so I made plans to run away and kill myself. I consulted my GP on Wednesday, saw my key nurse and psychiatrist on Thursday telling them exactly what was happening to me and ran away and took an overdose on Friday. I left a note to my husband telling him that he should kill himself also. I had many bizarre thoughts of doing away with my husband and myself so that I wouldn't feel guilty for leaving him alone. I had violent thoughts of suicide. I went away to Glasgow and ended up at a bed and breakfast and waited to die, it didn't work. After 2 days I ran out of money, left the B&B, went to a call box and phoned the Samaritans. Then I phoned the police, who picked me up outside a call box. I was put in a police cell and taken back to Edinburgh where I was admitted to Edinburgh Royal Infirmary to be treated for my overdose. I was admitted to the Royal Edinburgh Hospital. I don't recall much during the first few weeks, I couldn't eat, sleep or think, the nurses had no time for me or anyone else, the doctors we hardly ever saw and no one bothered to even ask me what had led to my breakdown. They said I ran away to manipulate my husband into giving up work and that I had Borderline Personality Disorder, (which to this day I contest, as I have none of the diagnostic symptoms of it). I was discharged in March 1998 after finally getting my medication changed. I continued to attend my local day hospital. I slowly started to feel better again and for 6 months I felt the best I'd felt for years. This did not last and I had another spell in hospital where I had my medication changed again. I've had a few ups and downs since but nothing needing hospital admission thankfully. At times I struggle, and sometimes feel that each episode just gets worse and more difficult to cope with, I also have not recovered as well as before and I find everyday tasks difficult; some days I can cope and other days I just want to sleep and leave the day behind.........Sleeping is still a major problem for me which gets me down. I have a Community Psychiatric Nurse now, and I value her support. I left the day hospital after being there for over 2 yrs. I felt I had used all the services they had to offer and no longer looked forward to attending there. I attend a local drop-in for people with mental health problems 2 days a week, it's very friendly and supportive. And I spend a lot of time online getting support, offering support and of course adding lots to my web site, which I find very therapeutic. I have a support worker from Penumbra (mental health charity). I see my GP for my medication now and she is also very good. I may never beat this illness, but I will try my hardest not to let it get me down, and good support is the key issue in trying to stay sane! My support is wonderful and invaluable to me and although my CPN has said she won't see me for too much longer I now have my new support worker and we are getting on very well. The drop-in is great too and I am continuing to build good friendships offline as well as on. My relationship with my husband couldn't be better! Long may it last. I remember the good period between 93' and 97', it took up to 2 years to gain a level of well being that I was willing to accept and this is where I am now. This time I think the doctors are quite happy for me to stay with the medication I am on and not mess around with it and I am quite happy to stay with it also. I still have some wobbly days but I know that I'll pick up again and it's not too drastic, I guess just normal mood fluctuations. Stress is a big factor in staying well coupled with routine. I have regular 10hrs sleep a night, a couple of hours in the morning to get myself awake and ready for the day ahead and most afternoons except weekends, when I am either out with my support worker or at the drop-in. Most evenings and weekends are spent online catching up with friends, working on the site and relaxing. I take each day as it comes although sometimes I do worry about further setbacks, it's only natural having had so many. My struggle with weight continues and I have been informed that since one of my drugs causes the metabolism to slow down a lot I have to reduce my calorie intake much more than someone of my height and size would normally have to and do more exercise so I have added another day to my gym routine. I've yet to see any results but it is increasing my energy levels a great deal and mentally it is very stimulating. I'm also walking a fair bit. Things are going well. I have found stability at last. The Open University course I am doing has nearly finished. I feel like a different person and my mental health problems have been greatly improved by the exercising also. MHUK (website) is thriving and I have continued to build friendships with so many people; MHUK is very important to me and will be for a long time to come. I am currently working as a support assistant, helping people with severe and enduring mental health problems. I am doing one shift a week at the moment, because with studying and also starting advocacy training I have little time and I need to stay within the constraints of permitted work while on benefits. Advocacy is really what I would like to get into. I have done some voluntary work in this field. My mental health has been fine with the continuation of the same medication and yearly appointments with my psychiatrist who is quite happy with how things are going. Lastly, I celebrated my 10th wedding anniversary with a lovely meal in a little hotel. The year ahead is going to be as busy as ever. I hope that people can identify with my experiences; mental illness is for some people a life sentence and this is why I share with others, we are creative, intelligent human beings and have a lot to give other people. Together we can give others hope. |
