I'D BE FAR BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU
Duet with Michael Bolton
(To The Tune of: She'd be far better off with you)
 
Bolton:  I just want you to retire (Ball:  That's not gonna happen)
To give all the other singers a fair chance (Ball:  What do you mean?)
We're a disaster (Ball:  Oh, come, come)
Compared to you, it's true,
We'd be far better off without you ...
Ball:  I'm the bestest ever singer (Bolton:  Why aren't I so gifted?)
I'm more talented than you will ever be (Bolton:  Well, yes that's true)
I'm not big headed (Bolton:  Is that right?)
It's just so obvious
You'd be far better off without me ...
Both:  Your words are very, very selfish but they're also true:
I'd be far better off without you
Bolton:  I know it's a bit confusing (Ball: Well, it is an odd thing)
Both our surnames starting with that darnit 'B' (Ball: God, yes it is ...)
Ball:  It's a disaster (Bolton: Yes, you're right.)
Fans don't know what to do
I'd be far better off without you
Ball:  You're a Yankee
Bolton:  You are British
Ball:  You've a silly hair do
Bolton:  I have cut it now,
It looks a lot like yours
Ball:  Don't be absurd
Bolton:  Can you forgive me?
Ball:  I suppose
Bolton:  I hope your fans can too
Both:  The fact remains I am not you
Both:  Your words are very, very selfish but they're also true;
We both are different singers
Bolton:  Just take a look there's no comparison between us two
Ball:  I'm sooooo much better off than YOU!!!!!
 
Ball:  You're too dumb
And too confused
To understand what's best, and what's best is obvious,
You should simply give up trying, there'll be less damage.
Bolton:  Perhaps you're right,
I'll do my best
To just go underground, and wipe my name from memories.
But tell me how it all began Mike.
Ball:  From the beginning?
Bolton:  Yes
 
Please note: the writers have nothing personal against Michael Bolton...he was just born in the wrong place at the wrong time :-)
 

Scene 2
The Ballpoint cast members and the ensemble appear onstage
 
 
WHEN A BALL IS BORN
(To the tune of When A Child is Born)
 

mmmmmmmmmmmm….
A ray of hope flickers in the sky
A tiny spotlight lights up way up high
All across the land girls burst out in song
This comes to pass when a Ball is born

A silent hush, when he starts to sing
For those two hours, he is their new king
And the critics all crumble tossed and torn
This comes to pass when a Ball is born

Rosy cheeks are blushing all around
When Michael Ball throws his jacket on the ground
And for an hour or two
No one seems forlorn
This comes to pass when a Ball is born
 
(Spoken)
And all of this happened because the world was waiting, waiting for one child, black, white, yellow, no one knew but a child that would grow up and turn tears to laughter, hate to love, war to peace, everyone to everyone's neighbour, misery and suffering shall be words to be forgotten forever

It's NOT a dream, no illusion now (Ensemble: not now!)
It has come true, he appeared somehow
Oh yeah, somehow
All across the land girls burst out in song
This comes to pass when a Ball is born
This comes to pass when a Ball is born
 
 

Scene3
The stage brightens and a herd of small children run out from the wings. A man stands in the centre and a small boy with golden curls walks up to him, in his hand he holds a sheet of paper.
 
Boy: 'Sir?'
Man: 'Yes boy?' (The man looks at him dismissively)
Boy: 'It says here, that I'm just in the ensemble, I've only one line'
Man:  'Yes? And what of it boy? What of it?'
Boy:  'Please, sir, I want some more.'
Man: 'MORE?'
The lights dim and a spotlight hits the boy and he knows, there is no, going back.
 

ANY PART WILL DO
(To the tune of  'Any Dream Will Do')
 

Ball:  I want a part.
In the school play,
No need to pay, but
No-one else will do.

Far far away
Someone is cheering
'cause I'm appearing
Any part will do.

I've lovely curls
My face is pretty
My speech is witty
And my eyes are blue

And in the gym
Girls hearts are breaking
Their hands are shaking
Because they love me too.

Oh, give me the lead,
Let me play Joseph
That silly weed
You've picked has left

Of course I'm small but there's no-one
as good as Michael Ball.

Now lets return (Kids:  Now lets return)
To the beginning (Kids:  ahh, ah)
Now you'll hear me singing  (Kids: ah, ah)
Much better than you.

The world is mine (Kids:  The world is mine)
I will be famous (Kids: ahh ah)
And you'll be jealous (Kids: ah ah)
Give me a part, do.

Oh, give me the lead,
Let me play Joseph
That silly weed
You've picked has left

Of course I'm small but there's no-one
as good as Michael BAAALLL

Now lets retuuuuurn (Kids:  Now lets return)
To the beginning (Kids:  ahh, ah)
Now you'll hear me singing (Kids: ah, ah)
Much better than you.

The world is mine (Kids: the world is mine)
I will be famous (Kids: ahh ah)
And you'll be jealous (Kids: ah ah)
Give me a part, do.
I HAVE GOT GOLDEN CURLS, I'VE LOVELY GOLDEN CURLS.
I MAY BE VERY SMALL, BUT I AM MICHAEL BALL
I'M MICHAEL BAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.
The teacher walks away and little Michael is left in tears.
 
 
Scene 4
*Ten Years Later*
The stage set is a living room, it is the Ball house, where Michael and his Father are having a conversation.
 
Dad (angry) : What are you going to do with your life?  You KNOW this is no way to go
Michael:  There's one thing that I've ALWAYS wanted to do and that is: work with Mann & Co
(fake dreamy look, trying to fool his father, when in reality he has 'NO idea of what he wants to do')
Dad: Em… well I think that it's noble and good
To sell houses to people in need (TRIES to look sincere)
If you are sure then I think that you should!
By GOD, I hope you succeed...
Michael: Thank you, dear father, I won't disappoint you
I'll work all day long and at night,
I'll work even MORE 'cause I know that I need
To have some positive goal in my life'
(looks up to the sky with fake 'dreamy' look in eyes again)
 
Father leaves the room, Michael alone on the stage starts twisting his hands and walking up and down in agitation.
 
Michael: (To the tune of LCE)
(Alex in Kitchen Scene in Aspects)
Why, why must he make a fuss, things were perfect, 'til this day.  Why, why must he ruin it.
Then, his Father re-enters the room.
Dad: I'm glad you've decided, I've phoned up the office,
I think you've a really good chance,
You're expected tomorrow at twenty past seven
Try and be on time for once!
Michael: Thank you dear father, I …won't…dis…
(waits until dad is out of the room and starts singing)
 
ESTATE AGENT IN THE MAKING/WHAT HAVE I DONE???
(To The Tune of Valjean’s soliloquy from Les Miserables)
Michael:  What have I done, sweet Jesus, what have I done?
I don't want to live on selling houses for fun
But my father will kill me if I don't get a job,
What should I do;  I feel SOO misérable  ((poetic freedom))

I cry in the dark, but nobody hears
I lie in bed, my face covered with tears
If there's another way to go
I missed it 20-odd years ago

My career is a war that can never be won
I need a job, PLEASE find me one!
I refuse to end up, as I said:
Selling houses for my daily bread
 
(harp-solo)
 
Yet why do I allow this man
To hold dominion over me?
He treated me like any other
Just like my sister…and my brother

He told me to go find a job
But does he know:
That granting me this interview
This man had ruined me, even so

I, am , reaching, but I fall…..
And the night is closing in…..
As I stare into the void
Of the whirlpool of my sin….

I’ll escape now from this world…….
From the world of Mann &Co…….
MANN &CO IS NOTHING NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I”LL FIND ANOTHER WAY TO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Michael stops and looks up, strange, beautiful music is coming from outside the window. He goes outside to see a hand, beckoning to him.. He begins to follow the person.  Scenery disappears and Michael walks around the stage to give the impression of having travelled a long distance.  A door is at the side of the stage and through this, the strange man disappears. A large sign hangs over the door, it reads ‘Guildford School of Acting.’ Michael stands at the door, unsure as to whether or not he should enter.
 
Strange Man (To the tune of the Bishop scene in Les Miserables): Come in Michael, come in daaaahling.
You have travelled from so fa-har
But we know it will be worth it
You'll become a major star
You have got a British accent

You've got dimples, curly hair
Add to that a voice to die for
Trust me, Michael
You'll go far!
 
Michael enters through the doorway.
 

Scene 5
*Three Years Later*
Michael stands alone on the stage, all around him are acting school paraphernalia, masks, costumes,
strange, ‘modern art’ pieces etc.
 
Michael (To the tune of the next bit in Les Miserables!): I had a perfect time there,
A time I deeply miss
They hoisted me in tights and taught me how to kiss
But then a play was done and I had to do lights
I don't want stage-management, so I'll take my FLIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!
 
Michael runs to the door to find it locked. An angry sneer comes across his face
 
GUILDFORD ACTING SCHOOL
(To the tune of ‘Sunset Boulevard’)
 
Michael:  Sure I came out here to make my name,
Wanted a suit, an aeroplane,
Thought that this was the way for certain,
But after 3 years I have been sent
To help out with stage management,
I have to stay behind the curtain

Guilford Acting School,
Twisted acting school,
Secretive and rich, a little scary,
Guilford Acting school,
B*****d acting school,
Waiting there to swallow the unwary

Fees are not enough to win a place,
They have to also like your face,
I've had a sunbed tan for ages.

Smile a rented smile,
Take someone's class,
Wear silly wigs to get a pass,
And they don't even pay us wages

Guilford Acting School,
The best acting school,
Getting here is only the beginning.
Guilford Acting school,
Stupid acting school,
Now I'm in I wish I'd studied singing

You think I'd sell out?
Dead right I'd sell out,
I've just been waiting for the right offer
I'd do commercials,
I'd understudy,
I'd play the phantom,
I already went busking.

And if I'm honest,
I like the Lloyd Webber,
Even if none of the stories are clever,
But I can't abide, this being sent
To do stage management
Well, I'm an actor

Guilford's changed a lot over the years,
Since those brave teaching pioneers,
Came with their new planning permission.
Far as they could go, the last free site,
Their dreams were good their dreams were right,
But in my dream there's something missin'.

Guildford Acting School,
Frenzied acting school
Swamped with every kind of false emotion
Guilford Acting School, famous acting school
When you work backstage, there's no promotion

I was sinking fast, I had no hope,
Thought selling houses was a joke
This seemed an elegant solution

One day this must end it lasts four years
I've one more left:  blood sweat and tears,
Then it's success or disillusion

Guilford Acting School, ruthless acting school
Destination for the stony hearted
Guilford Acting School, old, cruel acting school.
Everyone´s forgotten how they started,
Here at Guildford Acting SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Michael sits down in a chair, exhausted by his outburst, presently, a phone starts to ring....
 

Scene 6
Michael arrives onstage dressed very poorly, but looking happy.
 
PAYDAY'S COMING
(To the tune of 'Something's Coming' - WSS)

Michael: Not long, to go.
My cheque is due any day,
I'll cash it right away, soon as it shows.

I can buy anything the limits the sky, I'll buy a tie
Might get some clothes.
Who knows?

It's only just out of reach,
The whole cast gets one each,
From the postie,
I got a feeling that my pay'll come through,
It’s overdue, coming to me.

Could it be?
Yes it could.
Payday's coming, I'll have food,
If I can wait.
Payday's coming, don't know yet, when it is, but it is gonna be great.

I'll be rich,
I'll get locked,
Phone will jingle,
Door will knock,
We'll have a laugh.

Payday's coming, don't know when, but it's soon, catch the moon, one handed catch.
Ninety five pounds,
The equity minimum,
Come on, deliver, to me.
Will it be?

Yes it will, maybe just by holding still, it'll be there.
Come on postman, come on in, don't be shy, meet a guy, pull up a chair.
The Air is humming, my equity cards coming,
The Air is humming, my equity cards coming,
Who knows, it's only just out of reach, then we’ll all get one each, maybe next week,
Maybe next week,
Maybe, NEXT WEEK!
 

Scene 7
WEST-END STAR
(to the tune of AOL, act 1, scene 10, where George arrives for the first time to the cottage at Pau)
 
One side of the stage is set up with chairs like an auditorium.  Michael walks around the stage until he reaches a door (Yes the same one, it has many talents, this time, the sign hanging over it reads: Cameron Macintosh, Les Mis auditions HERE)
 
Michael: You must forgive this rude intrusion, but really felt I had to audition
Cameron :  Oh Mr. Ball, come in, come in, I’ve heard a million things about you.
Michael:  And you are?
Cameron:  Mr. Macintosh.
Michael:  I hate to just turn up, but I thought I might muscle in.
But don’t let me disturb you
Cameron:  Oh it's nice to meet you
Michael:  I just love Les Miserables (Trevor Nunn- who’s mixing drinks: Lemon? Ice?)
Cameron:  The perfect book
Michael:  But underrated
Cameron:  Yes, that's true
Michael:  And always slated now, by stupid critics-
Cameron:  How concise
Michael:  And I think I show promise
Cameron:  Yes, I think so to-hoo
Michael:  Ah, so you think I'm the best then?
Cameron:  Rising star
Michael (embarrassed): I'm sure, I'm sure.
Cameron:  You'll play Marius
In two weeks-
Michael:  The handsome lover?
Cameron:  Yes! Unless you take non-singing roles?
Michael:  I hate to be a little rude,
But I must tell you sir, there's no non singing roles
And I don't do stage management.
Cameron laughs and puts him arm around Michael
Cameron: I'd like to be, the first to say, you’re perfect.  A voice like yours I haven't heard in years ...
Exit Cameron, Trevor and Michael
 
Scene 8
Following another swift costume change for our hero, Andrew Lloyd Webber emerges from a dark corner and sidles up to the unsuspecting Michael:
 
ALL I ASK OF YOU
(To the tune of All I ask OF You – Phantom)
(A moment, as their eyes meet. The mood changes.)
Andrew: No more talk of Les Mis
Forget these three hour shows
You're free, Phantom could use you
And we don't want to loose you
I am the
Composer
Let Andrew
Tell you dear -
I'm here, and I admire you
So I would like to hire you
 
Michael: Say they'll love me every
waking moment,
Give me songs
to do that are sublime . . .
Say you need me
with you,
now and always . . .
promise me that I
Will soon be Raoul -
that's all I ask
of you . . .
 
Andrew:  Let me re-assure you
 Let me be your light.
You're safe:
They all admire you
And I am right behind you . .
 
Michael:  All I want is freedom,
From shows that last all night . . .
and you
always beside me
to help me
and inspire me . . .
 
Andrew:  Then say you'll share with
me one
Show, this one time . . .
Let me set for you
the scene and mood . . .
You will play Raoul
He's the
Bold, young lover . . .
The Phantom, he has,
A true love too -
Christine,
But she's in love with you
Michael: That sounds Brilliant I've
Not one, more question . . .
Say the word
And I will follow you . . .
 
BOTH: Share each play with
me, nights
And  Matinees . . .
 
Michael:  Say you need me . . .
 
Andrew: You know I do . . .
Practice -
that's all I ask
of you . . .
 
(They smile)
Michael:  Any play, you do
Include me too-
That's all I ask
Of you ...
(Michael starts from his reverie)
We must go -
they'll wonder where we are . . .
wait for me, Andrew!
Andrew:  Michael, come on!
 
Michael:  Order your fine cars!
Be with them at the door!
 
Andrew: And soon you'll be beside me!
 
Michael: Audition me, then hire me . . .
(They hurry off. Trevor Nunn emerges from
behind a statue)
Trevor: I gave you the best part . . .
I left your song in . . .
and now, how you've
repaid me:
denied me
and betrayed me . . .
He was bound to steal you
when he heard you sing . . .
Michael ...
Michael... (he breaks down in tears)

Andrew/Michael:  (offstage)
Say you'll share with
me one
Play, at night time . . .
say the word
and I will follow you . . .
Share each play with
me, nights
and matinees . . .
 
Trevor:  YOU WILL CURSE
 the day you did not do
all that Trevor Nunn asked
of YOU . . .!
(We hear the maniacal laughter of TREVOR and see him high above the stage, perilously rocking the chandelier.  The lights of the chandelier begin flickering and, at a great cry from him, it descends, swinging more and more madly over the orchestra pit)
 
Trevor:  GO! !
 
(The chandelier falls to the stage at Michael’s feet) Fast paced music as the scene changes, Nunn now looking nervous and a little older (with facial hair more pronounced) and Michael, walking in step with him as if all that has just occurred was long ago…)

Scene 9
The set: An auditorium.
 
HOW YOU’VE GROWN
Trevor: (To the tune of AOL: Act 1, scene 16, between Alex & Elizabeth at George’s house in Paris): How you've grown!
Michael:  It's been three years.
Trevor: I  haven't seen you since you left Les Mis.
Michael: (looking at him suspiciously)  I missed you too.
Trevor:  And such a nice Armani suit!
Michael: (looking around theatre)  The same old posters.
Trevor:  Andrew'll be so pleased to meet you, I'll go and tell him!
(Michael picks up a large script, examines it and reads the title on the front)
Michael: 'Aspects Of Love'…
Trevor:  Andrew's changed, 'Aspects of Love' has turned his life around.
Michael: Well, good for him.
Trevor:  It has made him young again.
Michael:  Where is he now then?
Trevor:  He's busy with another court-case
He'll be right with us.
Now tell me, do you still like curry?
Won't be a moment!
 
(He bustles eagerly out. Michael, alone, wanders about the theatre, reading the script)

Michael: And so he got his wicked way with that insane old book, He hasn’t lost his touch…

(Placing the script on the stage, he relaxes into an aisle-seat. A beat.
Very slowly, behind Michael, Andrew appears. Gently, he speaks)

Andrew: Well, hello…
Michael: I should have known what YOU were writing,
Would be terrific, 'Drew, it's stunning!!!
God, what a fool I was to doubt you,
What was all my searching for,
This play is everything and more!
Andrew (shyly): Well, if it makes you happy, think it…
Michael:  I love the score…!
Andrew: …The truth is we're an actor short…
Michael:  Not anymore…!!
Andrew:  Are you sure? Up to you…
Michael:  You have to let me play!
Andrew:  The music's very complicated.
Michael:  Well, so am I!
Andrew:  And the lyrics, they are tricky too.
Michael: … But I can try!
Andrew:  Simple, yet, SO profound.
Michael: … You think I'm good enough???
Andrew:  Why can't you listen and come to your senses,
It's YOU! We really want YOU!
You'll be a perfect, handsome, brilliant Alex,
I have never been this happy!
Michael:  Or indeed, as wealthy…
Andrew:  Look here's the story:  brilliant reading,
You get to sleep with ALL the women!
No need for endless moralising,
It's true 'love changes everything',
So come on, say you'll take it then!!!!
Michael:  I'd better go and practise.  It's a high pitch…
Andrew:  Try and practise lots and it won't hurt you so much…
Michael:  At least let me sing a b-flat…
Andrew:  Of course I will! I'll even give you more:
One in act one,
Maybe some more in act two.
And then you will make an impression,
That will last you a lifetime.
Michael:  You've changed my life for me again!
 

Lights fade, as fatally, they shake hands and Andrew leads Michael out of the theatre.
 

Scene 10
 

Michael is sitting writing a letter to his friends from the theatre circles back in England, a large ‘Aspects of Love on Broadway’ sign hangs in the back of the stage
 

Michael (To the tune of final scene, Act 1- AOL): News, takes time to reach me here,
So I'm a big star,
Back at home.
And no,
I'm not that famous here,
But I'm getting, quite well known.
Perhaps, one day we'll meet again,
If you ever get to Broadway (chuckles);
(musical interlude)
Fame will never never let you be the SAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

END OF ACT ONE