Title: Smile Please!
Author: Wendy Parkinson
Email: wendyparkinson@hotmail.com
Category: Humour, a little S/J.
Spoilers: Shades of Grey, A Hundred Days, Seth
Season/Sequel info: Tenth in the Danny Lurks series, sequel to trouble@sgc.gov. Set third season, after Shades of Grey.
Rating: PG
Content Warnings: none
Summary: There's a photo in the samandjack shared files that Daniel really doesn't want Sam and Jack to see....
Date: 1st April 2000

Author's notes: I'd like to thank Bruni for the idea concerning the broom cupboard. (You see folks, I do sometimes use those ideas you send me!!)

This is the photo that all the fuss was about!

I'd like to thank DustDevil for drawing it to our attention and scanning it from Xpose magazine.

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters belong to MGM, Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

All feedback and constructive criticism will be greatly appreciated. No flames please.

copyright Wendy Parkinson April 2000

SMILE PLEASE!

Jack O'Neill frowned as he made his way to Daniel Jackson's office. There was something *very* strange going on and he was determined to find out what it was. He'd just spent a very confusing twenty minutes in General Hammond's office trying to explain why he couldn't remember signing a requisition form for exclusive use of a storage room on level 26. Chewing his bottom lip, he shrugged his shoulders and tapped on Daniel's door.

"Come in," shouted the archaeologist.
Jack opened the door and walked in. Daniel and Sam were both in the room, Daniel in front of the computer and Sam studying a rock under a large magnifying glass. "Morning campers," he said. "Very hi-tech, Carter..... why don't you scan it with one of your doohickeys or something?"

Sam turned to him and smiled happily. "It's fascinating, sir. It's totally impervious to all the scans at my disposal. Totally fascinating....." Her voice drifted off as she turned back to the rock.

"Guys, I know you're both busy but..." Jack began, then realised on closer inspection that Daniel was reading list e-mails. "Well, Carter's busy, anyway...."

Daniel glared at him. "What's the problem, Jack?"
Jack knew how weird this was going to sound, so decided to just 'go for it'. "Do either of you know if anyone round here can forge my signature?"
Sam and Daniel stared at him incredulously. "Why?" they said in unison.

Jack shrugged and sat down on the nearest chair. "Hammond's just had me in his office, wanting to know why I've requisitioned sole use of a storage room on level 26. He showed me the note, I'd signed it. The problem is, I didn't sign it. Or at least, I don't remember signing it."

"How strange," said Sam sympathetically.
"Why would someone forge your signature to requisition a storage room? Surely using it to gain access to the weapons locker would make more sense," said Daniel.
"I know," Jack agreed. "It was definitely my handwriting though. Perhaps my memory's going?"
"I don't think so, sir. We'd have noticed," Sam said, smiling encouragingly at him.
"Well, Hammond's given me 24 hours to get to the bottom of it before I have to report to the Doc for *testing* to see if some weird alien has affected my behaviour." He winced at the thought of *testing*.

"Don't worry, sir, we'll find out what's going on!" Sam's attitude was businesslike which Jack found immensely comforting. Perhaps he wasn't going mad.
"I don't remember ever going to that floor. What else is on level 26?" asked Daniel, then he added, "If we can work out what *they* might be after, it might give us a clue who to look for."
"Mainly storage," replied Sam, "you know, it's where Mr. Minimum Whumpability and *friend* hang out in the broom cupboard." She spat out the word *friend* as if it was poisonous.

"Oh my!" said Daniel quietly. Jack and Sam swung round to face him. "You don't think....?" he continued hesitantly.
"His handwriting would be the same," added Sam.
"And the broom cupboard must be a little cramped for two," continued Daniel.
Jack's mouth dropped open. "Are you two suggesting that Mr. Minimum Whumpability forged my signature because he wants a larger apartment, sorry, broom cupboard."
"Storage room," corrected Daniel.
"Whatever," muttered Jack.

They all sat in silence for a moment. Jack was the first to speak. "I'll go and have a little chat with the clones later, I think I need a coffee first. Anyone else?" He received two nods of agreement as he walked over to the coffee machine. As he poured the drinks he reflected that it was quite a relief to come up with a sensible explanation for the signature, though he wasn't sure how General Hammond would react when he told him. As far as Jack knew, the General was oblivious to the presence of the clones.

Jack passed Sam her coffee, then walked over to Daniel and put his down on the desk next to him. He couldn't resist the temptation to peer over Daniel's shoulder at the list mails. There seemed, as usual, to be one heading that appeared far more often than any other. "So what's 'the new piccie' Daniel?" he asked.
"What?!" The archaeologist jumped a mile.
"The new piccie," repeated Jack. "They're certainly finding it very interesting," he added, pointing at the screen.

Sam looked up. "And as it's the samandjack list, it's probably of us. Do you have a copy of it, Daniel?"
"No!" he replied, a little too quickly.
"Daniel, it says in this mail that it's in the shared files." Jack was still reading over his shoulder. "Come on, let's see!"
"It's nothing special, really..... honest... you'll be disappointed...." Daniel was beginning to sweat. They weren't going to like this.
"Dr. Jackson, anyone would think you were trying to avoid showing us," said Sam, taking the mouse from Daniel and finding the shared files.
"That mail said it was called 'samnjack' and was in the SamJack folder," said Jack helpfully.

Daniel began to stand up. "I'll go and have a word with the clones for you, if you like," he muttered.
Jack put his hand on the archaeologist's shoulder and pushed him back down into his chair. "Oh no Danny boy, you're staying right where you are until we find out why you don't want us to see this *piccie*."

"Got it!" announced Sam.
Jack turned back to the computer screen and stared at the photo. "Carter, at the risk of putting my sanity in doubt again, I've got to say that I don't remember having that photo taken."
"I think you're quite sane, sir. I don't remember it either." She paused and peered more closely at the image. "Nor have I seen that outfit I'm wearing before."
"It's very nice though. You should wear skirts more often. You have great legs."
Sam blushed. "Thank you. And you look good in black."
Jack grinned. "I'll have to buy a black sweater. I certainly don't own one that looks like that." He pointed at the screen, then continued, "You know, Sam, I don't think I'm losing my mind, I'm sure I'd remember if you'd ever stood like that next to me."
"Like what?" asked Sam.
"Well, you're holding my hand, your head's on my shoulder. Your expression is...." His voice trailed off, a wistful look on his face.
"And you look so cool," Sam added.
They smiled shyly at each other, then Jack looked at the photo again. "But Daniel looks kind of worried, doesn't he?" he said. They both looked at the archaeologist, who would have preferred to be anywhere else at that precise moment. "Well?" asked Jack, his tone of voice less than friendly.

"It's a long story..."
"Our next mission is scheduled for tomorrow, we have plenty of time," said Sam pleasantly.
"And it wasn't my idea," continued Daniel, glancing nervously between Jack and Sam.
"Get on with it, Daniel!" said Jack impatiently.
"OK..... it was taken just after the you got back from your undercover mission that exposed Makepeace and his buddies."

Sam winced at the memory, the colonel had been unbelievably unpleasant to everyone, pretending he had turned bad. She particularly remembered a hurtful comment he'd made to her in the corridor. Something about not being himself since he'd known her. After he'd got back, he'd explained how he'd had to behave like that to make Maybourne recruit him, but it still hurt that he hadn't trusted her with the truth. Since then, they'd been friends but the promise of things to come that had existed at Christmas had disappeared. He'd hurt her with his relationship with Lara too, but they'd pretty much resolved that issue one afternoon in a bomb shelter on level 17. She smiled to herself. Ness had been great. They probably wouldn't have got talking without her.

Daniel's voice brought her back to reality. "The photo was Feretti's idea. He'd hired a friend of his to take informal pictures of all the SG teams as a surprise for the General's birthday. You two were in the infirmary discussing what had happened on Jack's mission and when I came to fetch you, Janet said you weren't to be disturbed."

He licked his lips nervously.
"Go on," said Jack.
"Janet said you'd probably be a while, and Feretti's friend was in a hurry, so Teal'c had this idea..." He swallowed hard. They really weren't going to like this. "He asked the clones if they'd mind standing in for you."
Jack's mouth dropped open. "So that's Mr. Minimum Whumpability and *friend*?"
"Yeah. The Jack clone was a bit shy to start with, but he soon got into the spirit of things."
The colonel glared at him.

"Has the General seen the photo?" asked Sam.
"Oh yeah, Feretti presented him with an album last week. Apparently his eyebrows went up when he saw the photo of SG1, but he made some comment about you being off duty and what you did on your own time was your business."
"So now General Hammond thinks we're...." Sam couldn't bring herself to finish the sentence.
"And he doesn't mind? It's against regulations!" added Jack.
"Why do you *always* have to bring up the regs?" asked Sam angrily.

Jack smiled sheepishly and shrugged.
Sam turned to Daniel. "So why does Teal'c look so happy and you look so..." She paused, trying to think of a tactful way to put what she wanted to say.
"Miserable? Worried sick? Frightened to death?" suggested Daniel gloomily.
"Yeah," agreed Jack.
"We didn't know how long you two were going to be. I was worried you'd find the clones pretending to be you. All the time we were in there, I couldn't stop watching the door. Apart from the fact that the clones are so sickly sweet and nice to each other it makes me want to...." He shook his head and sighed. "Did you know he calls her Sammy Wammy and she calls him Darling Jack?"
"We do now," mumbled Jack sarcastically, then grinned at Carter and added, "Don't we, Sammy Wammy?"
Sam narrowed her eyes and frowned. "Don't go there, *Darling Jack*!"

"So why is Teal'c so happy?" asked Jack, in an effort to change the subject.
"Oh, he's grinning like that because he'd just told the photographer that Jaffa joke about the dripping nose, which is another explanation for the look on my face."
"I can understand that," said Jack sympathetically.
"I didn't get that joke when he told it to us," said Sam.
"Nor did the photographer," added Daniel.

There was silence for a moment, then Jack exclaimed, "For crying out loud! How am I going to explain all this to Hammond?"
"Did you want me to?" offered Daniel hesitantly. "After all, some of it is kind of my fault...."
"No thanks. I think I prefer to deal with this myself. I'll go see the clones first and find out what they're up to in that broom cupboard."
"Storage room," corrected Sam.
Jack narrowed his eyes and glared at her. "Then I'll go see the General," he finished.
With one last glare aimed at Daniel, Jack left the room.

Much later......

Jack marched into Daniel's office and slumped down into a chair, his face a mask of gloom. Sam and Daniel glanced at each other and raised their eyebrows. "Didn't it go well, sir?" ventured Sam.
"No!" snapped back the colonel.
"What happened?" persisted Daniel.

Jack took a deep breath. "Mr. Minimum Whumpability and friend want a larger room because.." He paused and glanced up at Sam. "...there's a little clone on the way."
"What? You mean...?" Sam didn't finish the question.
"Oh, yeah.... Sammy Wammy's pregnant."
Daniel looked puzzled. "But how?"
"Daniel, you were married for over a year, do you really need diagrams?" The exasperation in Jack's voice was obvious.

Daniel turned a delicate shade of pink. "No, I didn't mean that. What I meant was - I didn't think they'd be able to have a child as they were clones."
"Well, apparently they can," said Jack, his forehead creased into a frown. He sighed. "So then I went to see the general, to make a clean breast of everything."
"And?" asked Sam.
"I told him everything. About the clones wanting a larger room, about them pretending to be us in the photo."
"And?" repeated Sam.
"He didn't believe a word of it. He said it was the best April Fools wind up he'd heard in years. He couldn't stop laughing."

"So what did he say about the requisition," asked Sam.
"I've got to report to the Doc in the morning for *testing*."
"Oh dear," said Daniel sympathetically.
"And the photo?" asked Sam.
"The general said he understood us wanting to keep our relationship a secret and he hopes we'll be very happy together..."


end

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