Title: Twisted
Author: Wendy Parkinson
Email: wendyparkinson@hotmail.com
Category: Humour, a little S/J, S/D (kind of <g>)
Spoilers: Minor mentions of Shades of Grey and Nemesis
Major spoilers for DustDevil's story 'I Forgive You'
Also spoilers for the first few chapters of 'Surrender' by
Vanessa Nichols which can be found at http://www.geocities.com/nessi_anne/surrender/surrender.html
Season/Sequel info: Set season three, after Shades of Grey and
just before Nemesis. Eleventh in the Danny Lurks series, sequel
to 'Smile Please!'
Rating: PG
Content Warnings: none
Summary: Sg1 read a story with an unexpected twist.
Date: 12th May 2000
Author's notes: Quite a few stories get a mention in this one!
Just because I haven't mentioned one of yours doesn't mean I
haven't read it and enjoyed it - it just means it didn't fit the
plot!
So... credit where credit's due -
DustDevil's story 'I Forgive You' which fitted my plot perfectly!
Thanks, Jules. <g>
The TBCs currently being posted to the samandjack list -
DustDevil's story 'When Tomorrow Comes' is currently up to part
29 and Alli Snow's 'Andromeda' series is on instalment 24. Ness
has got to part 23 with 'Surrender'. You're doing a great job,
ladies, keep it up!
The other stories mentioned or referred to (in chronological
order) are - the 'Daniel's Wife' stories by Michelle Birkby
('Daniel's Wife', 'Why Did You Kiss Him?', 'Jack' and 'Going
Home')
'Consequences' by Wendy Parkinson.
'Revenge' by Bruni
'All Good Things' by Vanessa Nichols
All stories can be found on Heliopolis and the S/J Archive (or
should be soon!)
Believe it or not, it's almost a year since the first Danny Lurks
(Fan Fiction) appeared - I'd like to thank everyone on the
samandjack list for their continued encouragement, enthusiasm and
suggestions. I couldn't do it without you. Keep projecting,
folks!
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters belong to MGM, Gekko
Corp and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created
solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no
copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity
to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental.
All feedback and constructive criticism will be greatly
appreciated. No flames please.
copyright Wendy Parkinson May 2000
TWISTED
from: Dr. D. Jackson <djlurk@yahoo.com>
to: the Sam and Jack list <samandjack@egroups.com>
Subject: Introductions
Hi Everyone,
I thought as everyone else was introducing themselves, I'd join
in too....
My name is Daniel but online I usually go by the nickname of
Dr.D. I've been around here a while but I usually lurk. I'd like
to say how much I enjoy all the stories, particularly the ones
that don't involve Daniel getting hurt (I'm kind of attached to
my namesake <g>).
I'm a 34 year old American guy <waves to the other guys on the
list - I know there aren't many of us> and live in Colorado.
I'm an archaeologist and am currently employed by the government
(don't ask..... <g>). My special interests include
Egyptology and learning new languages - so far I'm up to 23!
I've been a Sam and Jack shipper for about three years now, ever
since I saw them on Abydos on their first mission together. They
can be tremendously pigheaded about their feelings but I think
they are beginning to make progress - I was particularly positive
about the way things were going around Christmas time but things
went a little awry for them following the mission to Adora (I
know just how everyone around here felt about that!). I think
they are getting back on track now, at least, I hope they are!
Dr. D.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack the brave held his head high and said,
"I would like the hand of the fair Samantha
in marriage."
from my Stargate Sg1 Fairy Tale
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Daniel!! You *can't* post that!" Sam exclaimed from
over his shoulder.
"Why not? No-one will think it's me."
"You say you're a 34 year old American archaeologist living
in Colorado who just happens to work for the government!"
Sam continued incredulously.
"The truth is stranger than fiction?" suggested Daniel.
"Ness didn't believe me when I made up a cover story."
"You told her that SGC stood for Senate Ghostbusting
Committee! I'm not surprised she didn't believe you." Sam
let out a heartfelt sigh and carried on reading. She gasped.
"And since when have you been a *shipper*?"
"Since I first saw you two together on Abydos." He
peered at the computer screen. "Didn't I make myself clear
in the mail?"
Sam narrowed her eyes and glared at him. She was composing a
suitably cutting remark when they were interrupted by Jack
walking in.
"Morning campers! Any more parts yet, Daniel?"
Sam looked at Daniel curiously. "Parts of what?"
The archaeologist smiled. "The colonel is totally hooked
on.... " He counted on his fingers. "...the 'Andromeda'
series by Alli, 'Surrender' by Ness and 'When Tomorrow Comes' by
DustDevil."
"You're following three TBCs at the same time?" asked
Sam incredulously.
"Yeah! I can do that!" he muttered indignantly, then
added, "And I don't get them confused either! Well, Daniel,
any more parts?"
"Sorry Jack, nothing today. And I was really hoping for the
next instalment of 'Surrender'."
The colonel sighed. "For crying out loud! I can't take much
more of this. Don't these women realise what they're doing to
me?"
"And me," added Daniel sympathetically.
Sam tried to suppress a snigger. Both men swivelled to face her.
"You have a problem with our reading material, Major?"
asked Jack.
"No, sir, it's not that. It's just that it's usually the
list members who discuss what the two of you do to
*them*....." Her voice trailed off as she turned a delicate
shade of beetroot.
Jack and Daniel stared at her, open-mouthed. In an effort to
change the subject, Sam said, "Perhaps you could read
something else? Has anything complete been posted?"
Daniel scrolled down the list. "Yeah, DustDevil's posted
one..."
"She should be working on 'When Tomorrow Comes',"
mumbled Jack, grumpily.
"....called 'I Forgive You'. Shall we have a look at
that?"
"Sounds angsty," said Sam.
The colonel and the major pulled up chairs and they all began to
read. Silence reigned as they became engrossed in the story.
A few minutes later, Jack broke the silence. "So this is
Sam's thoughts about me going back to Sara, right?"
"Could be," said Daniel. "But DustDevil has done a
few 'tales with a twist'."
"So things might not be as they seem?" asked Sam.
"Yeah," agreed Daniel.
They continued reading.
Sam suddenly exclaimed, "Eeeewww!", turned pale and
rushed out the door.
Jack turned to Daniel. "What's the matter with her?"
"Don't know. She reads faster than us, perhaps we'd better
carry on?" He pointed at the computer screen.
"Guess so."
Daniel's eyes widened in horror. "I second that 'eeewww' and
add an 'oh my God!'"
"Hang on, you're ahead of me.... What's this? 'When Sha're
died'? What difference would that make to Sam's feelings for
me?"
"Jack, it's not Sam talking." Daniel looked very
uncomfortable. "It's me."
Jack's voice was almost a whisper. "You?"
"Uh-huh. Let's finish it. Remember it's the samandjack list,
hopefully Sam will end up with you."
Jack turned back to the screen, then hesitated. "Er....
Daniel?"
"Yeah?"
"This story wasn't NC17, was it? I mean, no offence, buddy,
but I really don't want to read about you and Sam doing the wild
thing, if you follow my drift."
Daniel looked extremely doubtful. "Now you come to mention
it, I don't either. I can't remember what rating it was. I guess
we'd better check." He scrolled back to the top of the
story. "No, it says it's a PG. And it doesn't mention
anything about it being a S/D story."
"S/D?" asked the colonel. "No, let me guess,
'seriously deranged'."
"Sam/Daniel," corrected Daniel as he took off his
glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose.
They had just begun reading again when Teal'c walked into the
room. "I have just seen Major Carter. She seemed....."
His brow creased into a slight frown as he tried to find the
right word. "....distressed."
Daniel nodded slowly. "Yeah, Teal'c, she'd been reading this
story. I'm not surprised she's upset. *I'm* upset, it's just
so.... weird." He shuddered.
The jaffa raised an eyebrow and looked over their shoulders at
the computer screen. "Ah," he said knowledgeably.
"This is a story with an element of S/D, is it not? Is that
why both Major Carter and yourself are upset?"
"Yes, and yes," said Jack wearily.
The jaffa frowned again, deep in thought. "But are you not
all reading 'Surrender' by Vanessa Nichols?"
"We are, but Sam isn't. She never reads TBCs," said
Daniel.
"That woman has amazing self-control," muttered Jack to
no-one in particular, staring dreamily into space.
Teal'c ignored him and carried on, "In that story, Major
Carter is married to you, Daniel Jackson."
Daniel sighed. "Yeah, but she's in love with Jack, who's in
love with her but he's having a relationship with Janet, who used
to be involved with Makepeace! I'm surprised you and General
Hammond aren't dating anyone in that story, Teal'c!"
"I do not understand your reasoning, Daniel Jackson."
The archaeologist took a deep breath and tried again.
"OK..... there are so many..." He paused and cleared
his throat. "...*unusual* relationships mentioned in that
story, that somehow me being with Sam didn't seem so bad. I mean,
who would ever believe that Janet and Makepeace would stop
yelling at each other long enough to get together? Even before he
got arrested, they hated each other. And, anyway, so far at
least, the relationships aren't the main point of the story. But
this one... well, it came as kind of a shock... we were expecting
it to be Sam talking about Sara."
"There have been others," suggested Teal'c.
"Other Sam/Daniel stories posted to the samandjack
list?" asked Jack, not really believing what he was hearing.
The jaffa nodded solemnly. "Michelle Birkby did a whole
series based on the idea that in one alternate reality Daniel
Jackson and Major Carter were married."
Jack and Daniel stared at Teal'c in disbelief. "We must have
missed those," said the colonel.
"Oh what a shame," mumbled Daniel sarcastically.
"And Wendy Parkinson wrote one where you and Major Carter
had a sexual relationship," offered Teal'c, warming to his
subject.
"I really didn't want to know that," said Daniel,
turning pale.
"But they do all have happy endings," continued Teal'c.
"Happy for whom?" enquired Jack, his voice dripping
with sarcasm.
"By the end of these stories, Major Carter's relationship
with Daniel Jackson has ended and she has begun a relationship
with you, O'Neill."
"So I get dumped in *all* of them?" Daniel bristled
with indignation.
"What do you expect, Daniel? It is the samandjack
list!" Jack had a certain irritating smugness in his voice.
"I know, but couldn't Sam stay with me and you suffer
terrible unrequited love and go into a decline or something? They
seem to like watching you suffer."
"Go into a decline? What the hell have you been reading?
Victorian bodice rippers?"
"NO!"
The two men glared at each other, fists clenched, eyes blazing.
Teal'c decided to intervene. "I believe *you* dump Major
Carter in both examples I have given, Daniel Jackson," he
offered. It didn't really help much.
"I'd never do that, I'm a nice guy!" protested Daniel.
"You suffer immense psychological trauma as a result,"
added Teal'c, still trying to be helpful.
"And that's supposed to make me feel better?" Daniel
snapped. "It's just another form of whumping, isn't it? Hurt
me mentally, instead of physically...." He stood up and
paced angrily around the room. "I thought these people were
better than that...."
Jack stared at Daniel in disbelief. He glanced across at Teal'c
who raised an eyebrow and shrugged his shoulders. Jack took a
deep breath and tried to calm his friend down. "Look Daniel,
there are over 650 stories on the S/J archive and only a handful
of them even suggest that you and Sam are more than friends. I
really don't think you need to get steamed up about it."
"Steamed up? Steamed up? Who's steamed up?" Daniel's
voice seemed to have risen about an octave. He turned on Jack.
"How would you feel if you found a story, other than
Surrender, that described a relationship between you and
Janet?"
"Oh, don't be ridiculous, no-one would..."
Teal'c began to interrupt, "I believe Heliopolis..."
Jack cut him off before he really got started, "*Don't* go
there, buddy!"
"See what I mean? I rest my case!" Daniel said
triumphantly.
Jack's mouth dropped open but no sound came out.
Sam chose that moment to come back into the room. "Hi
guys," she said faintly.
"Are you OK?" asked Jack.
She nodded. "Yeah, it was just a bit of a shock. I usually
only read stuff from the S/J Archive and I don't have time to
read everything that comes through there. It never occurred to me
that there might be people who...." She glanced nervously
across at Daniel but found she couldn't look him in the face.
"....might pair me with someone else." She sat down
carefully on a nearby chair. "I've just had a chat with
Janet. It turns out that not only are there are stories out there
about me and Daniel, but stories about me and Martouf and there's
even one where I'm involved with Robert Makepeace." She
shuddered. "She seemed to think there was one story where I
married Graham Simmons."
"Ugh," muttered Jack.
"Apparently, he cheated on me and we got divorced."
"Be thankful for small mercies," said the colonel
sympathetically.
Daniel winced. He'd seen S/J stories where he'd ended up with
Janet but nothing graphic. He was grateful for that. Him and
Janet was a weird idea, not as weird as him and Sam, but somehow
it just didn't *feel* right. His musings were interrupted by the
computer's screen saver switching on. The dancing Egyptians
seemed to be mocking him. Frowning, he nudged the mouse and
turned back to his friends. "So, is someone going to read
the rest of this story?"
Everyone looked at everyone else. Sam fished in her pocket.
"Draw straws?" she suggested.
"Are they the same ones...?" began Jack.
"Oh, yeah!" said Sam, smiling sweetly at him. She held
them out. Daniel drew first. He breathed a sigh of relief when he
realised he hadn't lost.
Then Jack reached over. He also drew a long straw. "Your
turn, buddy," he said to Teal'c. The jaffa solemnly took one
of the two remaining straws. It was short. Sam let out a long
breath she didn't realise she'd been holding. Teal'c sat down at
the computer and began to read.
Daniel beckoned Sam and Jack over to the doorway. "I think
we need a plan," he said.
"A plan?" The colonel was baffled.
"Yeah, we need to stop these.... *other pairings*."
"And how do propose to do that? Flame everyone who writes
one?" asked Sam.
"No, we can't do that! It's not polite."
"And writing stories where Sam's involved with Graham
Simmons is?" muttered Jack.
"What I was thinking was.... how about if you two get a
little shippier on our next mission?"
"Shippier?" Sam and Jack said together.
"Yeah, do something that will convince *everyone* that
you're made for each other."
Sam and Jack looked at each other doubtfully. "Such
as?" asked the major.
"Oh, I don't know.... perhaps you could kiss?"
Jack considered this for a moment then shook his head. "No,
Danny, I think that contravenes regs."
"Him and the damned regs..." muttered Sam under her
breath.
They lapsed into silence for a moment, then Daniel said, "I
know! You could ask Sam to go on vacation with you!"
Sam and Jack exchanged glances. Sam nodded approvingly.
"Yes, I think that could work, sir. What do you think?"
"Yeah, we'll have to think about where we want to go. How
about fishing in Minnesota, major?"
"Sounds good, sir!"
Teal'c cleared his throat ostentatiously. "I have finished
DustDevil's story."
"And?" asked Daniel.
"Major Carter begins a relationship with O'Neill and, yet
again, you suffer immense psychological trauma."
"Oh joy!"
"But there is a positive side to it, Daniel Jackson."
"There is?"
The jaffa smiled encouragingly. "This time *she* dumps
*you*."