Title: The Cloning Machine
Author: Wendy Parkinson
Email: wendyparkinson@hotmail.com
Category: humour
Spoilers: none
Season/Sequel info: none
Rating: PG13
Content Warnings: a little mild swearing
Summary: SG1 find out about the cloning machine..
Date: 21/6/99
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters belong to MGM, Gekko
Corp and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created
solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no
copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity
to real persons, living or dead , is coincidental.
All feedback and constructive criticism will be greatly
appreciated. No flames please.
Author's notes: Remember my other story "Fan Fiction"
where we found out that our heroes were reading stuff off Ness'
archive and Daniel lurked on the samandjack mailing list? Well,
Siobhan creating the Stargate SG1 Cloning Machine was just too
good an opportunity to pass up.............<g>
For the uninitiated, the cloning machine can be found at
http://www.attcanada.net/~siobhan/clone_order.html
"the brightest crayon in the box" used shamelessly
without permission.......
copyright Wendy Parkinson June 1999
THE CLONING MACHINE
Deep inside Cheyenne Mountain............
"Oh shit!"
Sam looked round at the frustrated archaeologist.
"Daniel!"
"Yeah, Dr. Jackson, language!" added Jack.
"Sorry. It's just that she still hasn't got to
the....." He hesitated, as he realised what he was about to
say.
"Got to what, Daniel Jackson?" asked Teal'c curiously,
his head tipped on one side.
Looking uncomfortable, Daniel finished his sentence.
".....sex."
Sam shook her head. "Sometimes I don't know why you're on
that mailing list. You hate 'to be continued' stories. Why don't
you just visit the archive?"
"I like the discussions."
"That's one word for them....."
"Yeah, it's all right for you Daniel." The colonel
frowned. "It's not you being discussed. They've had debates
about every conceivable part of my anatomy. I'm even embarrassed
to roll my sleeves up now."
"OK, OK, you've made your point. Just let me finish reading
today's posts, will you?"
The rest of SG1 went back to their paperwork. Jack let out a deep
sigh.
"Danny, how come you're not writing a report for
Maybourne?"
"I've done it."
Sam looked up. "You can't have. You haven't had time."
"Well...." Daniel appeared slightly embarrassed.
"I used an old one and changed the title."
"What?"
The archaeologist shrugged. "The last couple of times
Maybourne has asked for reports he's either not read mine or
couldn't understand it. When I've tried to discuss it with him he
hasn't got a clue what I'm talking about so I figured he wouldn't
notice if he saw the same one twice. After all, he's not the
brightest crayon in the box!"
"Daniel!" Sam's tone was reproachful.
Jack looked wistful. "I guess he'd notice if I tried
that?"
Sam nodded.
They carried on working in silence. Then Daniel muttered,
"Now this looks good...."
"What?"
"Siobhan has posted an interesting link."
Jack frowned. "Who's Siobhan?"
"The list MP."
"MP? As in Military Police or Member of Parliament?"
asked Sam.
"Wrong on both counts. It stands for Miss Parker. You know,
from the TV show The Pretender."
"Now there's a woman with great people skills..." said
Jack, staring dreamily into space.
"I'll just go to the site...... Hey guys look at this!"
Sam, Jack and Teal'c gathered round Daniel as he sat at the
computer.
"Stargate SG1 Cloning Machine?"
"Neat!"
"What is a cloning machine?"
Daniel peered more closely at the screen.
"I'd have preferred a photo when I wasn't wearing those
awful striped pants."
Sam leant over his shoulder.
"You can't see them."
"I know they're there," he added gloomily.
"So what do we do?"
"I guess we pick from the list. There's a choice of the four
of us and Janet."
"You're our commanding officer, Sir. I think you should go
first."
"OK," said the Colonel doubtfully. "Select 'Jack'
would you, Daniel?" As the screen moved on to the next page,
he continued, "So if we fill this in, we'll be sent an exact
copy of one of us, to our specifications?"
"Looks like it, Sir."
"Yeah, Jack. Think of it. No more attending those boring
formal receptions, you could send the clone instead and no-one
will notice the difference."
A form had appeared and Jack noticed Daniel already making
selections from the on screen options.
"Hang on a minute! Don't I get a say in this? The clone is
supposed to be a copy of me."
"It's all right, Jack. The first couple of questions are
just a formality. Now down to business. Hair colour?"
"Brown," replied Jack firmly. The others swivelled to
look at him, their eyes drawn to his greying hair.
"Brown?" queried Daniel.
"Yeah, brown. It's always been brown."
Sam raised her eyebrows. "Then I guess you'd better put
brown, Daniel."
"Right Jack, the next few need an answer on a scale of one
to ten. The first is sarcasm. One is not sarcastic, ten is very
sarcastic."
"One. Definitely one. I'm not sarcastic."
Sam and Daniel exchanged worried looks. Daniel turned back to the
screen. "One it is. Next question. Whumpability."
"Whumpability? What the hell is whumpability?"
Daniel answered him. "Painful. Make that a one. You wouldn't
want to inflict whumpability on your worst enemy, never mind a
clone of yourself. Trust me on this, Jack, you'll regret anything
else."
"OK."
"Next question. Sensitivity. On a scale of one to ten, how
sensitive are you?"
"Ten."
Teal'c raised an eyebrow. "Ten, O'Neill?"
"Yeah, I'm in touch with my sensitive side."
Sam let out a breath. "OK, last question. Patience?"
"Ten."
Daniel turned to face him. "Jack, this clone is supposed to
be like you."
"It is, just send the order, will you. How long do you think
it will take?"
"And he thinks he's a ten on the patience scale......"
mumbled Sam.
"So we've got a brown-haired clone with minimum sarcasm and
whumpability and maximum sensitivity and patience. You want the
order sent like that, Jack?"
"Yeah, send it! This is great, isn't it? An exact copy of
me. When it arrives it can take over for a while and I can go on
vacation. Do you think anyone will notice the difference?"