Title: The Sharing of Charlie
Kawalsky
Author: Wendy Parkinson
Email: wendyparkinson@hotmail.com
Category: Humour
Spoilers: Point of View (this must be some kind of record - I
haven't seen the episode yet!)
Season/Sequel info: after Point of View, season three
Rating: PG
Content Warnings: None
Summary: Kawalsky arrives at the SGC
Date: 7/8/99
Author's notes: This story is the third in what I have come to
think of as my 'Danny lurks' series (after Fan Fiction and the
Cloning Machine). It's just as silly as the others - you have
been warned!
I'd like to thank Siobhan for making sure I'd got my facts
straight concerning Point of View.
Dedication: For Sonya - hope this goes some way towards cheering
you up!
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters belong to MGM, Gekko
Corp and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created
solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no
copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity
to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental.
All feedback and constructive criticism will be greatly
appreciated. No flames please.
copyright Wendy Parkinson August 1999
THE SHARING OF CHARLIE KAWALSKY
"Sir, General Hammond asked me to tell you he's been
detained. He'll be with you as soon as he's free."
"Thank you, airman," replied Jack.
The young man snapped a salute, turned and left the conference
room. Jack puffed out his cheeks and let out a deep breath. He
looked round the table at his colleagues. Sam was studying her
fingernails, Teal'c was gazing impassively into space and Daniel
was reading, engrossed in a pile of papers.
"OK, Danny, I think you should share the papers out, then
we'll all have something to read."
Daniel's head jerked up.
"Um, actually Jack, it's the latest stuff from the mailing
list. I don't think you'd really be interested."
Jack's eyes narrowed. "Daniel, it's the samandjack list,
remember? I'm Jack, or had you forgotten?"
"Yes, Daniel, and I'm Sam," added Major Carter, smiling
sweetly.
"I really don't think......"
"DANIEL!"
"OK, but you're probably not going to like it." Daniel
took a deep breath. "They've got very excited about our last
mission. The one to the alternate reality." He paused and
looked from Jack to Sam and back again.
"Go on," said Sam, who was beginning to get a bad
feeling about where this was heading.
"Well, now they say that they're no longer just projecting
because it's obvious you two are going to get together."
"What?!"
"Daniel, it was an alternate reality, it wasn't us."
"But you were married."
"I was dead!"
"But you kissed the AU!Sam. That's what they're really happy
about."
"Wish I was," muttered Sam under her breath.
"But she kissed me....."
"Hmmm."
"Wow, Sam, that sounded just like Marge Simpson."
Jack was getting exasperated. "Daniel, get back to the
point."
"They've even got your wedding photo in the shared files.
They expect you two to 'wake up and smell the roses' sometime
soon."
"They'll have a long wait," said Jack emphatically.
"It'd be against regs."
"He *always* says that......" mumbled Sam, raising her
eyes to the ceiling.
They were interrupted by Dr. Frasier entering the room.
"Colonel, we have a problem. A man claiming to be Major
Charles Kawalsky arrived a short while ago at the gate upstairs.
He's requesting asylum."
"Doctor, last time I checked, Charlie Kawalsky was
dead."
"I know, sir. But I've done a full examination and he
appears to be Major Kawalsky. Could he be from an alternate
reality?"
"It's possible," answered Sam.
Daniel looked puzzled. "Janet, why does he want
asylum?"
"Now that I'm not clear about. He keeps mumbling about a
list, a mascot and projectors. I can't make sense of it. He has
obviously suffered a major trauma."
"OH MY GOD!" shouted Daniel, as he jumped up and ran
out of the room.
The rest of SG1 glanced at each other, then raced after their
archaeologist. When they arrived at the infirmary they found
Kawalsky sitting huddled on a bed. He looked scared to death. He
shook, he twitched, his eyes darted nervously around the room.
"Now, Daniel. Explanation please?" gasped Jack, as he
tried to get his breath back.
Before Daniel had a chance to answer, Kawalsky grabbed O'Neill's
sleeve. "You'll protect me won't you, Jack? You won't let
them get me, will you?"
Jackson glanced at the Colonel, who nodded imperceptibly, then
spoke gently to Kawalsky. "It's the mailing list, isn't it?
The samandjack list?"
Kawalsky nodded. "I've had a terrible week. I just want to
go back to Siobhan's but some of them are waiting for me outside.
They won't leave me alone. Please make them go away." He
sounded desperate.
"Charlie, you're special forces trained. What can they
possibly do to you?"
Kawalsky shook his head, unwilling to elaborate. Janet took
charge. "Major, why don't you tell us what happened,
starting at the beginning?"
"Well," began Kawalsky hesitantly, "Siobhan asked
me if I'd go and see Sonya. She was in hospital and needed
cheering up. She said I'd enjoy it. A long weekend in Dublin. So
I said yes. What Siobhan hadn't mentioned was that I had to stay
in the hospital with Sonya."
"What's so bad about that?" asked Sam.
"I spent five days under her bed. She was frightened the
nurses would find me and take me away."
Jack tried very hard to suppress a smile. "Charlie, we've
hidden out in far worse places over the years."
"Yeah, at least it was clean. And Sonya was really nice even
though she didn't feel very well."
"I really don't think that warrants you asking for asylum,
Charlie."
"I haven't finished yet. In fact, I've only just
started." Kawalsky took a deep breath and carried on.
"After Dublin, I got sent to California." He paused.
"To Lola's."
"Oh dear," mumbled Daniel.
"She's got an enormous golden crowbar that she swings around
her head. It's like something from a martial arts movie."
Jack winced. Teal'c raised an eyebrow and tipped his head on one
side. "This Lola sounds a formidable woman. Perhaps you
could introduce me?"
"Teal'c!" Jack frowned at the Jaffa. "What did she
want?"
"She kept trying to persuade me to become the list mascot.
She was a little vague about what exactly that would entail so
I.... er..... declined."
"You mean you ran away?"
Kawalsky managed a weak smile. "You know me too well, Jack.
Anyhow, the next thing I know, Caroline has caught up with me and
is questioning me about crayons."
"Crayons?"
"Yeah, she kept asking me which was brightest. No matter
what colour I said, she said I was wrong. I guess it must be some
new mind control technique to wear down your resistance."
"New one on me," agreed Jack. "Sounds nasty,
though."
Sam turned to Kawalsky. "So what next?"
"England. To see Michelle and Wendy."
"And?"
"They were relentless, obsessive, they never give up."
He shook his head sadly. "They wanted to know every tiny
detail of your last mission. It was awful. They questioned me for
ten hours straight. When I managed to escape, I caught the first
plane back here. I knew you'd protect me, Jack."
"These people are....." Jack hesitated, shaking his
head in disbelief as he searched for the right word,
".....unbelievable."
"So where are you supposed to go next?" asked Sam.
"Shipperchick's. Apparently Shipper has promised to stay on
topic and snip her mails."
Daniel shook his head. "It'll never happen. The ruffled
duck's been too busy trying on stilettos lately. I think you're
safe on that score, Major."
"Stilettos? Ruffled duck? What on earth are you talking
about, Daniel?" asked Jack, pinching the bridge of his nose
with his fingers. He had the definite feeling he was beginning to
lose the plot.
"Long story, Jack. I'll explain later."
O'Neill opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted by
Kawalsky.
"There are 148 people on that list and they all want a piece
of me, you've got to help," he begged, as he looked
pleadingly around the room. They all turned expectantly to the
Colonel, waiting for him to come up with a plan.
"You say there are some of them waiting outside?" asked
Jack. Kawalsky nodded. "Well, in that case, we need a
diversion so we can get you out of here. Any ideas, kids?"
"I know!" said Daniel excitedly, pushing his glasses up
his nose. "Siobhan's updated the cloning machine. You can
get Kawalsky clones now. We'll get one and send it outside."
"Do you remember what happened when we sent for that clone
of me?" Jack asked. "It had only been here five minutes
when someone asked it the way to the locker room. It was so
frightened it went and hid in the broom cupboard and hasn't come
out since."
"Perhaps I set the whumpability a little low on that
one?" suggested Daniel apologetically.
"You think?"
While they were arguing, Sam switched on the computer and found
the cloning machine. She selected Kawalsky. "Sir, there
aren't any options on this, we'll get an exact copy of the
Major."
"Well, it just might work. Order one, will you,
Carter."
much later.......
"Have they gone, Jack?"
"Yeah, they mistook that clone for you and left with
it."
"Well, I'll be on my way, then. Thanks for everything,
guys." On his way out of the door, Kawalsky paused and
turned to Sam and Jack. He smiled. "Did I ever tell you that
you two look good together?"