Title: You Know Me and Computers
Author: Wendy Parkinson (with a special guest appearance by Vanessa Nichols)
Email: wendyparkinson@hotmail.com
Category: Humour
Spoilers: none
Season/Sequel info: Set third season, after Past and Present. Sixth in the Danny Lurks series, sequel to Feedback
Rating: PG
Content Warnings: none
Summary: For Jack, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing...
Date: 19/11/99

Author's Notes: I'd like to dedicate this story to Martin and his friend, to mark a wind-up well executed, with a note to the effect that if you *ever* do anything like that again, I'll come after you..... <g>

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters belong to MGM, Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

All feedback and constructive criticism will be greatly appreciated. No flames please.

copyright Wendy Parkinson November 1999

YOU KNOW ME AND COMPUTERS

Doctor Daniel Jackson took a sip of his coffee and stared mournfully at the computer screen. He really had got to reply to Ness. It wouldn't be polite not to. And anyway he liked the idea of making new friends, particularly in Australia. He didn't know anyone in Australia. Perhaps if he read her last e-mail again.

Date: Wed, 27 Oct, 1999
To: "Dr. D. Jackson"
From: sjarchive@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: New: A Stargate SG1 Fairy Tale

Hey Dr D,

>> First, congrat's on a great story--really loved it. :>

> Thanks very much!

You're quite welcome. :>

>> The conversation's
>> between Sam and Jack had me LOL'ing--never thought of Jack being
>> the "polite" knight before. :> :> :>

> Actually, neither had I.

Kind of a unusual circumstance, one must admit. :>

>> Anyway, just wanted to ask your permission to archive the story at

> I'd be honoured for it to be included. Archive away!

Thanks Dr D. :>

> Could you attach the standard disclaimer, please? Thank you.

Sure thing. :>

> Thank you for the feedback. It was unexpected and most welcome.

Well, I always send what's deserved. :>

> At this stage, I'm not sure if there will be a 'next story'.

That would be a shame, I hope you change your mind. :> If you ever
need any beta'ing help, I'd be more than happy to help. :>

>> PS. Nice name :>

> Well, I'm kind of used to it......

Hmm...

>> though I am curious, how'd you get your email account to read
>> "@sgc.gov"?

> That would be classified.

*Really*? Might I ask what kind of work you do?

Ness.

He chewed his bottom lip. It was that last part of the mail that was the problem. Did she suspect who he was? She was certainly asking some pointed questions. There was nothing else for it, he was going to have to make up some kind of cover story. Pushing his glasses back up his nose, he began to type.

Date: Mon 15th Nov, 1999
To: sjarchive@yahoo.com
From: "Dr. D. Jackson" djlurk@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: New: A Stargate SG1 Fairy Tale

Hi Ness,

I would like to apologise for taking so long to answer your e-mail but I've been out of the country. Also, I would like to draw your attention to my new e-mail address. I considered that it would be more discreet if I didn't use my office address for personal stuff. I'm sure you understand.

>> At this stage, I'm not sure if there will be a 'next story'.

>That would be a shame, I hope you change your mind. :> If you ever
need any beta'ing help, I'd be more than happy to help. :>

Thank you. I'll bear that in mind.

>>> PS. Nice name :>

>> Well, I'm kind of used to it......

>Hmm...

Not you as well? You know I'm always getting mistaken for 'him'. It can get quite annoying.


>> though I am curious, how'd you get your email account to read
>> "@sgc.gov"?

>> That would be classified.

>*Really*? Might I ask what kind of work you do?

Well, I travel a lot on behalf of a particularly paranoid branch of the government. SGC actually stands for 'Senate Ghostbusting Committee'. Obviously, I'm not supposed to talk about it.

Regards
Dr.D

He let out a long breath and hit the send button. That would have to do. Settling down to read his other e-mail, he was distracted by Sam walking into the room. "Hi, Daniel. I've got those files you wanted."
Taking the proffered files, he said, "Thanks, Sam. I can finish that report now."
"Have you any idea where the Colonel is? I think the General is looking for him."
"Well, last time I saw him, he was in the lab, working on the computer."
"The Colonel isn't usually very fond of computers," Sam said diplomatically, making Daniel smile.
"Oh he is now. I've been teaching him."
"Is he a quick study?" asked Sam mischievously.
"Now, do you really expect me to answer that?" asked Daniel, as he turned back to the screen.

Sam leaned over Daniel's shoulder as he sat reading. "Is that the latest from the list?"
"Yeah! I was going to tell you about this! You wouldn't believe what they've been discussing!" Daniel smirked.
"Judging by the expression on your face, this has got to be good. Come on, Doctor Jackson, spill!"
Daniel's grin got wider. "They've had a briefs v boxers debate!"
"Briefs v boxers? About the Colonel?" Sam's eyes widened in disbelief.
"Yeah!" Daniel looked at the ceiling as if struggling to remember. "An in depth discussion.... in the gutter.... and beyond!"

Sam felt her face getting hot at the thought of her commanding officer in his underwear. "So.... what conclusion did they come to?"
"The majority went for briefs, though one or two fancied him in boxers."
"Me too," mumbled Sam, not realising she'd spoken out loud. Daniel raised his eyebrows and looked at her, trying hard to stifle a smile. "Well then," she continued, managing to recover a little equilibrium, "were they right?"
Daniel was incredulous. "Why are you asking me?"
"You must have seen him getting changed in the locker room. Briefs or boxers?" she asked conspiratorially. They were so wrapped up in their conversation they didn't notice Jack walk into the room behind them.
"Sam! I have no idea. I don't go round looking at other men's underwear!" Daniel thought he heard a noise, glanced round and saw the Colonel standing in the doorway. Jack raised his finger to his lips, gesturing Daniel to keep quiet about his presence. Smiling mischievously to himself, the archaeologist continued, "If you're so interested, why don't you ask Jack?"

Sam found herself blushing again. She'd been doing a lot of that lately. "I couldn't. Just picture it.... excuse me, sir, but do you wear briefs or boxers? It'd probably class as insubordination. He could have me up on charges."
"I doubt if he'd do that," replied Daniel. "Anyway, if you started with 'permission to speak freely, sir' wouldn't that make it all right?"
"I still couldn't do it. I'd die of embarrassment."

"Sam, you want to know. I think you should just go for it. You never know, he might offer to show them to you..." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.
"Daniel!!" Sam slapped him on the arm. "Don't say things like that!"
He risked a glance over his shoulder at Jack, who had his hand stuffed in his mouth in a monumental effort to stop himself laughing. Daniel was enjoying this. He carried on. "Or you could ask Janet. She's seen all of us in our underwear."
"She won't tell me.... er, I mean, she *wouldn't* tell me. Doctor patient confidentiality."
"Then there's only one thing for it, if you want to know, you're going to have to ask Jack, aren't you?"

"Ask Jack what?" came a voice from the doorway. Sam jumped a mile.
"Ah.. well.... um..." she floundered.
"It's all right, Major, I've been listening for a while. I understand you have a burning desire to know if I wear briefs or boxers?"
"I wouldn't say *burning*," she muttered.
"Tell you what. I'll answer your question if you tell me why you have photos of me on the desktop of your computer."
Sam blushed to the roots of her hair. She'd been hoping he'd forgotten about that.

There was an uneasy silence as Sam and Jack glared at each other. Daniel looked from the Colonel to the Major and back again. Suddenly, Sam seemed to come to her senses and said, her voice high and nervous, "Well, sir, perhaps there are some things best kept secret. I've got to go, I've got work to do. I'll be in the lab if anyone wants me." With that, still a delicate shade of crimson, she turned on her heel and fled from the room.

His eyes still on the empty doorway, Jack said quietly, "I'm glad she's gone. I wanted to ask a favour, Daniel."
The archaeologist was puzzled. What could Jack want from him? The Colonel fished in his pocket and held out a floppy disk. "Could you send this to the list for me, please?"
Daniel gingerly took the disk from Jack, held it very carefully between his thumb and forefinger and stared at it like it was an unexploded bomb. "What's on it?" he asked, not looking forward to the possible answer.
"I wrote a story for that NC17 Challenge," mumbled Jack, as he shuffled his feet nervously and looked at the floor. "I don't suppose you'd have time to beta it for me before you send it, would you?" he added sheepishly.

"OK," said Daniel doubtfully. "Does Sam know about this?"
"No. And she won't find out either. When I finished it, I made sure I put the story on this disk. So it won't be on the computer any more."
Daniel found the phrase, 'you know me and computers' running round and round his brain as he tried to phrase his next question. "So you moved the file from the hard drive to the floppy disk?"
"From C to A. Yes." Jack looked thoroughly proud of himself. "I used that drag and drop thing you showed me."
Daniel's heart began to sink. "With the shift key held down, right?"
Jack frowned. "Which is the shift key?"
"Oh Jack! If you don't hold down the shift key, what you did will *copy* a file onto the other drive, not move it."

O'Neill's eyes opened wide in shock. "You mean to say there's still a copy of it on the lab computer?" Daniel nodded. "And that's where Sam just went?" Daniel nodded again. "I'm a dead man," he said, as all the colour drained from his face.

When Daniel and Jack reached the lab they found Sam sitting at the computer. She swung round when they entered the room. Daniel noticed a steely glint in her eye as she turned to face them. "Colonel O'Neill! Just the man I wanted to see."
"Really?" said Jack nervously, as he wondered if it would be possible to bluff this out.
Sam stood up and continued, "You see I've found something on this computer.... something that shouldn't be there..."
"If this is about Teal'c installing Tomb Raider, he did ask my permission. I didn't think it'd be a problem."
Major Carter opened her mouth, then closed it again, momentarily deflected from her subject. "No, I'm not talking about that. I didn't know there were any games on there." She gave the computer a distasteful glance, then cleared her throat. "What I'm talking about is the file I just found on C drive. The file I've just deleted. The one called Jacksex. Ring any bells, sir?"

"Why would you think it was mine?" he asked, trying and failing to look innocent. "Apart from the title, of course," he added.
"Well now," Sam began counting on her fingers, "it's a story for the NC17 Challenge on the list, which *you* expressed an interest in responding to. Secondly, in the story, the author describes my mole accurately and only members of SG1 know where that is."
"P3X595!" interrupted Daniel.
"Yes," said Sam, shooting him a filthy look. "And Daniel and Teal'c wouldn't *dream* of writing something like that!"
"Thanks," mumbled Daniel, then added doubtfully, "...I think....."
"It still could have been someone else," protested Jack.
"And *thirdly*, you're the only person I know who spells 'satisfy' with two 't's!"

Jack knew he was beaten. Now was the time to own up and face the music like a man. He took a deep breath. "OK, it was me. It's my story. I'm sorry, I should have asked you if you minded."
He looked mortified, like a small boy with his hand caught in the cookie jar. Sam pursed her lips and glared at him. Jack attempted to smile placatingly. Sam wasn't impressed. "It's no good trying that cute little boy with the adorable brown eyes routine on me."
"What?"
"It won't wash. Not this time!"
"When did it?" Jack was getting confused.
Ignoring his comment, Sam carried on. "What were you thinking?"
"Well...."
"No, on second thoughts, don't answer that! I don't want to know what lurks in the perverted recesses of your twisted little mind!"
"Sam, please..."
"I don't know how you could write something like that about us.... I'll never be able to look at a DHD in the same way again..... or the ramp..... and the third time? I don't think that's physically possible!"
"It isn't?" asked Jack.
"NO!!"
"Shame."

She took a couple of deep breaths to steady herself, then asked, "Do you have any more copies of it?"
"Just that one," replied Jack, gesturing towards the floppy Daniel was still holding.
"I haven't read it," the younger man said hurriedly, as Sam took the disk from him and put it in her pocket.
"Now get out of my sight!" she spat at the Colonel.

Jack opened his mouth to say something, hesitated, then mumbled, "Sorry," and left the room. Daniel turned to Sam and was amazed to see her face split by a beaming grin.
He looked at her curiously for a moment, then asked, "You enjoyed that, didn't you?"
"Oh yeah! It's not often you get a valid reason to bawl out your commanding officer. It felt real good, Daniel."
Shaking his head in disbelief, Daniel smiled. "So... are you going to wipe that disk? You know, before it gets into the wrong hands."
"No way. I'm keeping it."

Daniel was now totally baffled. He thought she was furious about the story. Taking in his puzzled expression, Sam explained, "Daniel, this..." She patted her pocket. "...is quite simply the most erotic thing I have ever read. But don't you dare tell him I said so...."

wendyparkinson@hotmail.com

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