Title: 'Twas the Night Before Christmas
Author: Wendy Parkinson
Email: wendyparkinson@hotmail.com
Category: Humour, Challenge Response (Christmas Challenge and Handcuff Challenge)
Spoilers: minor spoiler for Point of View
Season/Sequel info: Third Season, after Past and Present. Seventh in the Danny Lurks series, sequel to 'You know me and computers'
Rating: PG
Content Warnings: none
Summary: SG1 are spending Christmas at Daniel's place
Date: 11th December 1999

Author's notes: This is my response to the Christmas Challenge. If you remember, the idea was to write a story that involved a Christmas tree, a Sam and Jack kiss and another challenge from the list (preferably one that hadn't been answered before). For this, I chose the Handcuff Challenge. At this point, I feel I ought to apologise to Jacquie, who set the challenge, for not only *not* making the story NC17 but for not answering the challenge in the spirit it was intended. Sorry! (BTW, Jacquie's challenge was to write a story using the following phrase - "He wasn't going to lose it over a few chains, he told himself firmly; why, handcuffs could be taken in a whole different context sometimes.").

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the story and I'd like to take this opportunity to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy and Peaceful New Year!

Wendy

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters belong to MGM, Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

All feedback and constructive criticism will be greatly appreciated. No flames please.

copyright Wendy Parkinson December 1999

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

"Oh, that's it!" murmured Doctor Daniel Jackson with relief. It was Christmas Eve and he had just about given up on finding an Internet card he liked for Ness. He began to fill in the on-line form.

To: Ness
From: Dr D.
Message: I'd like to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I'd also like to thank you for all the great work you do with the archive and all the encouragement you have shown me.
regards
Dr D.
Ps Considering it's summer where you are I thought the surfing Santa was appropriate!

He had just hit 'send' when there was a knock at the door. He smiled. That would be Sam, Jack and Teal'c..... and his Christmas tree. SG1 had decided to spend Christmas together again. Last year, they'd spent the holiday at Jack's, this year it was his turn to be host and the rest of the team had promised to provide the tree.

Daniel opened the door and was surprised to be confronted by an unbroken wall of pine needles. The Christmas tree was completely blocking the doorway. "For crying out loud, Daniel. Will you give us a hand with this thing?" said a familiar but disembodied voice.
"Are you sure it'll fit through the door?" asked Daniel doubtfully.
"No problem! These things are really flexible. You grab the bottom and we'll tip it on its side."

Daniel bent down and tugged at the trunk. The muscles in his arms and back protested as he lifted it off the ground and began to pull it towards him into the apartment. After what felt like an eternity of pushing and pulling, the tree was in the room and Teal'c was heaving it upright. Daniel stepped back and took a proper look. The tree was huge. It was easily seven feet tall and six feet across. Where on earth were they going to put it? The small bag of decorations he'd bought just weren't going to be enough. And the plant pot he'd found was much too small as well. He let out a long breath and turned to Jack. "Why did you buy such a big tree?"
"O'Neill said that 'size matters' Daniel Jackson," offered Teal'c solemnly.
"Personally, I've always believed it's what you do with what you've got that's important," said Sam to no-one in particular. All three men swivelled to face her. She smiled apologetically and shrugged.

Daniel frowned. "If I didn't think it would take all the *rest* of the paint off the door frame, I'd tell you to take it back out again. Where on earth can we put it?"
Jack slapped him on the back. "No problem, Danny boy. We just need to move some of your furniture. And we'll need something like a bucket to stand it in."
As he went through into the kitchen to see what he could find, Daniel realised his hands felt horribly sticky. "That thing better not be dripping sap on the carpet!" he yelled through the open doorway.
"No, it's not dripping. The stuff's just on our hands," replied Sam. "It smells nice, though."

Twenty minutes later, the tree stood proudly in the corner of the rearranged room and SG1 had sat down for a well-earned break. Daniel looked at the tree and frowned. "Jack, I'm not happy about you using a three thousand year old artefact to wedge that thing in the bucket."
"It's a rock, Dr. Jackson," said Jack emphatically.
"Now Daniel, even I have to agree with the colonel on this," said Sam, "It's a rock!" Jack turned to her in surprise and smiled. It wasn't often she agreed with him. She smiled back.
"It was used for grinding corn in Ancient Britain," protested the archaeologist.
"And now it's being used in our Christmas celebrations," added Jack.
"Yeah, it has a ceremonial purpose now, Daniel," agreed Sam.
"Which makes it more valuable than if it was just used for grinding corn," finished the colonel.
Daniel raised his hands in submission. "I give in! But it better not be damaged....." He sighed. "I think the coffee should be done now." He got up and went into the kitchen to get the drinks.

"So how are things between you and Mr. Minimum Whumpability?" asked Jack, as they sat waiting for their coffee.
Sam's head dropped. Staring at the floor, she replied, "It's over."
"I'm sorry to hear that." To Sam's surprise, Jack seemed genuinely concerned. "What happened?"
She looked up at Daniel as he came back and passed her a mug. Sam smiled grimly. "It's simple. He left me for another woman."
"Who?" chorused all three men in total unison.

Sam let out a heartfelt sigh and began to explain. "A few days ago a Sam clone arrived. She seduced my Jack with her charms. She was a maximum aggressiveness and femininity clone, you see. I didn't stand a chance. I couldn't compete with that." She sighed again.
"Oh. I'm sorry Sam," said Daniel sympathetically.
"It is most unfortunate, Major Carter."
"So that's...." muttered Jack under his breath
Glancing curiously at Jack, Daniel asked, "Do you know where the clone came from?"
Teal'c frowned. "The Cloning Machine, Daniel Jackson."
Daniel shook his head in exasperation. "No, Teal'c. I know that. What I meant was - does Sam know who ordered her?"
"No idea. I've been wondering that myself."

Daniel noticed that Jack's eyes were darting nervously around the room. The colonel licked his lips. Sam turned to him. "You're very quiet, sir. Do you know anything about the clone?"
"Me? No. Of course not! Why should I? Clones, no! Never. Definitely not!!"
Sam watched him curiously. What was the matter with the colonel? He seemed to be twitching. Perhaps he needed a vacation. "I think someone must have ordered the clone for themselves only to find out that she preferred 'my Jack' to them." She sighed again. "Wish I knew who it was."
The Colonel said, "Perhaps 'your Jack' sent for the clone. Did you think of that?"
Sam nodded wearily. "I wouldn't put it past Mr Minimum Whumpability."
"Now, Carter, you told me not to call him that!" Jack wagged his finger sternly at the major.
"After what he's done to me, I'll call him what the hell I like! I'm going to get the rest of the stuff out the car." She stood up quickly, span on her heel and left the room. The three men watched her go.
"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," quoted Daniel. He turned to Jack. "And don't bother playing innocent with me. I saw the Amtrak delivery note in your office. You ordered the clone, didn't you?"

Jack's mouth opened and closed a couple of times in shock, then he shrugged. "How was I supposed to know she'd run off with Mr. Minimum Whumpability after two days? Until just now, I didn't even know where she'd gone. They're probably living happily ever after in that damned broom cupboard!" He let out a long breath. "She said she was leaving me for a man with sensitivity and patience. She never mentioned the fact that he was a clone. It's kind of bruising to the ego, you know."
"Not half as bruising as Sam could be if she finds out what you did."
"Well, I'm not going to tell her."
"Not going to tell me what?" asked Sam, as she came back into the room holding bunches of holly and mistletoe.
"What he's bought you for Christmas," said Daniel quickly.
"Nice recovery," murmured Jack under his breath. Sam looked from one to the other suspiciously, then shook her head. Sometimes they were like a couple of little boys.

Daniel walked over to the table and opened the bag of decorations he'd bought. "I'm sorry guys but there really aren't going to be enough here."
Sam leant over and started emptying the bag. "You're right, Daniel. It'll look bare if we don't get some more decorations," she said, as she lifted out a large gold star. "This is nice. Is it for the top of the tree?"
"Yeah," agreed Daniel.
"I've got the stuff we used last year at home. Shall I go and fetch it?" offered Jack.
"Hang on! I've just remembered! I think I've got some old decorations in the attic. Let me have a look for those first," said Daniel excitedly.
"Fine by me," said Jack, as he began to examine the decorations spread out on the table. He picked up the shiny gold star and turned it over and over in his hands. Then he tried balancing it on his outstretched finger. Daniel watched him, fascinated. "Jack, why do you do that?"
"What?" The colonel looked up, lost concentration and dropped the star on the floor. As he bent down to retrieve it, Daniel shook his head.
"Play with stuff." Jack frowned. Realising his friend was baffled, Daniel continued, "You're always picking things up and playing with them. You do it in my office."
"And the lab," added Sam.
"I don't," protested Jack.
"Yes, you do. I've seen you do it in the infirmary too, and the briefing room. Even the list have noticed it. But for some unknown reason they seem to think it's cute."
"It's not their stuff being mauled, is it?" said Sam with feeling.

Jack very carefully put the star on the table and shoved his hands in his pockets. He smiled. "So they think it's cute?"
Daniel pursed his lips. "They had something to say about you standing like that too."
Jack glanced down at himself. "What's wrong with standing with my hands in my pockets?" he asked doubtfully.
"Well.... apparently if a guy stands like that he's drawing attention to his......" Daniel nodded in the general direction of Jack's belt buckle.

Jack's hands shot out of his pockets as if they were on fire. He held his arms out at ninety degrees to himself like a scarecrow. "OK, so what can I do with my hands?" he asked plaintively.
"I can think of one or two things you might try...." muttered Sam under her breath.
"I think you're safe with them by your sides or folded in front of you," suggested Daniel.
"Thank you." Jack very carefully folded his arms across his chest. "Go and find that stuff, will you?"
Daniel grinned and left the room.

"I found them!" Daniel came back carrying a large, dusty cardboard box. He put it down on the table in front of Teal'c who began to look through it. "It's a few years since they saw the light of day but I guess they'll still be OK."
"How come you haven't used them?" asked Sam.
"I bought them with an ex-girlfriend. We split rather acrimoniously just before Christmas the next year. At the time I didn't put them up because there were too many memories, then the next year I was in Abydos, then I've been with you guys."
"An ex-girlfriend?" asked Jack inquisitively. "So why did you split? Was she way smarter than you? Or were you her boss?"
Sam's eyebrows shot up and she stared at Jack in disbelief. Daniel didn't seem to notice. "Neither. She said I wasn't adventurous enough," he said sadly, lost in his memories.

Meanwhile, Teal'c had been carefully removing decorations from the box. Spotting something out of the ordinary, he tipped his head on one side and asked, "Was your ex-girlfriend in law enforcement, Daniel Jackson?"
"No, she was an anthropologist," he replied, just in time to watch Teal'c fish in the box and remove a pair of handcuffs. When Daniel saw them he went bright red and Sam and Jack collapsed laughing.
"I can guess what kind of adventure she was into," gasped Jack, clutching Sam's arm for support.
Sam nodded incoherently between her giggles, then spluttered, "I'm starting to see you in a whole new light, Daniel," when she came up for breath.

The archaeologist looked at the floor. He wouldn't have thought it humanly possible to blush this much. It felt like his face was on fire. Teal'c looked at Daniel with sympathy. He'd been on the receiving end of the Tau'ri's idea of humour before and hadn't enjoyed it much. On this occasion, he hadn't got a clue what Sam and Jack were finding so funny but he could see the joke was at Daniel's expense and sensing his friend needed a distraction, the Jaffa had another look in the box and pulled out a packet of long, thin pieces of paper.
"What are these for, Daniel Jackson?" he asked.
"You make paper chains with them, Teal'c," replied Daniel as he shot Jack and Sam a filthy look and sat down at the table. "Let me show you."

When Sam finally stopped laughing she felt a twinge of guilt. She decided she ought to try and be nice to their embarrassed friend. Perhaps it would be best if she changed the subject. "Daniel, there was something I was wanting to ask you," she said.
"All right, so long as it has nothing to do with my ex-girlfriend," the archaeologist said grumpily.
"I was trying to find a few stories on the archive the other day but I can't remember the titles or authors. I wondered if you'd know which ones I meant."
Daniel visibly perked up. "I'll do my best. Fire away!"
"There was one where we were likened to characters in Wizard of Oz."
"That would be Existence by Ness."
"The one where Jack is going to remarry Sara but I switch places with her at the end?"
"The Wedding by Ness."
"How about the story where you defend us at a military hearing and prove we're married?"
"The Grapevine by Ness."
"Anyone spot a pattern here?" interrupted Jack. "I'm guessing Ness is your favourite author, Carter?"
"No..... Yes....... Well..... I like her stories but I don't really have a favourite author, sir. I had no idea they were all written by the same person." She frowned. "How strange."

"It's not strange," said Daniel. "It's one of those unexplainable laws of the Universe, like toast always landing butter side down."
"Daniel, what *are* you talking about?" asked Jack incredulously.
"The list have noticed this phenomenon," continued Daniel, slipping into what Jack thought of as 'lecture mode'. "Whenever anyone mails the list asking someone to identify a story from a description, it always turns out to be one of Ness'."
"Always?" asked Sam.
"Always," confirmed Daniel.
"I guess I'll just look under Ness' name in future," said Sam.
Daniel nodded. "Probably save you a lot of time."

As a peace offering to their disgruntled archaeologist, Jack had volunteered to put up the paper chains that Teal'c had made. He looked over at the Jaffa. Teal'c's features were compressed into a frown of concentration as he continued to stick the strips of paper together. Jack had rapidly come to the conclusion that either his friend was doing something wrong (which was not something he felt like suggesting) or the glue on the chains was substandard, because every time he pushed a pin through a chain and into the ceiling, something always seemed to come apart, the chains would fall to the floor and he had to glue them back together. It was getting very frustrating. He climbed back up the stepladder and tried again.

The chain snapped and fluttered gently to the floor. Jack felt anger building up. He had an almost irresistible urge to tear the paper chains into confetti. Glancing over to where Sam and Daniel were decorating the tree, Jack watched as Sam wound a piece of gold tinsel round the handcuffs and draped them at a jaunty angle over one of the higher branches. He wondered if Daniel would notice.

Even though Jack had been standing motionless on the steps, another chain broke and drifted past his head. He fought back the urge to scream, then shook his head wearily. It was Christmas, wasn't it? Looking again at the handcuffs dangling on the tree, he smiled wryly to himself. He wasn't going to lose it over a few chains, he told himself firmly; and, why, handcuffs could be taken in a whole different context sometimes.

Climbing back down the steps, he took a deep breath and looked round for the glue.

Daniel balanced the star on top of the tree and stood back to admire his handiwork. Jack had finally managed to hold the paper chains together using a stapler and the chains hung in long swoops from the ceiling, their staples glinting in the glow from the tree lights. Teal'c looked at the tree with pride and gave one of his rare smiles. "Merry Christmas," he said, inclining his head to his colleagues. He pointed to the mistletoe that Jack had stapled to the ceiling. "I believe a kiss is customary, Major Carter?"
"Sam," she corrected, and putting her hands on his massive shoulders, kissed him softly on the lips. "Merry Christmas, Teal'c."

She then turned to Daniel. He smiled shyly, murmured, "Happy Christmas, Sam," and kissed her slowly and gently. When they broke apart, she smiled shyly back.

Taking a deep breath, she turned to face Jack. As she stared into his dark brown eyes, memories of the last few months flashed through her mind. Him kissing the Sam from the alternate reality, her getting involved with 'her Jack' and, more recently, him writing an erotic story about the two of them. And of course, him saying repeatedly that them getting together would be against regs. She smiled. "Isn't us kissing against regs, sir?"
"Jack. And no, the regs concerning mistletoe clearly state that when standing under it with a close friend of the opposite sex, you are honour bound to kiss. Rank and chain of command don't come into it."

He gently put his hand on the nape of her neck and pulled her towards him. He'd intended to keep the kiss brotherly but as soon as their lips met almost three years of bottled up emotion came to the surface. He deepened the kiss, getting lost in the feel of the woman in his arms. Responding to him, she ran her hands down his back and tried to pull him closer to her. Jack felt himself shudder involuntarily as her body pressed against his. 'Just this once,' his passion fogged mind decided, 'just this once, the regs be damned..... I want this....... She wants this..... Hell, I'm amazed she wants this....... Let's enjoy ourselves.'

Daniel and Teal'c found themselves looking away in embarrassment. "Shall we go and check the e-mail?" suggested the archaeologist.
"A good idea, Daniel Jackson," agreed the Jaffa. They walked through into the next room, Sam and Jack oblivious to their departure.

When Sam and Jack broke apart, Jack gazed down into Sam's shining blue eyes and smiled softly. Stroking her cheek, he whispered, "Wow!"
Sam leant her head into his hand, relishing the contact. She smiled. "I second that 'wow'."

Daniel chose that moment to come back into the room. He smiled at his friends and cleared his throat. "Hey, guys, guess what? I've just had a mail from Ness! She says 'Merry Christmas!'"

wendyparkinson@hotmail.com

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