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Rally Weather

by Mark Daniels

Unbeknown to the greater proportion of the general public, a special unit at the Meteorological Office has long been performing a special study into causes for inexplicable deviations to weather forecasting.  The conclusions will be shortly released to the national media, however we have courteously been granted a preview.

You know the sort of thing I am sure, like why cricket matches are always rained off in high summer.

Well it transpires that the principal cause of such unpredicted phenomena is in fact attributed to motorised cycles!  Yes, I was most surprised myself but the conclusions of this highly accredited group of meteorologists and scientists is most convincing, in summary:

Cyclemotors Though renowned for their cheery disposition will create overcast conditions, however are notably not powerful enough to cause actual precipitation by themselves.
Autocycles Will readily induce inclement local conditions when in the company of any other forms of motorised cycle not of their species, which is largely credited as a reaction against their successors.

The chief cause of most atmospheric disruptions however is attributed to mopeds:

Most Continental & Asian varieties, French, Dutch, Italian, Japanese, etc Emit engine frequencies that dispel humidity thereby causing sunny conditions.
German & Austrian machines: NSU, Puch, etc Have no effect on the climate when ridden independently but when ridden in groups will cause lowering of the cloud base resulting in mist or fog.

The primary cause of inclement conditions is credited to British manufactured mopeds:

Norman Nippy It’s going to chuck it down!  Nippy riders know this, which is why you always see them with a full waterproof set packed on the back of the bike or in the pannier.  So strong is the influence that it is unaffected by storage in a shed.  Norman Nippys alone are accredited as being responsible for nearly 80% of the UK’s bad weather.
Birmingham manufactured machines: Phillips, Hercules etc Will simply by their presence create high humidity, often resulting in actual precipitation if permitted to remain in exposure to outside air for long periods.
Raleigh RM1&2 When ridden in the company of any other machine acts as a trump card almost strong enough to negate even the worst effects of a Norman Nippy to only light drizzle.  Sturmey Archer riders only get rained on while riding alone!
Clark Scamp Whatever the weather’s like when you leave home, it’ll be blowing a gale by the time you return!

Other more unusual brands of moped (Bown, Cyc-Auto, Dunelt, Mercury, etc) and various combinations of such in company with other machines will induce all manner of subtle peculiarities in local conditions that are far too detailed to go into here (see full report on publication).  The overall effect is that the NACC will be required in future to take consideration of the local environmental impact of its rallies and carefully balance the spectrum of machines being ridden to minimise effects.

The report closes with a statement deriding the populist greenhouse gasses cause towards global warming, explaining the change over the decades to the collapse of the British moped manufacturing industry and subsequently their progressive reduction in use as imported machines superseded them.

Once you have grasped the concept behind this unique hypothesis and related it to all the rallies you’ve been on I’m sure you’ll begin to appreciate the inescapable logic behind the theory.


First published - December 1999


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