Makem Jokes

Newcastle are about to play Sunderland in the first match at the stadium of shite between the two teams and Alan Shearer tells the rest of the Newcastle team to take the afternoon off as he will take on the Makems on his own. The Mags thanked him and went off down to the Strawberry for a couple of pints. They switched on teletext to follow his progress, 26th minute 1-0 to Newcastle, scorer Shearer . Second half starts and in the 85th minute, 1-1 appears scorer Clarke. The game ended 1-1. When Shearer gets back to the pub the boys asked him how he could only manage a draw against the Makems and he replied. "Sorry lads I got sent off after half an hour ."

Sunderlands kit for next season has just been unvieled.. It's all white with a pointed white hood and a flaming cross on the front.

 A Makem fan is comming out of the stadium of S***e after another game lost in the Nationwide league. A prostitute comes up to him and says... "Do you fancy a blow job, pet..?" He stares at her in a dim, Makem like way, and says "Will it effect me Giro...?"..

Have you got what it takes to support Newcastle, Sunderland or Man United? Answer these questions to find out.

I support my team because
a) I live nearby
b) I live nearby, but wish I didn't
c) I long for European nights, Wembley finals, lots of media coverage and basically my local team is s***e.

Watching my team
a) Has its ups and downs
b) is like having a Yo Yo
c) is great on my new TV

It's costly supporting my team because
a) The board are greedy B****DS
b) I keep betting on us at the Ladbrokes' booth
c) Away shirts cost a bloody fortune these days

Since the Taylor Report on Safety at football
a) The atmosphere has diminished
b) We're still playing crap
c) I've fixed a rope ladder to my bedroom window and bought a seatbelt for my armchair

To see some action in Europe next year
a) we need to find a back door to go through
b) I've booked a Club Med holiday to Majorca
c) I'll be subscribing to Sky Sports

Paul Scholes
a) is intensely ugly
b) will never sign for us in a milliojn years
c) is on lots of posters on my bedroom wall

The sort of player who I'd like to see playing for us
a) would give 100% every match
b) would never sign in a million years
c) will sign if he's paid enough

Football Violence
a) is on the decline
b) is what I feel like at a quarter to five
c) is throwing your pizza box at the TV set.

Manchester is
a) A stinking slum and thank God I don't live there
b) A stinking slum, but it's better than our city
c) A wonderful, beautiful place that I've never been to

A penalty is usually given

a) All too frequently against us
b) for a handball or a foul
c) When one of our players falls over near the box

Your team narrowly loses the title to your deadliest rivals in a thriving final league game. Do you
a) Say "Never mind, there's always next year"
b) Stone the players coach and cry your eyes out for the next three months
c) Start supporting your deadliest rivals

Your team wins the title. Do you
a) Celebrate for a week or two then look forward to next season

b) Wake up. Of course it was all a dream.
c) Bore the pants off everyone with comparisons of the Brazil team of 1970

When I die
a) my ashes will be scattered over our pitch
b) we still won't have won anything
c) nobody will care

Mainly A's - You support Newcastle United
Mainly B's - You support Sunderland

Mainly C's - We don't want to know!

Quasimodo asks Esmerelda if he really is the ugliest man alive. Esmerelda says "Go upstairs and ask the magic mirror who is the ugliest man aliveand the mirror will tell you." Five minutes later Quasimodo comes down stairs and asks Esmerelda"Who the f*ck is Peter Reid?"

After having their 10th child, a couple from Sunderland decided that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a fireweork, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Makem said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a banger in a can next to my ear is going to help me." So the couple drove to Newcastle to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Sunderland. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a banger, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10..

  Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a firework and put it in a can.

  He held the can up to his ear and began to count,"1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand...

A Sunderland fans wife get's on to the bus holding her 3 week old baby... The bus driver says " Hey pet, you're baby is the ugliest baby I've ever seen! " The woman pays her fare and goes off and sits up the back of the bus almost in tears. A man says to her "What's up, love?'"..... "The bus driver has just been very rude rude to me back there..." The man replies: "Although you are a filthy Makem, you shouldn't let him get away with that, I reckon you should go and say something, after all he is a public servant, he can't do that to you..." She says: "I will then, I'm off"...

  The man replies "Do you want me to hold your monkey...?!"...

Two Makems standing on a cliff. One has two budgies on his shoulder, the other has a parrot on his. The first Makem jumps, screaming through the air to land in a crumpled heap on the ground below.

 Seconds later, his mate jumps. Halfway down, he pulls out a pistol and blows the parrot's head off...but to no avail, as he crashes in a heap next to his mate. First Makem moans, then says to his mate: "This budgie jumping is over-rated you know! His mate half-turns his broken neck and replies: "Yeah, and the parrot-shooting isn't much better...

A Skunk, a Makem and a Manure fan were exploring deepest, darkest Africa when they came across a huge river. They were just wondering how they would get across when a leprechaun appeared on the riverbank. "If you can get across this river without being eaten by the crocodiles" he said, "I'll give you my pot of gold."

 "No problem" says the Skunk. He gets halfway across before being swallowed by an enormous crocodile. The manure fan goes next but almost as soon as he touches the water, a crocodile gets him. Finally it's the Makem's turn. Before diving in, he gets out a permanent marker and writes "Peter Reid to buy £3 million player.!" on his shirt. He then dives in and swims straight across unharmed.

  "Thats amazing" says the leprechaun, "How on earth did writing that stop the crocodiles from eating you?"

  "Well", says the Makem, " Peter Reid to buy £3 million player.!? Not even a crocodile can swallow that..."

 There's a Makem, a Rastafarian and a Geordie in a hospital waiting to pick up their newly born baby boys. The doctor comes in and says "I'm afraid there's been a terrible mix up and we're not sure which baby is which...". The doc leaves the 2 men and the Makem to decide who picks first, They draw straws and obviously the Makem loses. The Geordie wins and runs over to pick up the little black baby... "What the bleedin' hell are you doing, that's not yours..." cries the Rastafarian,

  "F**k off, mate, I won and I'm not ending up with a Makem...".