The Return Of The Living Dead
As reviewed by Miguel Cut-trouser-leg Kesey
Awwww...it's time for some hot zombie action! This is a great shit movie; ie. the type of film we think's great, whereas everyone thinks is frickin' awful. Well...it IS awful, but also great.
It's about these two dudes who are working in some sort of morgue-esque place, and one of them, a curious teenager asks the other person, an older asswipe who chews his lips like a rabid Fitzy what the weirdest thing he'd encountered was...the older dude talks about Night Of The Living Dead, saying it was based on a true story, and offers to show the young dude the cannisters of zombifying gas...
And the stupid dumbfuck bursts it open, and lo and behold, lots of zombies start charging people like Pat Sharpe going : "Braaaaains..."
The film's token victims are a bunch of punkers running around a graveyard, including one who looked suspiciously like Marilyn Manson, and took off all her clothes all the time.
The show is stolen, however, by Ernie, the embalmer from next door... Ernie wears some sort of purple tracksuit, and is attacked by a bald zombie's arm...so, Ernie says "Well, the way I see it is...", and then cuts off one leg of his tracksuit and runs about forever more with one short leg...however, the frightening and eerie thing is, its length continuously changes... We never do find out why he cuts his tracksuit leg off though, but that's the sheer artistic beauty of his character.
Ernie also breaks his foot by falling over slowly and silently, and subsequently takes off his shoe; then climbs up some ladders.
He's my frickin' hero!
There's also some guy who looks a bit like Jeff Goldblum in the dark who says : "Fuck you" a lot, and he's pure hip, man.
Anyway, it's great. It's a must see if you think films that are shite are good.
The Return Of The Living Dead
As reviewed by Juan Fishysmell Kennedy
Right, the best film in the world. The end. Naw! Only joking! I had my fist right up your bum there!
So, the story goes something like this. These two dudes, an old man with a habit of gnawing(!) on his bottom lip, and a young scalywag with a stupid girlfriend named Tina, bring back a dead body by releasing this minging gas.
They can't dispose of the body, and so the old man decides to contact his trouser cutting friend to help him.
This guy is my hero. He, the old man and the young dude burn the body, only to release the gas into the near-by grave yard and bring back the dead. Although, the most intriguing part of the film is when the hero of the film proceeds to cut off the bottom half of his trouser leg. As he does this, the rest of the gang stand around and watch him. Hilarious. Then, just when you thought it couldn't get any more funnier, the trouser attacking fiend falls over slowly, managing to break his foot. God damn it. He then takes off one shoe and starts to run about. Myself and Miguel pissed our panties at this, as minutes before I had said how humourous it would be if he only removed one shoe and started running about.
Anyway, I can't be bothered to tell you the rest in great detail, so I'll just say everyone died and no one survived. Oh yeah, then all the zombies charged the police like the kids charging Pat Sharp on Fun House.
VISIT THE RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD SOUNDS PAGE TO DOWNLOAD SOME HOT ERNIE ACTION!!