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Hello folks
I'm off on holiday next week so you're just gonna have to do without me. As a result, I'm rushing around trying to find my condoms in case I get lucky while I'm away - It's unlikely, but there you go. I shall keep you informed if I do get laid and give you a full critical review if necessary.
I'm far too busy to have a special guest this week. Please feel free to nominate someone (or yourself) in the space below
THE SPECIAL GUEST THIS WEEK IS:..........................................................
AND THE REASON WHY:........................................................................................
But thanks to those of you who have written recently. Keep your comments and contributions coming in (thanks to Adam Lane for his joke which is down below somewhere) - especially for the forthcoming sci-fi Whimsy! It will be here soon, I promise.
Fafafafafafafafafafa better runrunrunrunrunawaaaaay Welcome
Sign of the Day - The signs that surround us in day-to-day life are a
constant source of amusment to me. A great deal of mirth can be gleaned
from the most innocuous of signs. Take the sign outside Tremorfa
Steelworks, the one that says "Slag Vehicles Crossing". See what I mean?
One that has recently caught my eye is the sign on the St. Mary's Street
entrance to the Cardiff Fish Market that reads "No Irony Allowed".
Another is the classic "Slippery Trip Hazard" sign that Claire Desmond
nicked and now resides in my care. But the finest and greatest sign for
me has to be the safety sign we are familiar with from our municipal
swimming pools.
For an agnostic child growing up in South Wales, this became my 10
Commandments. And like the 10 Commandments, every single rule was
blatantly disregarded by myself and my peers. The Swimming Pool Safety
Sign (hereafter known as spss) urged all swimmers to take care when
having the time of their lives. As a result, the fun of misbehaving in a
public pool was reduced thanks to the brutal whistle blasts of the
beer-gutted lifeguards who patrolled the pool like Gestapo death
commanders. Remember the rules? Let me remind you:
No Shoving: How else can one play at being a clifftop assassin?
No Bombing:The most enjoyable way to enter the water. Also, the only
thing that fat people are ever good at (apart from stuffing their faces
with bacon rind). All denied by safety-conscious killjoys.
No Shouting: Even the slightest whisper in a swimming pool creates a
Phil Spector-style wall of noise thanks to bare tiled walls and
hyper-sensitive acoustics, which means you must remain silent at all
times lest you incur the wrath of the Pool Patrol. Any shouting turns
the pool into a volume exceeding a Motorhead gig. My message is: shout.
It's good to let air out of your lungs. And anyway, if everyone was to
shout at once, what could the Lifeguards do about it? Chuck everyone out
at once? Remember: a united front can overthrow oppression.
No Splashing: Fascist Bastards! How else are we going to bully other
people without actually hurting them?
No Running: It's cool to lose your front teeth as a result of a pool
accident. Makes you look like a man.
No Petting: The best and most memorable one of the lot and one worthy of
lengthy study. As a 5 year old child, this sign prompted you to say
"Mummy, what does 'petting' mean?". Your Mother would then sigh and, in
the undignified surroundings of a public swimming pool and dressed in an
ill-fitting bathing costume, explain everything you needed to know about
the facts of life. This gave you the first experiences of sexual
awakening as the more adventurous amongst us would then try and "Pet"
the fit girls in the pool, risking (as ever) the whistle blast of fear
c/o the PoolPolice. I recently asked a childhood friend who now works as
a Fascist PoolGuard about the Petting rule and he told me that he
regularly has to stop youths in the first flush of sexual
experimentation from shagging each other senseless in a public pool. Of
course, he has a point. Nobody in their right mind would want to enter a
swimming pool that is full to the brim with frothing semen, would they?
But naturally, a sign never stopped anyone from attempting a little
discreet frotting so there is still much randy fun to be had at your
local pool.
Er.....I've forgotten all the other rules. Basically they were there to
stop you from having fun.
In the light of the fact that as I am master of Whimsy and therefore the
world, I've got my own set of rules though for my ideal pool. Here they
are:
No Old Ladies
No Bastard Lifeguards. If you drown, you die.
No Learners. If you haven't learn to swim then that makes you a public
menace. Let the experts take control
No Polystyrene Floats. They are not mini-surfboards and they aren't much
good at being weapons.
No Vomiting
No Snot
No Pissing in the Pool. Most public pools are warm because toddlers are
well known to have a crafty wee upon entering the water
No Sharks. They can kill.
No Lobsters
No Retrieving of Bricks. A pointless exercise dreamt up by a tosser,
encouraging children to leap into any stretch of water to hunt for black
rubber bricks.
No Elastic Bands. A recent invention designed purely to restrict your
fun by giving you a time limit. How many times has an enjoyable floating
session been interrupted by the call for "Red Bands Out". If you are the
unfortunate Red Bandee, then that means you must leave the pool. Also,
from bitter experience, I have discovered that if you lose your band,
you then have to look for it yourself on the floor of the pool like some
human cormorant.
No Unintelligible Announcements on the Tannoy. I do not want to hear
another announcement that goes: "(bing bong) HURHRRR HUURHH BRURRHGIL
HURBTIEEE UMYUMEEEPERGETOUTTHERE'SABOMBINTHEBUILDING!" because it
interrupts my swimming.
No Laughing at young Men who have put on weight and look a bit portly.
It's not funny, OK?
Office Stationery Item of the Day: Filing Cabinet. Make no mistake,
these are lethal objects. Be careful when sitting beside them as they
have a tendency to topple over on top of you causing injury, possible
paralysis and potential death. Be aware that they can also run fast and
can climb trees. The best way to deal with a bolshy filing cabinet is to
look it in the eye, say "No!" firmly and take their food bowl away.
Nasty messes on the carpet can be improved with training but remember
that they can be irritable in March, which is the traditional Filing
Cabinet rutting season.
Royal Palace of the Day - Buckingham Palace. As palaces go, this is
pretty impressive stuff although it is a rather muddy grey thanks to
London's pollution level. Apparently most of the rooms are
administration offices. Yeah. Right. The rest of the rooms are obviously
filled with money and gold and crowns and stuff.
Band of the Day - Queen. Fabulously camp uber-rock band. How could even
the most hardened anti-Queen cynic fail to be amused by tunes like "We
Are The Champions" or "I Want It All"? Delightful songs abound in one of
Rock's most elegant back-catalogues, not to mention some of the finest
singles in Rock n' Roll. Queen were not a good band for albums per se,
only "A Night At The Opera" really clicks as a consistently brilliant
album. However, Greatest Hits 1 & 2 are essential purchases for any
record collector. Queen were a band with tremendous subtlety. Don't you
believe me? Foolish Mortal! Well, check out the gentle loping groove of
"You're My Best Friend", or the extremely complex chord arrangements for
"Bicycle Races" for proof. Also, check out their romantic sense of
humour in songs like "Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy", not to mention
their ability to crank out camp bombast - the Flash Gordon soundtrack
with its memorable title track is well worth laughing at. Also, for
sheer romance, check out Love of My Life - one of the most moving
ballads in Rock. It is worth mentioning that, unlike any other band in
history, every single member of Queen was a talented enough songwriter
to write a number one hit that would reverborate around the world:
Freddie Mercury wrote Bohemian Rhapsody, Brian May wrote We Will Rock
You, John Deacon - Another One Bites the Dust and I Want To Break Free,
Roger Taylor wrote One Vision and Radio Ga Ga. See? Classic tunes all.
Queen benefited greatly from having one of the world's greatest rock
talents as a front man. Freddie Mercury (inspired name - his real name
was Farroukh Bulsara) could captivate an audience with his cod-opera
vocals and his fabulously sinewy piano skills. Brian May had the guitar
muscle with a beautifully rich tone thanks to a guitar he famously built
himself. John Deacon and Roger Taylor made a formidable rhythm section
that could bestbe heard on the "Live Killers" album which, for all its
sound deficiencies, is a stunning portrait of a band at the peak of
their powers. All the band were blessed with good singing voices which
allowed for rich harmonic colour. A real sense of driving ambition and
passion helped them cut through their glam peers and their songs are
still sounding fabulous today, over 25 years later. Freddie's tragic
death was, in a way, a blessing because right to the end they produced
fine songs (Innuendo, I'm Going Slightly Mad, The Show Must Go On)
without a decline in quality material. Their videos were also a hoot.
But what's really amusing is the meetings they must have had when
discussing the videos:"Lads!" trills Fred, "I've got this great idea for
this video!" (I Want to Break Free for example) "We'll all dress up as
different types of surburban woman - I'll be a housewife with a
moustache; John, you can be a miserable old woman; Brian, your hair
would look great in curlers and Roger, I reckon you'll look strangely
attractive when dressed as a schoolgirl!" How er...right he was.
Ironically, given Freddie's obvious gayness, most Queen fans are macho
beer swillers who would run for the hills with their hands over their
bums if you even mention the word "homosexual".
Bird of the Day - Sparrowhawk. The quintessentially British Bird of
Prey. The sparrowhawk looks quite drab - the males are slate grey, the
females are brown and both sexes are only about a foot long - but is
actually one of our more spectacular birds, its behaviour is an
essential part of our woodland food chain. I became fascinated with
ornithology when a sparrowhawk crashed into a neighbour's window when I
was 4 years old. It was a young female, brown in colour with bright
yellow eyes and striking brown bars across it's chest. The sparrowhawk
ambushes it's prey, often dashing from nearby undergrowth to snatch a
small bird. Sparrowhawks used to be very rare but they are now quite
common and can be seen in our suburban gardens. Their flight profile is
unmistakeable; small but predatory, often soaring above woodland. I
think they are beautiful. Show them some respect.
TV Presenter of the Day - Dinnerdinnerdinnerdinner PAXMAN! NOOOOOO! COME
ON!!! Jeremy Paxman, the reptillian king of political telly, is fearsome
in his attack of bastard politicians. He is also the cuddly face of
University Challenge who frequently berates the contestant's stupidity
with nast snipes at their intellect. Witness:
Pax: Which Roman Emperor actually banned gladiatorial combat on
humitarian grounds?
Spotty Student: Er....help....er....um....Posh Spice?......er......
Pax: (impatiently) Come on!
Student: Ah.....er.....(thinking back to his Asterix books, then
triumphantly:) Julius Caesar!
Pax: NOOOOOO! It was Marcus Aurelius! Didn't you know that, you stupid
pleb? God, your mother must hate you now.
Student: I'm....er....sorry....(sniff!)
Paxman also frightens babies, tigers (RAAAAH!), unicorns and the Norse
God, Thor. He is beyond protection and is probably indestructable and
could beat you up in a fight.
Swear Word of the Day - Bugger. Another bastion of Britishness, Bugger
is one of the finest explosive words in the English Language. It is a
fine all-purpose curse, plus an excellent dismissal phrase. To tell a
subordinate to "Bugger Off" is one of the most gratifying experiences in
modern life. Of course, "bugger" is a derivative of buggery, which is a
demeaning term for "bottoming", and calls into question one's sexual
orientation. This also explains the slang term for side-burns - Bugger's
grips. As in : "That Gaz from Supergrass, he's got some spectacular
Bugger's Grips!"
It is another swear word that is incomprehensible to the average
American. To hear an American say "bugger" is one of the funniest things
in the world.
Rodent of the Day - Squirrel. Yes they are bloody cute. That is until
they bite you and give you Rabies. Squirrels are merely rats with posh
tails.
Guitar of the Day - Fender Stratocaster. Beautifully designed instrument
that looks sensual. One of the most famous guitar designs in history.
Tony Blair nominated it as the most significant invention of the 20th
Century. It was invented by Leo Fender as a follow-up to his success with the Telecaster and was brought to mainstream popularity by Buddy Holly in the 1950s and
has since become the guitar for any serious guitarist. Sure, the Fender
Telecaster has an edge to the sound that has yet to be bettered while
the Gibson Les Paul has a robust and extravagent sound that echoes
throughout rock n' roll. However, the Strat is the all-purpose guitar
for the consumate professional and while some of us, including myself it has to be said, prefer other guitars, the Strat is the touchstone by which all modern electric guitars are judged.
Top Stratocaster solos:
'Comfortably Numb' - David Gilmour, from "The Wall" by Pink Floyd
'Rikki Don't Lose That Number' - Jeff "Skunk" Baxter, from "Pretzel Logic" by Steely Dan
'Holy Smoke' - Janick Gers, from "No Prayer for the Dying" by Iron Maiden
'Layla' and 'Bell-Bottom Blues' - Eric Clapton, "Layla and Assorted Love Songs" by Derek & the Dominoes
'Stay' - Earl Slick, "Station to Station" by David Bowie
Joke of the Day - Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Thought for the Day - Who's there?
Dan Greensmith
Whimsy Archive
14-07-00 | 07-07-00 | 30-06-00 | 23-06-00
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