JASON, AN EX HEROIN ADDICT, SPEAKS TO US

My mother was called Sheila. She was 46 when she died. She had cancer for about seven years, she had it in her breast and eventually it went up to her head. She started getting worse from there really. She kept forgetting stuff, and dropping stuff and lack of air and she couldn't be left alone for long and she couldn't go out by herself, she had to be with someone all the time.

My brothers were in and out of prison all the time, my mum had to look after the three of us by herself, so when they come out of prison and got married, and left home and it was just me and my mum, so I don't look at it like I was looking after her, I don't like saying I was looking after her it was like that, she helped me and I helped her really.

She came to accept what she was going through, it wasn't going to go away or anything like that, so she was fighting and fighting and fighting it, but she couldn't carry on. When it went up to her brain she was too tired and she'd been through too much and I don't think she had any energy left to carry on. I think she saw it, that from her point of view, it would be a lot easier if she just went to sleep. I think if she'd wanted to carry on, she could have, if she'd wanted to. She'd have fought through it like she had done previously, but I think she just felt it was time for her. She felt guilty on my behalf , because me having to be with her, she felt like she was a bit of a pain and stuff, but I didn't see it like that. I was just watching over her basically, twenty-four hours a day, just watching over her. She felt guilty a lot.

I was probably about nineteen years old when I had to start watching over her. My dad went off with another woman, they got divorced and I haven't seen him since I was six. I took a lot of stuff for granted, I took my mum for granted, everything for granted really. I took it for granted that there was a roof over my head, food in my stomach, the bills were paid. I didn't realise until she was gone, how much I did rely on her.

I started on pot and stuff like that, started going out on a Saturday night and taking Ecstasy and Amphetamine. Then on a Sunday, I was using Heroin to come down off the Ecstasy and stuff, and it got a habit from there. A lot of problems I was having at home I was blocking out, I started using the Heroin regularly. But from about sixteen years old, I was using different drugs for recreation and whatever, really. I was using drugs for escape really, to get away from my real life - to get away for a bit, get away from all the problems - just an escape, just to block out my mind. It started getting pretty bad, my mum was more poorly and I started using Heroin more and more just to block stuff out, just to keep on going. Once I started I couldn't stop. Things were getting worse in the house so I just turned to the Heroin.

My brothers were more into looking after their families then they were my mum, they didn't have a lot of time for her. They had their own lives, their interests and stuff. They did care for my mum, but they didn't know how to show it. We've got different dads, my dad put them in a boarding school so they had a lot against my mum in a way, they didn't get on. My mum got a courtesy car to drive around in and they took it and used it for themselves and it goes to show they couldn't have cared for her that much because they just took the car and went.

My mum was a care assistant; she'd always worked in nursing homes, looking after people. She loved animals, she loved to help people and she loved going out once a week. She just loved to enjoy herself really, and when she found out she was ill, she went on holiday quite a lot, she lived life quite up when she found out she was poorly, well the first years anyway. She was going abroad once a year and she loved her two dogs and two cats. Giving up work, that was hard, she loved her work.

When my mother died, I had a lot of problems of my own to sort out, to deal with. I had the death of my mother to deal with; I was going round in circles. I moved to Preston to get away from life. I went to CDT in Preston and they got me into a rehab. I had to do a detox before I went in to the rehab, and then I went into rehab for a few months. Looking back it was the wrong thing to do really; I went into rehab for the wrong reasons. My head was pretty messed up. Probably seeing what really did go on, because I'd been blocking it out with Heroin for a long time. Just coping with a lot of problems drug-free, thinking about it, it's hard, a lot of stuff comes back when you stop using Heroin, a lot of emotions come back, back to real life really, instead of blocking it out I've had to face up to it instead of running away from it.

I'm at a point in my life where I feel like there's a hundred-and-one decisions to make. I'm just filled with decisions to make and so much stuff to do; I don't know which way to go at the moment.