Edges Magazine

EDGES MAGAZINE Issue 17

April/May 1999

I NEVER
ASKED
TO BE
GAY

James is a Public Relations Officer he works in the South East.

I was deeply moved by the stories involving homosexuality in the last issue of edges magazine, particularly as I too vividly recall being hopelessly attracted to members of my own sex from my early childhood. At seventeen I told my family that I was gay and also my friends at school. Every one was very accepting of me and sympathetic. The following year I went to university in London from the north of England and soon ended up having boyfriends while my social life began to revolve around the gay scene

I too have known the pain of having friends die of AIDS and still know many, of whom my long-standing ex-boyfriend is one, who are HIV positive.

Like Anthony's story, I was brought up in a practising Christian family and went to a Catholic school. Some people told me that being gay was against God, but I just put this down to their lack of understanding about homosexuality. I saw homosexuality as one subject that the Catholic Church had not yet fully understood and presumed that it would eventually come to realise that God creates homosexuals as well as heterosexuals. Fortunately, like Anthony, I knew and continue to know that God created me.

I never asked to be gay and yet learnt to accept this as God's will for my life. When I started at university I stood up for gay rights while also proclaiming that I was a Christian. I tried to educate others in a non-threatening way as to what being gay is all about. I felt I had made it Acceptance, a great group of friends, a wonderful boyfriend who loved me and me him, and who my family accepted. He was Catholic and we regularly attended church together and even spent time praying together in the week. I couldn't imagine things getting any better.

I am now thirty-one years old and although the story of my journey to the present day is much longer and more intriguing I will, however, be brief with you. Above all I want you to know that God has blown my mind and all of my dreams! As my now ex-boyfriend and I walked this journey of faith together, I sensed something, that I now know to have been God, that was hinting at me: I'm going to change you. I didn't understand what it meant. I couldn't for one minute believe it referred to my sexual identity. After all I had only ever known homosexual feelings and had never been even slightly attracted to girls before, and in any way. God surely wouldn't want to change my sexuality. After all, He had created me gay (or so I believed). I pursued this "sense" within me and simply asked God to make things clearer. I asked the Holy Spirit to help me, having read in the Bible that the Holy Spirit can teach us everything we need to know (John I 4:26). Shortly afterwards, I knew in my gut that I was to finish with my boyfriend and that God was, well, going to change me. But how I did not know. I just had to learn to wholeheartedly trust in Him. This was all ten years ago and following a long and often rough journey of faith with desperate trust in His Jesus, I am a completely different man. The Holy Spirit has guided me, and, through His power, continues to transform me into the man I never imagined I would become. I have a peace in my life and a deep sense of self- worth that I would never have imagined possible. Neither am I a slave any longer to what people may think about me. I enjoy the freedom of rich,. chaste friendships with all men., friendships that I never knew were possible. I also have a purer more wholesome love and respect for those who are homosexually orientated. Some people now tell me that I can't really have been gay in the beginning, and yet others, among them my gay friends, tell me that I must still be predominantly gay underneath as they knew how secure I was in my 'gay identity. Although I am presently single, I have recently had a long-standing girlfriend and am amazed at the radical difference between a relationship made up of two people of the same sex and that of two people of the opposite sex. They are different. I knew then that God really is changing me, and desires to finish His work!

Please, I am in no way condemning anybody who is gay. On the contrary, who am I to judge? Having lived the gay lifestyle that most people only ever hear about, I must let others know the Good News that God is interested in our sexuality and that we are each much more than our sexual orientation. This is merely a part of us.

I now realise that true identity and happiness can only ultimately be found in God alone. Thankfully my parents encouraged me to focus on God's purpose for my life and not merely my sexuality.

As I daily spend time with God, I become more like Him. I now realise that if God made me, then I have to go to Him to find out who I really am and what unique identity it is that He initially created me with. He teaches me the difference between His truth and what the world calls truth. He has shown me that my identity is not in any of the situations I may find myself in rich, broke, addicted, homeless, in prison, etc. My real identity is in Him.

If God can do the impossible with me then know He can do the same with anybody. He has given me a peace and a hope that I could never have imagined. It is this peace and hope that I desperately want to share with other people. I never knew what it was to be a man and I certainly didn't know that being one could be so good. I thought I had it all and yet I never realised how distant I was from being the person God had created me to be.

As a society, and more so as a church, we each have a responsibility to learn to understand how others around us feel, to take time to listen, and above all to accept and love people no matter where they are at. However, we must not just presume that this is it. God's ways are not always our ways. We need to be open to God turning our lives upside down if necessary.

God is doing a new thing. He promises not to leave us orphans or homeless. I now have a home in Him and He is a father to me in a way my earthly father could never be. Even when I reject Him and turn my back on Him, He is always there waiting for me, wanting to love me, ready to show me new and wonderful things that He wants to accomplish in my life I believe that God loves all people, but I also believe that we, because of our fears and lack of desire to trust God with everything we have (including our sexuality), deprive ourselves of receiving the fullness of His love. Let's not be afraid to put God in charge. Let's dare to listen to His voice. Let's risk becoming the people that God initially planned us to be.

I'm willing - are you?