 Helen is in the THOMAS floating Support Unit I started drinking occasionally when I was about 14 years old and I thought it was acceptable, not knowing where this would lead. I was drinking for about 2-3 years but I wanted to try other drugs; by then drink wasn’t doing enough for me. I got into the clubbing scene when I was about 16 years old. It was party time. As time went on drink wasn’t the answer for me, so I started experimenting with ‘E’ and speed and all the uppers. This was fine for a while, I’d only go out Friday and Saturday and take a few pills. At this time I was doing my A levels and clubbing up and down the country, not realising the direction in which I was drifting. I was working in a nursing home and the pressure got hot; I couldn’t face getting up on a bad comedown. So my answer was to take more to keep at that level. I was on speed for about 2 months, day in day out, being sick, losing weight, not realising what I was doing to my family and myself. At the age of 19 I fell pregnant and all my father’s plans for university were blown, I respected the drugs more. I moved out with my partner. I was in a violent relationship at 4 months pregnant. I was violently assaulted by my partner and lost the baby. My family wasn’t very supportive; they said it was a blessing and that now I could move onto university. I was very lonely and never spoke of pain. The feelings I suppressed and it didn’t hurt as much. My partner was into heroin, I needed to escape so I tried it and I was so ill I thought – never again. It helped me to escape my feelings, it was my mask, I could hide behind it. I felt secure and warm, it took away the loneliness and before I knew it I had a raging habit to feed. The time I didn’t have my gear, my body and soul just ached. At first I thought I could control it, before I knew it I was shoplifting, stealing from my family; before I realised it I’d lost my friends, my family and myself. After about 2 years of my addiction I went to a rehab., for my family, not for myself. It never worked out, you cannot do it for others. I tried another three rehabs. On my third attempt I met my ex-partner. I was with him through my addiction. When I got out he was into drink, so I replaced heroin with drink; it didn’t take long before I was on heroin. Drink didn’t do it for me. I got pregnant with my daughter and managed to stay clean for about 12 months. I had a rough time and started drinking again; it wasn’t long before I was back on hard drugs. When my daughter was about 10 months old I gave her to my parents, as I knew it wasn’t fair. At first I was seeing her all the time but the love for the drugs was stronger than my love for her. I ended up searching the streets for money to feed my habit; I lost my dignity, my self-worth. I would look in the mirror and feel angry and afraid but always blamed others. In September ’04 I went into a treatment centre and have never looked back. I was so tired of drugs and the lifestyle that went with heroin. It was at this time that I found N.A. I remember my first meeting, I sat there in floods of tears; I walked out with embarrassment. I thought everyone was laughing at me. My tears were full of mixed emotions but most of all a big relief knowing I wasn’t on my own and that others understood. I always thought I would die a heroin addict and I didn’t think there was any way out but I saw it with my own eyes – recovery is possible – I’d seen living proof and today I am living proof. Since being in recovery I have achieved so much. I have things in my life that I thought I never would regain. It was beyond my wildest dreams and I owe it all to N.A. my family, my daughter and I are now in a comfortable relationship. I have my own home with my partner. I am doing a confidence with crystal’s course, but most of all I have a respect and dignity. For the first time in my life I am content and happy within myself |
