My name is Jamie. I am 23 years old. I first heard of the T.H.O.M.A.S. project when I was at High School. I think I was about 12 at the time. I was smoking cannabis then but not on a large scale. We did an all-night vigil at the school on behalf of the homeless and Fr Jim came to my school, St James’ in Rawtenstall. He told us that he had left a number of addicts in his home whilst he was there. I could never have envisaged that 10 years down the line I would be an addict myself. Today I appreciate the work and the help from Fr Jim. I was smoking dope all through high school, not because of peer pressure but because I wanted to. I liked the life and the people who were doing it; they had all the girls around them and they portrayed something that I wanted to be. We progressed quickly to ecstasy and doing the rave scenes at 14 years of age. It all seemed good. I progressed to class A drugs at 15. I had an older cousin who had a boyfriend who I looked up to and he took a liking to me; we started hanging around together. They did class A drugs and I wanted to be part of that. I remember, the first time that I took heroin was Christmas Day 1996 at a family party. They had gone upstairs and I followed them; they had no money and they asked me for some. At that time I was glass collecting in a pub, and through high school I always had more money than the others because I always had jobs. There was no problem, I said I would lend them some money but they said if I did it was only fair that they shared the stuff with me. I thought if they do, so will I. We started on crack cocaine but it left me feeling anxious. I was told that if I tried snorting some oil on foil ‘chasing the dragon’ it would make me feel better, so I did. I fell in love with the feeling that it gave me and within a few months I was addicted; not quite knowing that I was addicted because I always had the money to feed my habit so I never felt the effects of withdrawal. I didn’t realise that I had a problem until six months down the line and I tried to get off it myself. I thought then that I was taking it too far it was getting a bit heavy. I was living with my dad then because my parents were divorced. I didn’t know what to expect, I spent two days sweating in total agony. I suppose I didn’t really know what was wrong with me so I gave into it. From there I spent the next 5 years battling with it. I spoke to my parents about it from the first year, so they were aware of it from the start. I went away numerous times with my family to do a sort of detox; I wanted to do it but I was powerless against it. I would go away for a week, take some tablets with me, I knew I could do it; but then I’d come back to my own town and I wouldn’t last a day without using. My parents stopped enabling me, they stopped giving me money; I had to find my own way. I was lucky to have family friends who had their own businesses and I was taken on doing a joinery apprenticeship by a big company. All went well at first; I was within a month of qualifying but I started getting drugs during my dinner break. I was arrested and as a result I lost my job. I went to work for another family friend learning to be a painter and decorator and that’s the job I do now. This job was in London and all over the country. I thought that this was a good opportunity; I was blaming all my problems on my home town and if I could get away I would be alright; but I wasn’t. I searched for drugs in every town we worked in and I got into some dangerous situations but I was lucky to get out unharmed. I would be in King’s Cross on my own with money. I look back now and see it as total insanity, but I came through it. I gave up that job because it was hard trying to get drugs in different towns. I came home with a huge heroin habit and I had to try and fund that habit. Although I had done bits of thieving, it was against my morals to be a thief. I had never done burglary so the only way I thought without hurting the general public was to sell drugs. So I started dealing. I thought I was doing alright; I had all the drugs I wanted; I had a seriously huge amount of money. But things got very heavy very quickly. It was scary, the people I was dealing with every day, everything. I was getting out of my depths. Then my mum found out that I was dealing. My parents came to see me and the fact that they knew about the dealing really upset me; so I thought I would try to stop it. I went back to work, everything seemed to be good, I got a methadone script and suddenly one morning the door burst open and the Drug Squad came in and I was arrested for selling drugs to under-cover policemen. I was remanded to Preston Prison but because it was my first sentence I got off lightly – only a year in prison. Things weren’t as bad as I thought. I came out of jail with will-power to stop heroin, but I started drinking and being an addict, which I didn’t realise at first, I couldn’t stop drinking. In a short space of time I was drinking every day, morning and all day. Eventually I went back on heroin - which I call my rock-bottom. After all that I had gone through and thinking of trying to change my life – I felt a failure. I thought my destiny was to be a heroin addict, a junkie for the rest of my life; I couldn’t stop myself and I didn’t know a way out. So I took the advice of my counsellors at Inward House. I’d heard of T.H.O.M.A.S. as I’ve said and so I rang Pam and made arrangements to come and visit. I came to T.H.O.M.A.S. I had a look round, liked what I saw and Pam said that I could have a place in 4 weeks time. I was scared because things were happening quickly and I knew I had to do a dettox, because I was using a lot at the time. I had my own house which I needed to get rid of before coming into T.H.O.M.A.S. I went home knowing that this was what I wanted to do; what I needed to do. A few days later Pam rang me to say she wanted me in two weeks time. That scared me, but because I wanted it so much I decided to go for it. I sorted out the house and I went with my girlfriend and my dad to the Lake District to do a detox. I took some tablets but no heroin. It wasn’t as bad as the one I did in jail and I could cope with it. I came to T.H.O.M.A.S. and all the medication stopped. The first two weeks here were very bad but the lads in the group supported me and so did the staff. Everyone helped me through it. Being with all the lads in the group here, we call it ‘the group dynamic’, is very special. Being in active addiction I drifted from all my friends because the only ones I associated with were users and I couldn’t trust them or share my feelings with them. We come to T.H.O.M.A.S. and we meet the group and every problem that we have we share and I can put my hand on my heart and say that I trust every member of this group. The way we look at it is this – that 12 heads are better than one. My way didn’t work. I caused myself so much damage. I can’t sort out my own problems so I bring them to the group and get advice from the lads in the group. Looking to the future, I’m now 91/2 weeks in recovery; I can see that my thinking has totally changed. I’ve learned manageability, I’m learning to stand on my own two feet, manage my money. I’m hoping to go to Accrington to see the supported housing project there at Inward House. I feel that as yet I’m not really ready to go out into the world without some support and with the T.H.O.M.A.S. connection I feel that I can eventually beat this dreadful disease. |
