Jenny came into my life in June 2005. we had met and spoken to each other in the past, but June was the time that Jenny came to my flat, needing a confidant, a friend and a listening ear. I offered all three. One thing led to another and I listened in horror as Jenny’s tale unfolded. My flat was comfortable and my first home in 6 years. I had been on the streets, drinking and being a pain in the ‘bum’ since my divorce in 1999. I had tried the whole range of drugs in that 6 years and the only time I was straight was when I received a prison sentence of 15 months in 2002; that was for an assault on my best friend and I had no recollection of the offence. I had been ‘stoned’ out of my face and had assaulted my friend who was only trying to help me. I didn’t need help; I was a God or was until I woke up in prison, accused, convicted and ‘weighed of’. I came out of prison but was returned on remand to the I.O.W. (Parkhurst) for 6 months. I was found not guilty and like a wounded animal, returned to my own manor – Woking. These events had and are still having a profound effect on my life (hence my current address). The council gave me a chance and a flat in Woking and I made it my home; but I’d slipped back into my old ways. Loneliness and boredom offered nothing else; until June and Jenny. Jenny was 48 and had recently had her partner die in her arms. She needed somebody to unburden all her pain and grief on; she chose me! We stayed together that night and we fell in love; there were no stimulants used (booze or drugs) except endless cups of tea and rollups. We spoke for the rest of June and July getting to know each other and I’d like to think we were good for each other as I had no drugs or alcohol in that time. Jenny had found a shoulder to lean on and I’d found a reason to change my life. And it was good for both of us. Jenny and I had an argument at the beginning of August and she went away for a couple of days, but I’d never felt so low and it didn’t take long for me to slip back into my old habits. Hours!!! Jenny came back to the flat and found me stoned, but she was obviously afraid of my mood. I had told her about my past, never thinking I’d regress back to the bad old days; but I had. I struggled with my addictions, refusing to seek professional help and took strength from Jenny to sort myself out. She asked what I wanted from life. The answer is simple; I wanted her and the way things had been for the past two months. As things turned out I wish that Jenny had walked away. It would have saved both of us a lot of pain. Jenny was offered a beautiful flat in September and I was offered a life with her; a nice start for both of us in a new location. It was something I had always wanted, as Jenny’s deceased partner had lived on the same estate that I was living on. This was always a problem, but our love carried us over this not inconsiderable hurdle that stood between us and total happiness. I was in the process of quitting my tenancy and was going to move in with Jenny. We had even talked of a permanent relationship and as Jenny was a cradle-born Catholic, this meant the big step towards a little Band of Gold at the end of the year. We were both up for it. ‘Happiness at last!!’ And it wasn’t coming out of a pill-bottle or a 500m can. Life was good. I was going backwards and forwards to the town, picking up shopping and the things that Jenny needed to turn her flat into a home. I mustsay in all my years I’d never met a ‘housewife’ as good as Jenny. She was always ironing, cleaning and making our flat a home. No man could ever want for more, or need to! I often used to meet my old drinking buddies around town but always managed to quell my craving to sit on a bench and have a drink with them. My excuse (if one was needed) was that Jenny was waiting for me and amidst the catcalls and jeers of my so called friends I’d go home. This happiness ended at the end of September. Jenny and I had a tiny disagreement, it was so unimportant I can’t even remember what it was about. I rushed out of the flat, went to my bench and drank myself to insensibility. I staggered home that night and there was Jenny ‘the cause of my problems’; or was that my excuse to get drunk on cider, and coupled with a few lines of ‘Charlie’ I lost it!! I hit her and the police arrived to take me away. I remember waking at 4.am in a cell, being told that Jenny had been taken to hospital and I was being charged with ABH (again!). I had betrayed her love. Jenny and I split up because she was frightened of my drinking and I now find myself back in prison doing 15 months with an Extended Sentence of 2 years 9 months to do on supervised licence when my time is up. This time I will be seeking the help of my supervising probation officer to get myself sorted. But nothing that the courts can impose on me can equal the loss of the best thing that ever happened to me. I’d given up the thing that gave me a purpose in life to return to something that was waiting in the wings; waiting to take my life. I wrote a poem ‘The Alky-man’ in ten minutes, and I use it as a constant reminder of what I had and what booze and drugs took from me. Jenny has moved on again and I can’t blame her, I made the wrong choice. God I miss her! |
