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You haven't seen it yet? Where have you been hiding. It's going to be the hit song of the year... To see and hear the original "Everyone's free to wear Sunscreen" Video, click on the image. this requires Real Audio and It's a very busy link so the quality may not be too good . |
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TOON SPOOF CONTEST |
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RIK's Menu of alternative lyrics
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Rik Luhamman's "Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen" sings of what people should and shouldn't do...and now it's your turn to add your two peneth about what folks are free to do I am looking for Geordie versions - and the funnier, the better! So, get creative because I'm looking for the best parody of the "Sunscreen" song, and if your entry is the coolest spoof, you'll win a free bottle of the original Sunscreen, Post your entries here! This weeks best entry was from Andy who wrote, Everybody's Free (To be a student) Other entries that didn't make it were , 'To take heroin,' 'to take cannabiss', 'to beat up Makem's,' 'to HATE geordies' and one that I didn't understand ,in the foreign language section. Keep them coming, it gives me a laugh even if some are unrepeatable. See the ORIGINAL TEXT HERE A few titles to get your brain cells working, could be Everybody's Free (To Wear Man U shirts) Everybody's Free (To Wear Toon Gear) Everybody's Free (To Pierce their Nipples) Everybody's Free (To smash up the Bigg market) Everybody's Free (To Wear no coat in the winter) Everybody's Free (To call their baby Keegan) Everybody's Free(To Wear A Northumbrian Kilt) I will post all the BETTER entries on this page.
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Here are some borrowed from our American cousins |
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By Yankee Nerd |
Everybody's Free (To wear Kevlar) Ladies and gentlemen of the class of 2000, wear Kevlar. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, Kevlar would be it. The bullet-stopping power of Kevlar has been proven by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than the ramblings of a hack Washington Post journalist with no idea what 'gothic' really means. I will dispense this advice now, whether you like it or not. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth - oh, never mind, you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have been taken from you by that kid you stuffed in a gym locker because he had weird hair. If you survive the ensuing onslaught, in 20 years you'll look back at video of yourself on TV and realize that it was probably the most exciting thing that will ever happen to you. Even so, you are not as depressed as you imagine. Life gets much worse than this. So go rent 'Pump Up The Volume' and 'Heathers' and get over it. Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to pin all of society's troubles on movies, video games, Marilyn Manson and trenchcoats. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 11:21 am on some idle Tuesday. Do not do things that scare you; society will take care of that for you. Cry. Don't be reckless with other people's lives. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. Just avoid them before they put you on their hit list. Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind...but there's always plenty of time for that oddball kid who only wears black to catch up to you, and overtake you. Just worry about yourself. Remember the insults you receive, and forget the compliments. Nobody really cares about your accomplishments, only their own, so the compliments are usually just empty chatter, more meaningless than birds chirping at each other on the phone lines. Keep your old books; they're never out of date. Throw away your old first-person shooters; they're obsolete 3 weeks after release. Learn to use apostrophe's properly; and semicolon's, too. Study hard, but don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life... the most unsuspecting people you know in high school will probably become the heads of large software companies by the time you're 40. Whereas the jocks will probably never get further than semi-pro ball, in spite of their attitudes in high school. Get plenty of exercise anyway. Be kind to your knees. You'll appreciate them when you're down on them begging for your life. Maybe you'll be injured, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll be killed, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll die in a hail of gunfire. Maybe you'll live to see your children risk their own lives by going to school. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's. Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own. Unless you own a semiautomatic pistol. When it comes down to a contest between a scrawny kid with a gun, and a beefy high school linebacker named Biff, guess who's gonna win? So get a gun, if you can. You'll need it to defend yourself one day. Practice shooting. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own back yard. Learn how to use the safety, even if you don't have kids. Do NOT read gun magazines. They will only turn you into Timothy McVeigh. Ignore your parents. When you snap and take your own life, they'll say that they had no idea what was wrong with you. They didn't. Ditto with your siblings. They know nothing about the pain you go through every day. Nobody understands you but you. So screw 'em all. Understand that cliques come and go, but there are plenty of good gangs out there where people like you can get together and play Magic: The Gathering every weekend. Work hard to conform to the gang standards - because the older you get, the more you need the people who bought you beer when you were young. Live in New York city once, but leave before you get mugged. Live in Colorado once, but leave before you get killed. Sigh. Accept certain inalienable truths: jocks will hate you; teachers will misunderstand you; nobody likes a kid who dresses in black. And when you get older, you'll fantasize that in your time, people liked you, your friends respected you, and your president didn't decry school violence while he simultaneously ordered missile strikes on the women and children of a small European country. Don't expect anyone else to care about you. Maybe you have a close friend, maybe you even have a girlfriend, but you never know when either of them will turn their back on you. It happens a lot. Get used to it. Go ahead and mess with your hair; who cares if it looks 85 by the time you're 40? The way things are going, you'll be lucky to live to see 40 anyway. Buy a black trenchcoat while you're at it. Wear makeup. Pierce your tongue. Whatever. It's your body. Be careful whose music you buy, but be patient with those who supply decent goth music, because there's just not that much good goth music out there. Violence is a form of expression. Dispensing it is a way of leaving your mark on the world, stomping it into the ground, painting in ugly colors your rage and hatred towards the world. Yet despite all this, realize that by performing an act of violence, you will barely leave a smudge on the world. You are merely a media spectacle, and in 6 months, you will be utterly forgotten. So in the long run, you'll be much better off just reading a few books and trying to accomplish something with your life. But trust me on the kevlar. [This message has been edited by Aeon (edited May 07, 1999).] |
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By Fergie |
Everybody's Free (To Complain) EVERYBODY'S FREE TO COMPLAIN-WELL, IF YOU'RE A CHICK, OR MAYBE IT'S JUST ME Complain If I could offer you only one tip for the future, complaining would be it. The short-term benefits of complaining have been proved (anyway, that should be "proven") by me, whereras the rest of this advice also has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dipense the "Pez" of my advice now. Enjoy the style and fashion of the college campus. Oh, never mind. You will not understand how stupid butterfly clips and multiple piercings are until you actually wonder why you would want people to think you have bugs in your hair or how come you thought it was cool to stab a metal rod through your tongue. But thrust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much your parents laughed it off and how hysterical you really looked. Keep drinking Diet Coke and eating cookies...you're not as fat as you will be. Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effectiveas a guy trying to attract a female with grotesque displays of his coolness and manliness. The real throubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind like communal showers that blindside you at noon the day you move into your college dorm. Do one thing every day that scares the pee out of someone else. Sing (alone in your car with the windows up and the volume cranked so loud, you can't possibly catch a note of yourself) Don't be reckless with other people's cars. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours...insurance hikes suck. Floss (your teeth, not your hind-end with one of those dumb thong swim suits) Don't waste your time on jealousy. You're always ahead, someone else behind. The race is long; let 'em eat their hearts out. You're gorgeous, really! Remember insults you receive. Think of a better come back for the next time. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how, stupid-face. Keep your old tests. You can sell them for gas money. Throw away moldy food, only if you can't chip or s**** it off. Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know make fun of me for thinking that I know. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know do to. Get plenty of refined sugar. Hoard all the gummi worms. You'll miss them when they're gone. Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have a prima donna daughter, maybe a trouble-making son. Hopefully, you won't divorce at 40, hopefully, you'll dance the tootsie roll at your 95th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, congratulate yourself often, you deserve it. Your choices are half-chance. Thank God for the other half-luck. Enjoy your body. Challenge it every way you can. Love it and ignore what other people think of it. Work it, own it, it's yours. Dance; as long as you don't have to look at yourself, cut it up! Read hot dog nutritional information; do you know what they put in those things? Go ahead a read beauty magazines and then make fun of the people in them. You know that somewhere there's got to be a weird, hairy mole that's either been covered up with pancake make-up or digitally erased. Get to know your parents. You never know what you can get away with. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best bet for Christmas presents and the people most likely to bail you outta jail or juvie (not that you would ever be there). Understand that crushes come and go, but it's still fun to fantisize. Work hard to have 'em drooling over you, because the older you get, the more you need to work to pull off that cute little micro-mini and tube top. Live in a college dorm once, but leave before you fulfill the urge to draw and quarter your annoying roommate. Live on another planet once, but wait 'til the technology actually exists. Road trip. Accept certain inalienable truths: the meter maid will ticket you the second your time runs out, you might lose an eye trying to apply mascara in a moving vehichle. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, the city police department marked off a parking spot for you right in front of your favorite store at the mall, you were too radiant to ever need make-up, and that people never picked their noses. Go ahead, get that dangler! Don't expect anyone else to go to class for you. Maybe you have an extensive test file. Maybe you're best buds with the cousin of Cliff as in "Cliff's" Notes. But you never know when your T.A. will get a clue. Don't mess too much with your hair. No one cares; that's what hats are for. Be careful what advice you give, be patient with those you expect to recieve it. Advice is all perspective. Dispensing it is an opprotunity to look at the weirdness and beauty of your life, laugh at yourself, love your idiosyncracies, and hope someone, somewhere can find something of value in it. But trust me on complaining. |
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By Exoholic |
Everybody's Free (To Wear womens underwear) If I could offer you only one tip for the future, women’s underwear would be it. The long term benefits of women’s underwear are&ldots; well&ldots; okay, there are none. They’re just much more comfortable. This and the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience&ldots; I will dispense this advice&ldots; wait for it&ldots; now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your best friend’s girlfriend; oh bugger; you will not understand the power and beauty of your best friend’s girl until they have got married in some grim little reception office in gretna green . But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of her in Playboy and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much cleavage lay before you and how fabulous she really looked&ldots; You are not as fat as you imagine. You’re fatter. You big chubby bastard. Don’t care about the families of those people you killed; or care, but know that caring is as useful as trying to nail diarrhoea to the wall. The real troubles in your life are apt to be the police doing a drugs bust; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. Or Wednesday, depending on when the market opens. Do one thing everyday that scares you. Or at least scares someone else. Sing. Unless you’ve got a **** voice, in which case shut the hell up. I’m talking to you, Backstreet Boys. Don’t be reckless with other people’s credit cards, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours. If they try anything, just blackmail them. They’ll soon stop. Floss. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Oh wait, that line comes later. Sorry. Don’t waste your time on chasing pretty girls; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind&ldots;the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself. And Claire who lives down the road from you. Otherwise you’d just be strange. Forget the compliments you give, remember the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how. I need some new material. The classic “Yo mama” is getting old. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. And for God’s sake, throw away those crusty boxer shorts. Seriously man, they’re gross. Stretch. Even if it means having to rip someone limb from limb. Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know who you want to marry&ldots; the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 who they wanted to marry, some of the most interesting 40 year olds know still don’t. Although they all seem to have been divorced several times&ldots; Get plenty of calcium. It’s a new kind of drug that will be on the streets within the next 2 years. If you get a lot now you’ll be set up for life. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’ve been broken by the police when you tried to shoot one of them during the aforementioned drugs bust. Don’t worry though, you’ll be able to sue the police for every penny they’ve got&ldots; suckers&ldots; Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t be able to find anyone stupid enough, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you’ll realise what little bastards they all really are, maybe you’ll divorce 40 times, maybe you’ll dance with that secretary you always wanted to have an affair with 75th wedding anniversary, while your wife lies in a corner, stoned or drunk. Or both. Whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are all made by your mother and you know it. Nobody else’s are. You’ve got problems. Enjoy your neighbour’s body, use it every way you can&ldots; it’ll come in particularly handy as a human shield when you’re escaping from the fuzz. Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own&ldots; Unless you’re a fat bastard, in which case&ldots; ha! Dance&ldots; even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Don’t worry, nobody’s going to see you. And even if they do, at least they’ll have a good laugh at your expense. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. If you pretend you know what you’re doing, maybe someone will come along who’s gullible enough to be impressed. But that’s pretty unlikely. Do NOT read porn magazines, they will only make you go blind. Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good. And when they are, make sure you turn up for their funeral. Man, I never heard the end of that&ldots; Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. And if you believe that, you’re even thicker than I thought. They hate you, you hate them. Get used to it. Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. More specifically, the ones stupid enough to lend you money. They’re always useful. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the less hair you have. Wait, that didn’t make sense. Oh well&ldots; Live in a tent once, but leave before you get too cold; live with your best friend’s girl once, but leave before he finds out and removes all your body hair, one by one. Travel. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Wait, that line’s in the wrong place again. Oops. Accept certain inalienable truths, prices of all Microsoft products will be extortionate, politicians will screw anything that gets in their way, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll be fat and bald. You’ll fantasise that when you were young prices were ridiculously low, politicians were celibate and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Sorry, there’s something weird going on here. Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out. Or run away with the milkman, whichever comes first. I tell you, if I ever get my hands on him&ldots; Sorry, where was I? Don’t mess too much with your best friend’s girl, or by the time you’re 40, you won’t be able to walk and you’ll need someone to feed and clothe you. Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Unless it’s dull, in which case just hit them and leave. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth. In short, no useful advice ever starts with the phrase “in my day” or “when I was young” or, worse still, “in the war&ldots;” But trust me on the women’s underwear. Seriously, try it one day. I’m a silk man myself&ldots; |
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By Clinton |
Everybody's Free (To Try Drugs) I will share these clever insights with you now: Enjoy the power and beauty of life man, oh never mind, you're all probably too wasted right now to understand me anyway. But trust me, in twenty years you're going to look back on this time and not remember a damn thing. Those of you who will be able to remember though, will recall that this was definitely a groovy time to be alive. Your hair is NOT as dirty as it looks. Don't worry about the future. Earlier this year we put a man on the moon, and I predict with a fair amount of certainty that by the year 1999 America will be a peaceful galactic utopia ruled by sexy alien chicks and super intelligent robots. Don't be reckless with these robots' parts, and don't put up with them if they try to terminate you Do one thing every day that really freaks you out. Get naked. Don't waste your time in in Viet Nam. It seems like some days we're ahead, some days we're behind. The war is long and hard, and in the end the only winners are the greedy military-industrial arms dealers. Remember the idealistic words of President Kennedy, forget the empty promises of weasel faced President Nixon. Keep your old records, and burn your old draft cards. Expand your mind. Don't feel guilty for indulging in free love. Some of the most "interesting" 22 year olds I knew were big sluts. Some of the most interesting 40 year olds still are. Listen to the Beatles. As my little cousin Monica told me, "Be kind to your knees, they may be your ticket to fame someday." Maybe your hair is long and dirty, maybe its not. Maybe you own a VW bus, maybe you don't. Maybe you live in San Francisco and wear tie-dyed clothing; maybe you're a Detroit accountant whose never been laid, what ever the case, don't worry too much about your past, and don't care too much about your future. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Hell, have other people use it every way they can. Don't be afraid of what other people think of it, or do to it. It's the greatest toy you'll ever own. Dance, even if you have no where to do it but at Woodstock surrounded by 500,000 naked, dirty hippies. Never read the directions. DO NOT watch 'The Partridge Family.' It will only make you want to kill people. Be nice to your family and siblings. When your 37 and playing the guitar on the corner of Haight and Ashberry for spare change, your going to need a place to sleep. Understand that your partners will come and go, but with a precious few, try to spend more than 1 night with them. Live in San Francisco once, but leave before you overdose on LSD. Live in a van down by the river once, but leave before you overdose on LSD again. Hitch-hike. Accept certain truths to life: Times will change, the governments will lie, and Jerry Garcia is a gangaly weirdo, you too will lose the funk. And when your old your years of LSD use will make you hallucinate that when you were young the government was honest, Jerry Garcia was skillful and sexy, and expressions like "far-out" were socially acceptable. Don't let your hair get too long and nasty or by the time you're 40 it will look like a tangled mass of weeds and shrubs, more comparable to the matted fur of a drowned rat than a human being's. Be careful whose drugs/ advice you buy. But be patient with those that supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping the filth off of it, and painting over it in funky orange, pea green, and mustard yellow and slapping on a psychedelic hippy daisy and recycling it for more than its worth, recycling being a job which by the way, at least 50 % of you will be doing in thirty years. But trust me on the drugs. |
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By Shagga |
Everybody's Free (To Wear Condoms)
Ladies and gentlemen of the class
of '98: wear condoms. If I could offer
The 'full-term' benefits of
condoms have been proved by obstetrics I will dispense this advice now...
Enjoy the power and beauty of a
functioning liver. Oh, never mind. You will
Don't worry about your career. Or
worry, but know that worrying is as Do one thing every day that scares people. Masturbate.
Don't be reckless with other
people's inside connections. Don't put up with Butt Floss.
Don't waste your time on making
money. Sometimes you're employed, sometimes
Remember threats you receive.
Forget the job reviews. If you succeed in Scratch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't
know what you did last night. The most
Maybe you'll gamble, maybe you
won't. Maybe you'll hit double zero on the Enjoy crack whores. Use them any way you can. Don't be afraid of them or of what other people think of them. They are some of the nastiest bitches you'll ever know. Screw, even if you have nowhere to do it but your parents living room. Read the menu, even if you always order the lunch special. Do not read your school text books. They will only make you feel stupid. Get to know your parole officer. You never know when you'll be sent up for good.
Be nice to your bartender.
He's your best link to finding your lost credit card and the person
most likely to remember you in the future.
Live in a trailor once, but leave
before it makes you a Jerry Springer Party.
Accept certain inalienable
truths: Bar tabs will rise. Strippers will hit
Don't expect anyone else to front you. Maybe you have a huge stash. Maybe you'll date a dealer. But you never know when either one might run out.
Be careful whose exctasy you buy,
but be patient while you wait to roll.
But trust me on the condoms. |
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By Python |
EVERYBODY'S FREE (TO EAT SPAM) Ladies and gentlemen of the class of 2001: Eat Spam. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, Spam would be it. The long term benefits of Spam have not been proved by scientists, however, the rest of my advice has the reliable basis of my own meandering meals. I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your Spam. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your Spam until it has gone stale. But trust me, in twenty years you'll look back at cans you've eaten, and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much food lay before you and how fabulous it really tasted. It is not as bad as you imagine. Don't worry about your dinner, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation while chewing Spam. The real troubles in your food are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 6 PM on some idle Thursday. Eat one thing every day that scares you. Chew. Don't be reckless with other peoples dishes. Don't put up with people that are reckless with yours. Floss. Don't waste your time on delicacies. Sometimes they're tasty, sometimes they're gross. The oven is wide, and in the end, sometimes things get burnt. Remember condiments you receive. Forget the brussels sprouts. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old Spam cans. Throw away your old grocery receipts. Swallow. Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your Spam. All of the most interesting people I know don't know what they want to do with their Spam. Neither do all of the most uninteresting people I know. Get plenty of cholesterol. Be kind to your stomach. You'll miss it when it's gone. Maybe you'll fry it, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have barbecues, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll bake it at 400°. Maybe you'll serve it with chicken on your seventy-fifth wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't broil it too much, or freeze it either. Your lunches are half-chance. So are everybody else's. Enjoy your Spam. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it. It's the greatest lunch meat you'll ever own. Cook, even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own kitchen. Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. Do not read the ingredients; they will only make you feel queasy. Get to know Hormel. You never know when it'll go out of business. Be nice when you're serving; it's the best food for your guests, and most likely to stick with them in the future. Understand that dinners come and go, but there are a precious few you should refrigerate. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and cuisine, because the older you get, the more you eat the food you knew when you were young. Live in Austin, Minnesota once, but leave before it makes you hungry. But don't leave until you've visited the Institute of Spam. Microwave. Accept certain inalienable truths. Prices will rise, Spam will taste bad, you too will get sick. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were healthy, prices were reasonable, Spam tasted good, and children digested their Spam. Digest your Spam. Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a grocery store, maybe you visit the Hormel outlet. But you never when either one might close. Don't mess too much with your condiments, or by the time you're done your food will be cold. Be careful whose Spam you buy, but be patient with those who stock it. Spam is a form of nostalgia. Packaging it is a way of fishing the garbage from the dumpster, wiping it off, salting over the ugly parts, and selling it for more than it's worth. So trust me on the Spam. |
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By An American geek in London |
Everybody's Free (To Wear Deodorant) Wear Deodorant. If I could offer you one tip for the future, Deodorant would be it. The long term benefits of deodorant have not been proven by scientists, but hey, you don't want to STINK do you? Enjoiy the power and beauty of your youth. Well, never mind. You won't understand the beauty and power of your youth until you are standing in line at the pharmacy filling your precriptions for Viagra, Rogaine, and Hemmorhoid cream. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at yourself and think, "Damn!" I probably should have made my "Fat-Ass" a salad once in awhile instead of sitting in the drive-thru and counting the change in the ashtray to see if I had enough money for a Number 3 Bacon-Deluxe Combo Super-Sized and an Apple Turnover. Don't smoke, unless, of course, you want to look cool! Don't pee into the wind. Don't call Bald guys "Curly" or Fat guys "Slim." That's just dumb. Don't waste your time on Jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. Most of the time, you're just an Ass. The game of life is long, and in the end, you are just playing with yourself. Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. maybe you'll marry, have children, get divorced, get re-married, have more children, and your ex-husband will sleep with your stepson's wife who also happens to be your lesbian lover. Whatever you do, never be a guest on the Jerry Springer Show. Scratch. Remember the compliments you receive. Remeber the insults too, that way you can use them on somebody else. Enjoy your body, but make sure the bathroom door is locked. Enjoy other people's bodies, but never let your friends catch you in bed with a Fat lass Do not read porno magazines they will only make you Horney. Accept certain inallienable truths: Prices will rise and politicians will philander. Especially if they happen to be the President of the United States. Flush. There is no synonym for the word "synonym." There are 24 hours in a day and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I don't think so. Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickeled Peppers. A Peck of Pickled Peppers did Peter Piper Pick. Live in North London once, but leave before you start getting aroused by members of the same sex. Live in Birmingham once, but leave before you get killed. Never live in Sunderland. Be nice to your parents. You never know when you will have to hit them up for money. Be nice to your siblings. You never know when you will have to ask to borrow their pocket money Don't lose touch with your friends. You never know when you will have to ask them for some money Respect your elders. But don't think that just because someone is older than you are, they are smarter than you. I know a lot of stupid old people. Be careful whose advice you take. When the guy in the cubicle next to you tells you not to approach the boss with your great new idea, remember..."If this clown knew what the hell he was talking about, he wouldn't be sitting in the cubicle next to you." So the next time he opens his big, fat, stupid mouth, just tell him to "Shut the F#$% Up!" But trust me, on the Deodorant. |
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Scarpem |
Everybody's Free (To Avoid Sunscreen) If I could offer you only one tip for the future, avoiding sunscreen would be it. The long term carcinogenic effects of sunscreen have recently been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advise has no basis more reliable than other conflicting scientific studies. The data stream begins now. Never loose the power and beauty of your youth. Age is all in your mind. With plastic surgery, modern medicine, vitamins and proper diet and exercise, your youth may never fade. But trust me, in fifty years, you will look back at holograms of yourself and realize how good you look compared to the old people of today. Super models made you look fat. Don't worry about the future. Four billion years from now, our sun will expand, incinerating the earth and all life with it. Space travel and exploration are the only means of saving the human race. Your troubles pale when compared to this, so be happy your alive now. Being happy all the time scares other people. To show this, sing. Have safe sex with other people. You would want them to have safe sex with you. Use a condom. Control your emotions. You will not win the race if you worry about other people losing. In the end, study those who have lost. Learn from their mistakes. Catalog the gifts you've given. Don't forget the receipts. You will need a database to do this. This way, when you go to an ex-lovers wedding, you can give a gift that makes a statement. Breath. Don't feel guilty if your not loyal to your company. The most loyal people I know got screwed over by their employer by age 32. Plan your own retirement fund. Invest in stocks, bonds and real estate. Improve your portfolio. Enjoy a lifetime of skiing, tennis, and kick-boxing. Get titanium knee replacements when they're gone. Maybe you'll marry. Maybe you'll marry again. If you marry a third time, it means you're either rich, have great lawyers or an air tight pre-nup, or any combination of the three. But don't congratulate yourself too much. Statistics show that people in long term caring relationships live longer and have fewer health problems. Surf the Internet. Use it every day you can. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it. It's the greatest growing source of information you'll ever have access to. While many are using it sitting naked in their bedroom, you can research jobs, read about current events, shop. Don't be naïve about chat rooms. They only want to talk about sex. Discuss your problems openly with your family. Don't put them on some tabloid talk show about "Mothers sleeping with their gay son's lover". Good ratings will only come back to haunt you in the future. You will marry someone within 25 miles of where you live. Your best friends will be from your last years at school. You will have a minor car accident once every ten years. You will do your best to be anything but average. You will visit a Disney theme park more than once, and leave feeling broke. You will get lost near your home and feel as though you never knew this place existed. Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Computers will get faster. New software will be sold. And when it is, you will realize that the computer you just bought one month ago cannot run the software you bought today. Upgrade. Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a nerdy friend. Maybe you have a service contract. But you never know when the technology becomes obsolete. If you’re a man and still have hair by the time you're 40, consider yourself lucky. Be careful whose data you buy, and question those who supply it. Data is just a collection of numbers. Interpreting it is way for corporations to sell you their goods and services, and then figure out how to sell more of it for more than it is worth. But trust me on the sunscreen |
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mista_spoon |
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Anakin |
Everybody's Free (To Wear A Lightsaber) Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '99: Wear a lightsaber. If I could offer you only one tip from a long, long time ago, lightsabers would be it. The lifesaving benefits of lightsabers have been proven by Jedi Knights, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than the meandering doublespeak of a little muppet living in a swamp. I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until you've left your uncle's moisture farm to fly a spaceship. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at holograms of yourself in a white tunic and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much better you looked before your hand was cut off and you kissed your sister. You are not a Jedi yet. Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to pilot a starship while wrestling a Gundark. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that destroy your entire planet with a death ray on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing every day that scares your co-pilot. Use the force. Don't be reckless with other people's droids. Don't put up with bounty hunters who are reckless with yours. Turn off your targeting computer. Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, the cute chick will only turn out to be your sister. Let the smuggler have her. Remember the sage advice you receive. Forget the people who try to kill you. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old landspeeders. Throw away your old snowspeeder. Let go of your feelings. Don't feel guilty if you don't know who your father is. The most interesting Jedis I know didn't know at 437 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 657-year-olds I know are still living inside hollow trees in swamps. Get plenty of exercise. Be kind to your right hand. You'll miss it when it's gone. Maybe you'll destroy the Death Star, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll find your long-lost Jedi children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll be killed by your own son, maybe you'll dance that dumb ewok dance at the end of Return of the Jedi. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. The Empire has a knack for building Death Stars. They'll be back. Enjoy your lighstaber. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own. It's especially handy when you need to slice open a dead Taun-taun to stay warm. Practice, even if you have nowhere to do it but in the back of the Millenium Falcon. Learn about the dark side, even if you don't follow it. Do not strike down the Emperor. It will only make you evil. Get to know your father. You never know when you'll have to kill him. Be nice to your sister. She's your best link to your past and the person most likely to fall in love with your buddy. Don't kiss her, though. Understand that Jedi Knights come and go, but there are always tons of ewoks to be friends with. Work hard to bridge the language barrier, because you never know when you'll need to convince the furry natives that your golden sidekick is really a God. Live on Hoth once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live on Endor once, but leave before it makes you soft. Don't live on Alderaan unless you want to die. Lightspeed. Accept certain inalienable truths: Rebellions will rise. Empires will fall. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, bounty hunters were reasonable, politicians were noble, and Jedi children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a price on your head. Maybe you dumped a load of spice when stormtroopers boarded your ship. You never know when Jabba will collect. Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 you will look like Carrie Fisher. Be careful in Bespin; Darth Vader is in the banquet room. The Force is all around you. It is between the rock and the ship. The ship and the shore. The droid and the talking frog that sounds like Grover from Sesame Street. Use the Force. And trust me on the lightsaber. |
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Post your Geordie Versions to me here! The Small print......, If you are reading this then you must be very sad and have extremely good eyesight. i certainly can't read it. Riksplace is best viewed using netscape Communicator v 4.5, with your screen resolution set at 800x 600 This site is spread across 3 providers, Globalnet, Xoom and Geocities, sometimes one of the internet providers may be down , I hope this does not spoil your surfing pleasure. All Items, ideas on these pages © Riksplace UK© All Rights Reserved. Designed Using Netscape.You can steal whatever you like for your own web site as long as you ask me first E Mail riks@globalnet.co.uk and make a link back to this Web Site. http://www.users.globalnet.co.uk/~riks/ All graphics are designed by Eddy Suryadi , if you want your own custom graphics then contact him at deco@dnet.net.id..
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