Chariots of War; Xena convention

London, September 1999

Guests:- Robert Trebor, Ted Raimi and Bruce Campbell.

Our 'Party': - Co future convention organisers, Margaret and Jette (Scottish), Philippa (English). Here are the details of what we will be doing in May 2001:-

HISTORICON 2001 : Setting the Standards for the Next Millennium
May 5th and 6th, 2001; Edinburgh, Scotland.
Highlander, Hercules, Xena and other people with swords!

FRIDAY

Cocktail party (open to first 200 attendees), literally on top of the hotel pool [no-one fell in!]. Jette (yes!), Margaret and I were wearing our posh frocks for this event. Well, it did say 'cocktail' so we dressed the part. As I remember, we met Robert first. He picked up on Jette and Margaret's Scottish accents and produced something quite close to authentic. When he was complimented on this, he revealed that in the episode where Salmoneus got the girl at the end, that lady was Scottish. He rolled his 'r's maybe a tadge too much, but it was recogniseable. He asked where I came from.

Me: "Glastonbury." (no flicker of awareness) (helpfully) "Have you heard of Bath?"

Robert: (deliberately misunderstanding) "Have I had a bath?!!?"

At which point the conversation dissolved into chuckling on my part and Robert moved on. Then we met Ted. Some of you will be aware of Joxer's nasty twin brother. The interchange went like this:- (I'm quoting Jette here!)

[Ted Raimi: "Hi! I'm Ted" (like - duh - we didn't recognise him <g>)

Jette: "Hi, I'm Jette."

TR: (smile) <turns to my companion> "So I suppose you must be Jace?"

She: "No, I'm Margaret - and her name REALLY IS Jette!"

TR: (blush deeply)(silence)

Jette: (to emphasise point) "And I've had the name for over 40 years". (for the non-Xena fans, Ted plays Joxer and his two brothers Jett and Jace)(I hadn't seen the ep with Jett until this weekend)."]

Back to me again!You can imagine the chuckles later when we saw the episode!

Lastly we met Bruce. Now, I have something of a :::wibble::: over Autolycus, so I was kinda looking forward to this. However, Bruce is not quite like the King of Thieves. Physically, yes (yum). He, naturally, has Scottish ancestry. His attempt at a Scottish accent was...how can I put this...less focussed....than Robert's. We also incidentally taught Bruce what Essex jokes meant when a man standing near us revealed his location and we three ladies smothered sniggers. Let us say that Essex jokes are somewhat on a par with Polish/Irish jokes! The three of us approached Bruce and his lovely wife Aida in the bar later and had a chat. He was much more relaxed. We mentioned, when asked, what we were doing in the costume party. At least, the other two told and I smiled at Aida and said 'Guess!' She couldn't (I had my hair up), so I pulled off my scrunchie and let my hair down. Bruce's right eyebrow raised in surprise and they both said 'XENA!'

I invested shares in Grecian 2000.....	Whadda you mean, I look better in the costume?!!?
Just one Cornetto........	Auto daringly models one of his secret collection of Hawaiian shirts
Don't I know you from 'Brisco County, Junior' ?	Note to self - check subject of e-mail is NOT in the audience first.......

SATURDAY

After a soak in the jacuzzi, the morning was divided between watching various new Herc and Xena videos and raiding the dealers' room. Over the course of the weekend I saw most of Men in Pink (oh, my sides), the one with Auto, Herc and the beanstalk, For Those of You..., The Way (which I didn't like, but not from the Hindu content) and about half the pilot of 'Brisco County Jnr'.

Robert Trebor was the first to give a talk. He's dyed his hair (and beard!) brown, but otherwise he looks just the same. Just imagine Salmoneus more obviously Jewish without the greed and the long flowing nightie and that's Robert! He was persuaded to sing for us and gave a short rendition of the beginning of 'If I were a Rich Man'. It sounded on pitch to me, so maybe he has perfect pitch as well as a lovely, warm, deepish baritone.

Ted Raimi's talk came next. He complained about the 'bale of straw' hat and the general uncomfortableness of his costume. He revealed that Joxer is one of the first comic parts he's done. It may be Joxer is also a remote ancestor, because Ted himself has a tendancy to clumsiness. At first the cast/crew would rush over and check that he was okay. Ted knew it was all over when he had a spectacular fall on to his bottom complete with full coffee cup and they hardly noticed! (He mimed this and it was painfully funny!). Then he had his elbow twisted to sing That Song. Several of us rushed to the front to be his backing group, as requested. I can now say I've sung 'Joxer the Mighty' WITH Ted Raimi!

Bruce was funny (sometimes with rapier precision and acidic wit), laid back and charming. I know he read some of the curious and downright hilarious e-mails he's received over the last months. This was to come back and haunt him the next day. He singled out the Essex man he'd met on the Friday every time and asked him if his girlfriend had found the hotel yet .

On to the costume party. There were 2 Joxers, 1 Autolycus, 2 Gabbys, 1 Ephiny, 2 Caesars (1 comic), Good Sheila and Bad Sheila from the Evil Dead movies, 2 Salmoneus' (1 with Salmonella, the wife!), one Darth Maul (ono), 1 Hells Angel (female), a lady in Chinese dress, 2 fighting Xenas and the three of us [I hope I didn't leave anyone out].

We were:- Jette: Aphrodite (lavender ensemble) Me: Xena, Margaret: Ares, turned into a woman (!) We got the equivelant of the wooden spoon, but I don't mind! I got to have an interchange with Bruce Campbell! After we recovered from that, I spotted a masculine Ares (very good costume and the real goatee was a nice touch!) in the crowd and introduced him to my Ares. Hi Richard! He and his friend are keen members of the Sealed Knot (English Civil War society; recreate battles across the country). The disco followed shortly after. I changed out of my boots and ditched the sword and DANCED!

If anyone recognises themselves below and wants to give me their real names, I will credit you as soon as possible!

So, are you going to phone......? Gab makes a date with Caesar.

Salmoneus has a night out with Auto. Watch your purse, Salmoneus!

Margaret practices the 'God of War' slouch. What would Kevin Smith say?!!?

Margaret really enjoys the attentions of some adoring warriors!

Finally - The God of War (Richard) meets the Goddess of Peace (Philippa).

SUNDAY

Another visit to the jacuzzi, then more videos this morning. I've long since thought that Ares should get his very own consort; so Eirene, Goddess of Peace made her world debut. The costume is mustard gold spandex (lycra) with accessories. Robert sang a good portion of 'Give my your hand' from Rigoletto, in Italian (I don't know the duet well enough to quote the Italian directly). Towards the end of his talk, he was interrupted by two dark, long-haired 'Scots' heckling from the back asking a very long-winded question. We all knew which two were under the disguises, but Robert played along gamely. Let me say that Ted's 'Scotsman' seemed to have spent a long time in Ireland! Robert also auctioned off a bath-robe he wore on stage (yes, he took his shirt off in public!) and a tablecloth with one of Ted's doodles on it. The money went to charity.

Ted spoke more about Joxer and some of the things lying ahead for the character. My lips are sealed! Ted was complaining of a husky and sore throat. I was up the front taking a picture anyway, so proffered my Pinelyptus Pastilles to Sean, the convention organiser, if they might help Ted. Ted then asked who wanted to be an actor. Well, I was down the front anyway....... He called me a bumblebee (I'll have to think of some way to get him back......!). We were paired off girl/boy and sent out of the room to study the script, The Big Day. Cue much hilarity, as it was deliberately dire. We are talking WORSE than 'Sunset Beach' or 'The Bold and the Beautiful'. There was one killer line in it, which included the comic use of the word 'testicles'. After discussing the work with my male counterpart, we decided the only way to play this was O.T.T. We went 'on' in due course. Ted was being the director and commented on my costume.

Me: It goes with the part.

Ted: (cheesily) I like that in my actresses.

We did the sketch and I laid on the emotions with a trowel or two. I also projected my voice, because being something of a keen amateur actress and a semi-pro singer, this comes fairly naturally.

Bruce gave another entertaining talk, including more of his e-mails. I think it politic not to tell the whole story in public, but let me just say he may revise his habit of reading humorous e-mails from now on! Especially when one of the subjects is in the audience.......!

After watching another Xena video whilst stewarding, I went up to get my autographs. I got a signed picture from Robert, plus a Xena cartoon book which I'd bought earlier. From Ted, another photo, the book and Ted's script. Ted commented favourably on my performance of his 'play'. I thanked him and told him I was just an enthusiastic amateur. Bruce signed a photo and the book, then asked who I was meant to be.

Me: Eirene, Goddess of Peace.

Bruce: (heavy sarcasm) Well, of course, I knew that.

Me: (ignoring the sarcasm, trying for resignedly) They just don't teach Greek in schools these days....

After a short break, we had the closing ceremony, by the pool. Ted, Robert and Bruce made a final appearance. Much flashing of photos! Ted and Bruce were presented with signed copies of Ms Lewinsky's book. Robert got another book, but I didn't see what it was. Robert mingled briefly. He had expressed almost disbelief earler at the concept of deep fried Mars bars (chocolate bar deep fried in batter, particularly popular in Scotland). I happened to have some mini Mars bars on me, so as he passed, I got one out and gave it to him.

I'm on page 69!

HE stole my hair-dye!

After the closing ceremony, things went very quiet. No last night disco. We raided the nearest take-away and retired to our room to consume the same, plus quite a quantity of alcohol! After hugs to several people including Richard aka Ares, things were just drifting along, so we retired to bed. I'd like to thank Sean and all his helpers for a really good convention. Especially the ticket system for autographs which got everyone through in under 2 hours, both days. Brilliant.

Philippa (And Ted still has my Pinelyptus Pastilles!)