I Was Using Drugs at 14
Darren is currently on our Drug Rehabilitation Programme.
I started using drugs when I was 14 years old. I started with alcohol. My first experience was with whisky and after two glasses I used to enjoy the feeling it gave me. I used to drink myself into such a state I couldn’t walk straight. I used to be sick and eventually, I broke my arm and my parents found me outside the house. I had to go to hospital, I was in a bad way but alcohol took away any anxiety I felt; it gave me confidence in myself and I felt happy.
Then I began to experiment with other things, for example gas; I didn’t do glue, but the experience with gas gave a similar effect to alcohol. It took me out of myself and as I was then associating with others who did the same things I felt part of the crowd; I was being accepted by them. I also started smoking with this group because the older boys were doing it and I wanted to be part of that.. I then moved onto cannabis when I was about 15 and I smoked that regularly. My school work deteriorated; I didn’t like lessons anymore; I resisted what I was being taught; I was hostile and I was off the wall. I generally wanted to do what I wanted to do. This continued throughout school.
I had experienced a form of bullying early on in school because of my cleft palate and after 2 years of this I turned things round and I became the bully. I did this for self-defence and rather than it being me who got beaten up I put fear into others to protect myself. I realized later I was putting up boundaries to protect myself. I continued with cannabis and I was suspended from school a number of times; my parents visited the school and they were at a loss to understand me. I was asked to leave school and not to come back. I suppose it was what I really wanted if I am honest.
After I was expelled I continued with my anti-social behaviour; I took part in acts of vandalism, I damaged cars and shops. My mother told me to stop hanging around with undesirables as she called them, but it was what I wanted; it was a sort of rebellion against them. I was still drinking and smoking cannabis regularly and my anti-social behaviour, roaming the streets, continued; I set fires in derelict buildings causing thousands of pounds worth of damage but I went to court and got away with light sentences. I started stealing, disregarding my parents, the law and society.
At 17 years old I calmed down a little and got a job on a building site. I stayed at home at my parents but I was still drinking in pubs and smoking cannabis. Over the next nine months I progressed from week-end drinking to 8-9 pints every night and cannabis on top of that. I used to put my drinks on tab behind the bar and then pay the bill at the end of the week. My dad was an alcoholic and I could see myself becoming like him, which I didn’t want to be, so I stopped drinking, but I smoked more and more cannabis to compensate. I then changed my circle of friends and began to dabble with amphetamines and going to clubs. I liked the feeling but my body got used to it and I needed more and more. This continued for 3 years till I was using amphetamines from three nights a week to every night. I lost my job and told my parents it was the boss and others around me who were to blame for this. I had rows with them and denied I was doing drugs. I couldn’t hold a job or pay my bills. I was dishonest with my parents and friends.
I had a relationship which I know now was based on dishonesty, it wasn’t real love; I felt it was just selfish, based on sex and handy for me, she was like a trophy; I was so selfish and self-centred. I was not there for her on an emotional level I was always doing drugs. I was awful and there was no comfort or interaction with her. She got to a point where she realized I was not what she wanted because of my behaviour but by that time she was pregnant and even though I was with her at the birth of our daughter I couldn’t cope and again I didn’t have the ability to deal with it. I just wanted to leave and get some drugs whilst she was there in pain. That was the pattern for a number of years; I always needed drugs when I was uncomfortable with a situation instead of dealing with it. Six months after the birth we split up. My partner wanted someone to rely on, someone who could hold down a job.
I felt rejected, full of self-pity and I used that as an excuse for being off the wall for about 6 months. I felt no self-worth and I always expected people to leave me. I tapped into those feelings and used them as an excuse to use loads and loads of drugs and alcohol. After a period I calmed down a bit but used drugs still. I met my ex-wife and that again wasn’t good; it was a similar sort of relationship. I thought I had what I wanted – a partner, nice house, car and everything – but then I reached a point where it was not enough any more. I understand now what was going on; back then I didn’t.
I was doing well earning very good money working for a small family business doing work on public buildings. I was in charge of three men working on the site but still drinking and using cannabis. I had left the whiz and e’s behind me. But I met an old school friend, one of my best friends who was looking rough. He was in a bad way; living rough on the streets and I bought him a meal, took him back to my place gave him a room and a job. This was fine for 2 months but he was doing his own thing and using heroin. I discovered this and I tackled him about it; he was crying and saying that his wife had left him and his family had disowned him and I felt sorry for him. I tried to get him off the heroin, I told him not to tell my partner or the boss and not to let anyone see him using it. I felt that I had a big secret. One night I had a big row with my partner. My friend and I went to the pub and we talked about heroin. It sounded good so I said that I wanted to try it. I realize that I had been thinking about it before; it was the one drug that I had never tried.
After about 3 months of this I had lost my job and life went downhill. I got into crime very quickly; I lost my flat and stayed with my mother but she kicked me out and I was on the streets with an addiction. I deteriorated badly. I would steal cars or anything, going against my own ideas of morality; I knew right from wrong, but this was irrelevant I needed the drugs and would go to any lengths to get them. Over and over again I was in prison and I couldn’t seem to break the cycle. It got to a point where I couldn’t take any more; I didn’t want to do crime, prison or drugs. I was divorced; I didn’t see my children and my family had disowned me. I could see no way out. I was in utter despair, all hope had gone. I landed back in prison. I made the decision to change my life but I didn’t know how to do it.
I had done sentences when I stopped taking drugs when I was in prison but once out I was back drinking as quickly as ever. I had tapped into the 12 Steps programme through the CARAT team in prison. I had done the programme in prison but I learned more about the 12 Steps in 9 months in Lancaster Castle than in 9 years out there. I was given an understanding about drugs and why I took them. I realised in the prison rehab programme that I needed to come into THOMAS and redo the programme on a realistic level. It was a big decision that I had to make.
I have to learn about life and myself, about my beliefs, to change my thought processes. I need to understand how I am around others, how to communicate with others not just at an intellectual level but at an emotional level too, to learn how to enjoy myself to feel what others are feeling. I need to be aware of how my actions affect those around me and how to pay my bills.
That’s what I am getting at THOMAS. I have more self-awareness, I am gaining in confidence and I am finding out who I really am. For years and years I have built up layers of other stuff and now I am getting down to the real stuff of me as a person and am able to accept who I am and like myself. If the truth be known I have never been able to do that.