I don’t want to be seen anymore as a smackhead; a junkie, because that is not who I am. I am beginning to discover this. I have had enough of drugs and crime, but it goes a lot deeper than that. I have had enough of the things that I do; of harming myself, because that is what I have done.
I never understood that until I came to THOMAS. I have discovered that I have the disease of addiction and I have an addictive personality. There are a lot of things I have learned about myself. I have had sexual abuse and violence in my childhood. I didn’t really understand what it was all about. My father was an alcoholic and I was abused during my childhood. I didn’t understand much about sexual abuse but I came to understand that I was a vulnerable kid who was taken advantage of. I am insecure because of that and I don’t know how to deal with feelings and emotions. I used drugs which had an impact on my addiction and crime.
I started using drugs at an early age to suppress these feelings. I hadn’t matured emotionally. I started committing crime when I was young not really understanding that it was wrong; I’m not trying to make excuses but I didn’t have a role model in my life; my father was an alcoholic and he was violent. I was a problem child and it took me a long time to admit to myself that I was.
I found it difficult to manage my feelings; to cope with stress and I was also irresponsible. I have missed out on a lot of opportunities in life because of that and that’s been the pattern throughout.
Until I came to THOMAS and admitted these things I thought it was everybody else’s fault that I was like I am. I had spent so much time wrapped up with drugs I missed school; I missed chances of employment and of learning skills. I couldn’t cook or pay bills because of my drugs habit. I hurt people and myself physically; I caught Hep.C and I damaged myself emotionally and spiritually.
The turning point for me was about four years ago. Drugs had brought me to my knees and I had lost everything; my home; my partner; my children. I was unpredictable in my
behaviour; I hurt them in many ways. I had no job; I was emotionally broken; I didn’t see any point in life. I went to prison feeling powerless with no future.
Then in Lancaster Prison I was introduced to the 12 Steps Programme. It gave me hope that I had never had before; I saw people who had come through addiction with me and I saw that even though in prison, they had changed. They looked relaxed and calm; they had lost the frowns of frustration and that was the beginning for me of the attraction of the 12 Steps. I had heard a lot of negative tales about the 12 Steps and at that point I did think it was about brainwashing and bible bashing – but I thought my brain does need washing because I felt as though I were trapped in a shell and I was banging to get out. I was trying to smash my way through; it felt like the outside of me wasn’t real but the inside of me was and it wanted to come out. I wanted to roll over and die. I saw the people who had been in addiction and so I ignored the other things. What had I to lose? Things couldn’t get any worse and so I went to the 12 Steps in Lancaster Castle.
It was difficult to look at myself and see the truth. That went deeper. It was easy to say I was sexually abused and my step-father was violent so I used drugs; it was easy to say it was because of everybody else. I had lost my path in life and I realized that I had a disease. When I started to look at it I realized that it was that that was important. After leaving HMP Lancaster I came to THOMAS.
Lancaster was strict and I needed that, but it is more realistic at THOMAS. Life has to be more flexible and you need to look at the bigger picture. Here I am learning to deal with life and my feelings in different ways. It was a good environment at Lancaster but it is different here. A lot of my attitudes and behaviours were injected with the way I felt I had to fit in. I needed to detox and pull away from that and Lancaster was good. But I began to realize that I needed to learn to deal with difficult people and emotional situations; these would always be present in life.
There are many positives about being in THOMAS. The support which is given in the first stage continues beyond that and I have noticed that many clients stay connected.