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I believe Total Abstinence is important because anything that affects my awareness of my drug problem leads me back into addiction. Lee is currently on our Drug Rehabilitation Programme I am not saying that as soon as I might pick up or smoke a weed it’s going to take me directly to heroin but there’s a chance that with lowered inhibitions I will pick up another drug because that’s what I’ve relied on to get me through my life. So why take the risk? It’s not going to hurt me not to have a drink, not to have a spliff, so why risk slipping back in to all that misery that comes with heroin. Here in THOMAS I am discovering a lot about myself. You live your life and you think you know yourself but when you’re taking drugs everyday just to get through the day and to do the things you do to survive you lose touch with who you really are. You get to the point where you are used to presenting a front, being the person others expect you to be and compromising your morals. You have to draw a line in the sand and tell yourself you are not willing to go to those lengths; but when you’re feeling rough and you need the money you’ll go to any lengths. It’s learning about the person who has been suppressed by all the drugs; learning that you have the strength to get through the day not relying on substances. It’s learning about who you are, no masks not hiding yourself, not suppressing your emotions, being in touch with the person you were before the drugs and learning to believe in yourself and your ability to exist as a productive member of society rather than as a cancer feeding on society. Being accepted, you know you are not perfect, but you don’t have to be perfect to belong. I started dabbling with drugs early on in my life. When I was about 14 I smoked a bit of cannabis; I tried a bit of amphetamine when a friend gave me a line in his bathroom. I was 15 then. I came back to those drugs when I was 20. But through most of my teenage years I would try a drug but it didn’t do anything for me. I was more committed to being a criminal and anything that distracted me from that was a waste of time to me. I came from a pretty poor family even though my mum and dad both worked. They had menial jobs, my mother was a cleaner and my dad had a milk round. We always had food in the cupboards and it was a nice enough house. It wasn’t that we lived in poverty but the kids at school had nice clothes and we didn’t. It was more than that. Even from an early age I always needed to put myself in harms way to feel alive. I could go through a whole school day and never actually switch on my brain. I lived for that moment of putting myself in danger, putting myself at risk or taking chances. It’s been with me for a long time. So I started off with shoplifting; but I also stole bikes on my dad’s milk round. Everyone was into BMX’s so my friends and I always had nice BMX’s. After that it progressed fast. By the time I was 13 I was doing burglaries and this continued into my early 20’s. I was a prolific house burglar; I would do three or four houses a night. Not for the money, just for the thrill of it. It escalated to robbery and by the time I was 17 I was given a five and half year sentence. I could say my step-dad beat me which made me violent, but I don’t think that was it. I believe that putting myself in harms way and my own mentality contributed to my violence. It helped having a violent step-father but I was violent. I used weapons to compensate for my lack of physical size. I would equalize that with a knife, bat or hammer. So I got into trouble for violence and stealing. After the five and half years I discovered heroin. My crime then gravitated towards supporting my lifestyle and my habit. It was not so long ago that I realized that I needed to change my life. About 1999 I was released from prison for violence. I was involved with some lads, we don’t really call them gangs in Salford, they were mates who had grafted together, we had grown up and had close ties from about 9 or 10 years old. I knew that I had a drug problem but I believed, inside my head, that I could support and manage it. It was alright as long as I had money in my pocket. In 2001/2002 I was with one of my best friends (he was my business partner) when he was shot dead. The fear, helplessness and vulnerability that I felt was massive. For the first time I doubted myself; I doubted my ability to overcome any problem that was put in front of me. The heroine didn’t work; it didn’t restore the confidence as it always had. I felt lonely. Within three months of that death my best childhood friend K died. He used to take heroin; he was alcoholic and he took amphetamine. He died in A&E in a side room, alone like a leper. His lungs filled up with body fluids. It was a mess. There was a lot of guilt for me with that because I could take drugs, I sold them; and I could manage my finances; a lot of people can’t do that I was lucky that I could but K couldn’t. Every time we brought him back into the clique to sell drugs, we gave him a position, a job but he messed it up. Because he was one of us, if there were any reprisals we would stand firm and either pay his debts or fight for him. But it got to the point where he was a liability, so we pensioned him off. I say that like we did something nice, but we didn’t, we cut him off and left him to rot. He had my phone number and he knew he only had to ring, but he wouldn’t, he had his pride, like all criminals, it’s what we run on. I used to visit him once a month but he died in a miserable bed-sit with no heating. He was older than me and when I was a kid he used to protect me, he’d fight my battles until I was old enough to look after myself. When I came out of prison at 20 years of age and found that the world had moved on but I hadn’t, he carried me and was there for me; when he needed me I was out making money and he was cut off and left to die on his own. So the combination of these two deaths brought me to the realization that my life was s…. and I was living in a lonely world. The two people that I primarily shared my life with and whom I trusted more than anything were both gone within a short time of each other. I felt responsible and guilty; it nearly destroyed me. I cut myself off from everything. Shortly after I got caught for dealing and I didn’t care. I was bailed for two years and I isolated myself. I was either at my caravan in Wales or in a flat I rented in Salford. I did my best to kill myself with drugs, not a direct suicide bid but I spent 18 hours a day ingesting crack and heroin hoping that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. It was like going to prison. I thought I might as well be dead, if I don’t do something now. The deciding factor was the two deaths. Without that I would probably still be out there thinking that I was doing alright; that I was on it with money in my pocket and drugs to take. The priority for me now is to learn how to cope as a normal person, being someone who works for a living, who doesn’t rely on crime; who doesn’t have to take drugs to hide from problems but who has the strength of character to face and overcome them. Only when I can do that can I be a real father to my children. They think I am a brilliant dad, but they’re kids and they say that because I have always given them what they wanted. They spent week-ends with me; had time with me, a week here a week there, but there was no real emotional contact I think. The visits were short concentrated bursts; my attention span when I was on drugs and committing crime never lasted for more than a few hours. Staying out of prison, being a father to my kids and having a life where I am not constantly looking over my shoulder waiting for the police to come through the door is also a priority.
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