The Bonsai Forest

In this section, ‘Pun & Games’ are the collected senryu—to use the Japanese term—of the Great Master that are not to be found in any of the other groves. The senryu is more informal and light-hearted than the true haiku and makes no claim to season words or Zen insights. There are many meaning shifts and plays on words. The senryu can certainly make you think—but it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t—see each as a bit of fun.

	The best Suffolk girls Have splendid tits and Ipswich Is Orwell and good Not new to Suffolk— We’ve always had BSE (Bury St Edmunds) Suffolk and Norfolk Agree only on Norfolk: It’s Norfolk ’n’ good. The Ipswich Strangler Is Indian. Cause of death —By Suffolk Asian Boudicca winning! Palace renamed ‘Done Roman’ —Our first Essex girl

Indoor Games
	Partner engagement Contract made in diamonds For she trumps my heart A bridge between us? With two hearts vulnerable One can’t play dummy Lambeth conference Vicars take snaps of vicars B x B Cleric’s dirty book Stolen by a big black bird R x BP That cruise. We played chess How I remember, on board Our knights together
Clean fun
	Trains and typewriters Have, at the end of the line —A carriage return Children in Sussex Are living in confusion —Why are the Downs up? Northern Fell walking —It sounds very dangerous Yet none fell, walking Sent to kill the cat Desperate feline fight-back —Needed nine bullets A football linesman And a Scottish distiller Still keeping in touch Even more bullshit From personnel department HR puff and stuff My brother Robert Told my kids: ‘Treat me nicely —And Bob’s your uncle’ My sister Janice Was turned into an oak tree —She still hates fellers Black, round, flat—with grooves All of twelve inches across Is this a record? Scratched 78 Humph playing ‘Bad Penny Blues’ ’til the spring winds down [note the use of a season word] A breakfast in bed What luxury! But oh crumbs! —Now the yolk’s on me Anchorage party ‘Yukon see she’s unhappy’ ‘Alaska to dance’ There’s been a meltdown They leave a sign on the door ‘Sorry, gone fission’ Two unknown rivers Flow in the West of England The X and the Y Sheffield Wednesday A right daft name for a club Any day of week Fido’s gone missing Away three nights the blighter —A doggone problem! Not the life and soul Just a burden round your neck My mate Albert Ross Olympic bikers Count in cycles per second As well as in hurts Teaching my parrot Not just short, easy words but Polly syllables! Lost at Waterloo Small stature, bossy Frenchman —Name of Bonaparte?

Other Fun
	Castration complex Chap seeks bondage freak (Brighton) —Cut off by the tied! Can Viagra turn Three and a half inch floppies Into firm, hard drives? The impotence club There’s one thing it doesn’t have —Long standing members
Ending in 5
	A deathwatch beetle? Surely not. Could be a bomb...? Tick tick tick tick................tick It’s back-breaking work Weeding my market garden Hoe hoe hoe hoe hoe Santa interviewed. Children puzzled by answers Ho ho ho ho ho Says girl from Praha ‘Before sex, we laugh, us Czechs Ha ha ha ha ha’ Very randy ram Goes looking for volunteers Ewe, ewe, ewe, and ewe! Hundred K in debt Which is just 1, followed by Owe, owe, owe, owe, owe Excuse me, old chap But is this the Barking train? Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof! Famous archbishop Has it out with his brother Tutu to Tutu
Copied—yet original
	Photocopiers Show you where to find preserves: Jam Indicator Photocopiers Show you where hungry frogs go Hopper is empty Photocopiers In the morning, like lizards Take time to warm up Photocopiers Have brought some changes; wherefore Art thou, Roneo? Photocopier Turns my world to shades of grey: Toner running out Machine incomplete Deprived of its metaphor Works without spanner
Language
	La plume de ma tante Est dans la bibliotheque —Mais ou est ma tante? Mon postillion A été frappé, crois-je— Mais par un éclair? Der Uhr geht es schlecht Wir müssen es schicken zum Kuckuckskrankenhaus [Translation of the cuckoo hospital haiku from the ‘Birds’ great haiku] Owned by a pizza? The random apostrophe Raises the question Beetroot’s and carrots’— Greengrocers’ apostrophes Invoking their veg Between you and I Grammar’s my principle strength. Coarse, you should of known.
Haystacks
	Needles in haystacks Are ever harder to find First find your haystack Haystack rarity Means today’s needle-seekers Often fail to start Poetic insight Mostly swamped by doggerel Needles in haystacks Once famous wrestler Resorts to acupuncture: Needles in Haystacks ‘Boogger the needle— Can’t find the effing haystack’ He cries ricklessly
Hall of Presidents
	Unfair to actors When Lincoln makes a visit The play is upstaged Is it a rule that All US presidents have Silly middle names? Then there’s FDR Delano’s not odd enough— Must choose daft surname Harry ‘S’ Truman They say the S was just that Shorter than silly US Election Ike, who, rhymes with haiku, in 1952 US President JFK—shot in Dallas (But so was JR) Who on earth would go All the way with LBJ? Sounds like a disease US President One Richard ‘Milhous’ Nixon Water gate closes US President Ronald Reagan, movie star Made reel, real history Other presidents Are known by their names, but Bill... By his Monica Al Gore’s wife’s ‘Tipper’. Were his earlier sweethearts Dumptruck? JCB?
Current Affairs Well … not as current as they once were.
	Will Branson prevail And end committee-designed Camelottery? Petrol price hike—who Decided to pump them up? Esso annoying Fuel protesters Get police kid-glove treatment —They’re not coalminers They whinge about costs— They’d have no need to protest If farmers rode bikes The ‘People’s Princess’ Alas, so soon forgotten —Dead as a Dodi More leaves on the line ‘Euston—we have a problem’ The rest is PR Hard to Brighton up The Party. The trouble is It’s all gone Blair-shaped View from Tate Modern Troubled bridge over water —Half remembered song? After Salmond’s leap Who will become the new head Of the Celtic fringe? West Indies batsmen Score low without recompense Not South Africans West Indies batsmen Under-score at Headingley Small number of runs Interesting weather— Eastbourne lifeboat saving lives Eighteen miles inland! Step by step by step The water brims my staircase —Claim form safe and dry Great operators! Give ’em an ’AND for an OaR —Redgrave and Pinsent New Balkans crisis Slobodan Milosovic —Old fashioned tyrant Submarine horror He, Putin, an appearance No way good enough US Election Not a lot to choose between George Gush and Al Bore

Pun and Games

Fun in East Anglia

Indoor Games

Clean fun

Other Fun

Ending in 5

Copied—yet original

Language

Haystacks

Hall of Presidents

Current Affairs