Monty Python's Life of Brian

The Latin lesson

The famous Latin Lesson: with John Cleese as a Roman Centurion and Graham Chapman as Brian

With slight emendations in the interests of correct latinity - no prizes for spotting the schoolboy error made by Cleese in the original.

[Brian approaches the palace wall at night, and starts painting
something on the wall. He does not, however see a group of Roman
guards approaching from behind him led by a Centurion who
reads his writing. It reads ROMANES EUNT DOMUS]

Centurion What's this then? Romanes eunt domus. People called Romanes they go
the house?
Brian It, it says 'Romans go home'.
Centurion No it doesn't. What's latin for 'Roman'? Come on...
Brian Aaah.
Centurion Come on.
Brian Ah! Romanus?
Centurion Goes like?
Brian Annus?
Centurion Vocative plural of 'annus' is?
Brian Anni?
Centurion Romani. [He crosses out the 'es' and writes in 'i'.]
Eunt? What is eunt?
Brian Go.
Centurion Conjugate the verb 'to go'.
Brian Uh. Ire - Uh... eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt.
Centurion So eunt is?
Brian Ah, Uh, Third person plural of present indicative. They go.
Centurion But 'Romans go home' is an order, so you must use the..?
[The centurion lifts Brian by the sideburns... nasty, eh?]
Brian The imperative.
Centurion Which is?
Brian Ahm. Oh, oh, um... i, i.
Centurion How many Romans?
Brian Ah. Plural, plural... ite, ite.
Centurion Ite. [He again corrects the writing on the wall.]
Domus? Nominative? 'Go home'? This is motion towards, isn't it, boy?
Brian Dative, sir.
[The Centurion takes out his weapon, and holds it to Brian's throat.]
Ahh. No, not dative, not the dative, sir. Oh, Ah. Uh.
The accusative,ad plus accusative. Ah, Domum, sir. Ad domum! Ah! Oooh! Ah!
Centurion Except that towns and small islands, domus, humus and rus ...?
Brian Omit the preposition.
Centurion Which leaves?
Brian Domum. Aaah! ah.
[Again, the writing is amended. The grafito now reads ROMANI, ITE DOMUM ]
Centurion Domum... um... Understand?
Brian Yes, sir.
Centurion Now write it out a hundred times.
Brian Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir.
Centurion Hail Caesar. And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
Brian Ooh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar and everything, sir. Oh. Mmm!
[The Centurion walks off leaving two sentries behind to guard him.]

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